Because DH thinks I am and says I'm becoming a busybody. Is he right.

(62 Posts)
mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 19:12:23

This week 2 things have happened that I couldn't just ignore. dH says I should stop being mosey and interfering. I'm more of the opinion that in some situation more people should get involved. What do you think.

The first was in a busy play area. A toddler banged her head, blood everywhere. mum panicked and very young play assistant was shaken up, didn't know what to do and asked another young girl to find help. I calmed mum a bit and suggested the child not be held at arms length nearly upside down (didn't word it like that).

The second was when a young woman was being shoved, threatened and shouted at by her partner in the middle of a busy high street. Nobody stopped despite her looking around, either for help or highly embarrassed. I simply got my phone out and said I would call the police if he didn't take his hands off her. She smiled at me, he yelled at me and everyone else continued to turn a blind eye.

I do usually go months/years without any incident so I'm surely not a busybody am I. Was it BU to get involved or were all the others BU to ignore situations?

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:47:18

Sorry, "step in*.

KitsVegetable Sat 11-Jan-14 19:51:18

Hopefully Bogeyface. I think it is worth keeping in mind these situations are complicated though, rather just launching into a raft of back patting.

mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 19:51:52

Coco quote the whole sentence at least! Did say not in those words. The assistant was holding the child at arms length, horizontally, but head lower. I asked if she needed help and said it would be best to put him down and maybe rest his head on her knees. I just said to mum , heads always look worse than they are and bleed lots. Wasn't nasty or know it all but both were panicking and tot was frightened.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 11-Jan-14 19:51:52

Clearly she did need it spelling out, coco, since she was hanging her child upside down.

Foxsticks Sat 11-Jan-14 19:55:14

I got mullered on a website once for saying that I had got involved in a dv incident. We were eating in a restaurant when the guy on the table next to us threw his wine glass at his girlfriends head, it missed but smashed sending glass and drink all over me and his gf. The waiters moved all the other tables away but we stayed and tried to comfort her. He tried to justify his behaviour, got angry, then was begging us to understand why he had been like that. Eventually he left and then we got her in a taxi.

I couldn't leave her when she was sobbing and covered in glass while he screamed at her but I was told I should have kept out of it as we would have made things worse for her later sad

JapaneseMargaret Sat 11-Jan-14 19:56:23

Well, there's always a chance the person behaving inappropriately has special needs. Ater all, there was a thread on here yesterday where someone was trying to tell the OP that even though she felt scared and intimidated by a creepy guy on public transport, she should have been more understanding of him because he might have had SN.

And yes, perhaps more people should walk away and not step in to help people, because the person behaving like an arsehole might have special needs. And you might hurt his feelings.

Or, you know, you could take it as the more likely scenario, that the person actually is being an arsehole, and make sure the recipient of the arsehole behaviour is OK, taking into account your own safety.

Boreoff456 Sat 11-Jan-14 19:59:26

Is there a chance your dh doesn't see this situations as you did ?

Maybe, from his point of view, the toddler was being taken care of and you did come across as a 'know it all' rather than helpful?
And the same in the second?

Also it doesn't matter if you cross the street. It still could cause issues for you and provably her in the future.

I don't think you were wrong, nor do I think your dh is horrible. It's just each person view of the situations.

mrsjay Sat 11-Jan-14 20:00:26

why does he feel helping people is interfering you saw a child hurt a mum in a panic you went to help the same witht he couple although i think you were brave with the latter i would be scared of getting hit sometimes these arguements can bite you on the bum if you interfere

Thanks to a "busy body" a man with LD's is no longer being kept in a garage, beaten daily and used as a servant.

I was in a violent situation with my ex and was glad that someone, looking out of their window, got involved.

I agree that it is good to be mindful when to back off, or how far to take the help or advice, but we do need to look out for each other and be willing to get involved, or at least phone those who will.

I would only use the term "busy body" towards someone who gets involved, but is judgemental and who spreads other peoples business.

mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 20:01:18

I can see both sides in the 2nd case I suppose but just couldn't ignore it in case they were hoping for someone to help. I hope I didn't make it worse. They did go their separate ways so fingers crossed he stays away or she realises it wasn't ok.

mrsjay Sat 11-Jan-14 20:04:14

you know with the 2nd thing I guess you need to judge the situation and you did the right thing

januarysunsetfire Sat 11-Jan-14 20:06:09

Japanese, I didn't suggest anywhere in my post "not stepping in."

I do however feel that, regardless of special needs or not, stepping in the way the OP did to somebody who is already angry and wound up would, most probably, result in them getting even more angry and wound up. I don't see that as necessarily being a good thing. And threatening to phone the police is a good idea in theory but in practice - how? Genuine question. I rang the police once as someone was trying to break in my house when I was sat in the lounge (I was terrified!) and was told "it's not an emergency, someone will be there in an hour or so!" confused

Then if the OP HAD rang the police, even if they'd got straight there I imagine the man probably plus partner would be long gone.

So I do think there were better ways of dealing with that latter scenario - none of which advocate ignoring it. But from what OP has said, she just served as a temporary distraction while the man mouthed off at her instead of his partner.

What would have happened once she'd gone?

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:08:31

The situation may be complicated but a bystander only has a few minutes -or seconds - to decide whether or not to intervene and has to trust their own judgement at the time - what else can they base their decision on?

The vast majority do not get involved in any situation, either from apathy or fear for their own safety, so I think the courageous few who do risk theIr own skin ( and critical comments from others) thoroughly deserve some back-patting. Once again, well done, OP!

mumnosbest Sat 11-Jan-14 20:13:10

In this case I think threatening to ring diverted his attention a bit. He was angry but after a few expletives walked off. Suppose it could easily have turned out differently.

Know what you mean about ringing the police though january I rang them years ago when neighbours were being broken into and they came much much later so would have been no help.

wordyBird Sat 11-Jan-14 20:14:26

This is not being a busybody. This is being a good citizen. Your DH should be proud of you.
Well done you.

KickThatDirtOffYourShoulder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:19:03

I think you did the right thing. My DH says would have been cross with me for the second instance though, in case the guy had turned on me or I had the children with me. That could have turned nasty, would have been better to have quietly called police anyway but luckily all ended well.

If that was me in either situation I would want someone to hl.

KickThatDirtOffYourShoulder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:20:35

Oh good God, am on my phone. Apologies for the dreadful typing.

CombineBananaFister Sat 11-Jan-14 20:21:47

My DH would be the same as your DH, even if it was obvious someone needed help he would just want to leave it to someone else or be worried of the consequences to me or Ds.

Think it's only natural and a split second judgement to help can be interferring or it can be useful but your intentions were to help so that makes a diffeence for me.

Hate to say it, but personally been burnt a few many times (pub work) so wouldn't always help in 2nd situation but would call police - just not advertise it 9sad0

echt Sat 11-Jan-14 20:24:38

Well done, OP.

I would hope someone would help me or my DD if we were threatened.

CombineBananaFister Sat 11-Jan-14 20:27:17

Oh bollocks [blush} long day at work. (sad)

echt Sat 11-Jan-14 20:53:14

Yonks ago there was some research on the effect of others when it came to helping someone in need. The more people there were around, the less likely the victim was to be helped; the fewer, the greater the likelihood someone would step in. It's about the diffusing of responsibility, someone else's job, not mine.

BOFalicious Sat 11-Jan-14 20:56:11

YANBU. More people should step in, IMO. Personally, I can't help it <teacher's daughter> grin

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:09:06

That's very interesting, Echt, and sounds completely believable. Shows there is no "safety in numbers"!

justgirl Sat 11-Jan-14 23:24:57

I was just about to ask about that echt! I'm sure the situation has a "name" but it's exactly that.....the more people there are, the more people that think someone else will deal with it.

My mum was stuck in traffic once and a few cars ahead was a van, a young women was walking along the path (fairly busy, big town road next to school, houses yada yada) a woman jumped out of a van ahead and started attacking the girl who was walking. Literally kicking the living day lights out of her. Nobody did anything. My mum included...kept thinking she should, but also thinking someone else would. She has regretted it ever since and for a week or two after was terrified of the news and was half waiting to hear about the girl dying and nobody helped. I will never be that person....my instincts act out before my brain engages.

sixtypercentfringe Sat 11-Jan-14 23:27:18

YANBU at all.

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