in wanting my unreasonableness accommodated?

(159 Posts)
TheLittlestSprout Sat 11-Jan-14 18:04:59

I know I'm being unreasonable but given the circumstances want this to be accommodated. AIBU?

I live abroad and get to travel home once a year. Last year I didn't as I was heavily pregnant so when I go in a few weeks it will be the first time I've seen my parents for 2 years and the first time any of my family have met my son.

I normally stay with my parents. My sister lives nearby and visits them several times a week with her 4 kids and their large, friendly bouncy dog. I want my sister to leave her dog at her house for the week I'm staying. My sister is throwing a strop and refusing to do this and my parents are saying they don't want to get drawn in, which feels like they're prioritising the dog over their grandson.

I know AIBU however in my defence 2 months ago DS (then 5 months old) was attacked by my fuckwitted ex friends dog. Thankfully he wasn't seriously hurt and his face has almost completely healed now and he seems to be completely over it. Unfortunately I am still totally traumatised. I can feel a panic attack coming on just writing this. I know it wasn't my sister's dog, I know it's unfair to punish him for this other dog's behaviour but I can't stay with DS in a house where there is a dog running free. I just can't. In fact I think I'd rather just cancel and not go at all.

So flame away. I'm being PFB aren't I?

sykadelic15 Mon 13-Jan-14 03:09:11

OP I'm sorry.

You offered countless compromises and almost all included the dog STILL being there, you just wanted warning and some consideration.

This is entirely on them. Don't let them feel like you did anything wrong, you didn't. They may not have chosen your sister over you, but they did choose not to listen or care about your fears and take them seriously.

This is their loss.

Weller Sun 12-Jan-14 16:16:27

I always put the dog in another room when babies/ toddlers visit my own home never mind taking him to visit other peoples home. In the same way he is put on a lead when meeting people. He has never been aggressive but he is an animal.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 16:10:01

I think that's a good idea, and if they say again that they don't want to be taking sides, point out that they already have. It's quite clear where their loyalties lie - with your sister.

SiliconeSally Sun 12-Jan-14 15:49:37

I would write your parents a letter telling them how upset you are, telling them what you said to us at 0050 this morning and enclose pics of your baby's injuries . Say that in time you may be calm enough to see your s dog as part if the family but fit now you just wanted to introduce your baby to his grandparents in an atmosphere that helped you get over the terrible shock you have had. And that you feel let down .

And refuse to communicate with your s at all.

I feel heartbroken for you. so pleased you have a solid and loving DH . Take care and I hope your baby gets better and better.

HaroldLloyd Sun 12-Jan-14 13:27:01

Sprout how awful thanks

So sorry. I think they are being really bad about this.

ukatlast Sun 12-Jan-14 13:23:34

OP 'So now I'm the devil incarnate for upsetting my mum and my sister has been screaming at me down the phone that I'm never welcome there again.'

Your Mum has only herself to blame..it is her house, her rules, so her fault she could not accommodate your totally rational fear and damage limitation approach. YANBU...they sound toxic.

Have you got photos of your baby's injuries because I really think they don't realise the extent of what happened.
How could any Grandmother knowing her grandchild had been recently attacked by a 'family dog' on seeing a photo not also want to minimise future trauma which she could so easily do if she chose to do so. Was she so lax about child safety when she parented you?

ithaka Sun 12-Jan-14 11:44:03

IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.
Totally agree with this, and I say that as a dog owner and lover.

Children & dogs are a great combination, but it does need to be managed & handled appropriately. A big dog charging in unannounced is not acceptable with a new child in the house it has never met. No way, no how & it drives me mad that some people can't see that. It is always the children & dog who suffer as a result of lax & lazy management.

OP - you are right not to go - just not worth the risk when you can't trust the adults to show a bit of sense.

oadcb Sun 12-Jan-14 11:32:24

So sorry to hear they won't be reasoned with. IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.

ikeaismylocal Sun 12-Jan-14 10:09:54

m sorry your trip has been canceled. It possibly is for the best.

My parents have a vile collie who bites children and adults he sees as lower than him. I do take my ds to stay at their house but if he comes into the room a shout get away very loudly at him and stamp my foot, the vile dog is now terrified of me and ds and that is the way I want it.

I hope your anxieties around dogs lessens over time.

I have anxieties around my ds's health after he was really ill with rs virus as a tiny baby. If someone came to visit with a cold I'd really panic, I know it is illogical but I can't help it. I have an appointment to talk about my anxieties next week, I wish I had done it sooner!

oadcb Sun 12-Jan-14 09:54:10

So sorry to hear they won't be reasoned with. IMO as the sister and parents don't see the dog could be a risk then its more a risk.

MaitlandGirl Sun 12-Jan-14 08:43:41

I'm so sorry it turned out like this. I'm a dog owner and also have 3 children. My dogs are fine with my kids but I never assume around other children.

We often take ours with us when we go to the inlaws (20 kms away) but if I know there's a visitor there with a pre-schooler I leave them at home, or shut them away if they turn up unexpectedly.

It's all about respect, and unfortunately it doesn't appear as if your parents and especially your sister respect you.

nkf Sun 12-Jan-14 08:43:37

Poor you. And your poor little boy. It made my blood run cold hearing what happened to him. Do they know how bad it was? It baffles me that they can be so unreasonable and unfeeling.

Take care. Your husband sound great and very supportive. Use the money you would have spent on someting for you and your family.

Longdistance Sun 12-Jan-14 08:26:01

I'm in total agreement with the op.

My dd2 who is 2.6 went to her god mothers house the other day. She has a bouncy big chocolate Labrador. He is harmless, but nonetheless she took the dog to her mothers as knew a) dd2 may be scared, and b) it's common sense, he's a big dog, and wasn't sure how he'd react more than likely to jump on her, or sit on her

I think your dsis is being highly unreasonable, but I'm not the best person to talk to about dogs, as to me they lick their bums, and then a humans face envy <puke> My idea of hell.

ElbowPrincess Sun 12-Jan-14 08:16:27

I'm with you OP, yanbu! I am so sorry for what you and your DS went through, sounds horrific. Your description of it gave me the chills sad I hope he is healing well and is a happy wee boy smile

Sorry Sprout - it feels rotten, doesn't it?

My relationship with my parents (now just my father) sounds similar in a lot of ways. Their/his relationship with my sister has always been unhealthy, and she also tantrums and screams when things don't go as she would like. A grown woman screaming like a toddler!

I have also been on the receiving end of her screaming down the phone at me.

I have reluctantly accepted that there is nothing I will ever be able to do to change this situation. Although I have had no contact with my sister for years now, I made the decision to detach emotionally from my father when DS1 (3) started to notice his grandfather's lack of interest. The final straw came was when I was due to give birth to DS2. My pregnancy was high risk, I knew I wouldn't be able to go full term, and my father agreed to stay with DS1 while I gave birth. I do not have many relatives in this country, and none who live close by.

It never happened as my sister decided to visit him with her children for the first time since she left the country 8 years ago. My father visits her several times a year. Her visit was timed to coincide with the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. My father told me that her visit might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He never came right out and said it, but he dropped enough hints to let me know he was unavailable to look after DS1.

I don't know if it will be the same for you, but after all the years of watching my parents pander to my sister, it took seeing my father drop my son in favour of my sister to spur me into making some changes in our relationship.

It's not you - it's them sad

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 01:52:11

Quintessential that sounds sensible. I started thinking OP was being unreasonable but if sister isn't going to compromise by keeping the dog in another room I'm changing my opinion.

If sister isn't prepared to even give notice then OP is not being unreasonable.

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:40:21

YANBU. In your shoes I would be feeling very hurt that my family appeared to think so little of me and my child that a) they couldn't be arsed to visit us abroad and b) that they'd prioritise a bloody dog that's not even theirs, over meeting their grandchild for the first time in two years.This is CRAZY.

Oh, and what clam said! ^^

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:38:40

Sorry, just seen your update, OP. sad
They haven't visited you, have never met their grandchild and are still obstinate and putting obstacles in your way when you want to come and visit? Then scream and say you're not welcome? sad
I have no words. They sound absolutely awful. YADDDDDDDDDDDDDNBU, THEY are.

UncleT Sun 12-Jan-14 01:36:23

Definitely not unreasonable. A dog attacked her BABY's face - how the hell is she supposed to feel having him around dogs when the child's face is still not completely healed??

No, this is massively unacceptable. Not seen family for two years and they can't even make the simplest leap of empathy and understand her fear. Terrible conduct.

MakingEveryDayCount Sun 12-Jan-14 01:31:57

YANBU, and it's completely understandable that you don't want your sister's dog there. (Even if it's not your sister's dog's fault,you're going to be anxious around dogs near your baby.)
If you're only there visiting for a week and she visits your parents a couple of times a week, why the hell she can't just leave the dog at home for that week you're visiting is a bit baffling.
A case of not giving a shit about her nephew (which is charming in itself) and only thinking of herself.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 01:25:53

I guess not.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 01:22:36

Are they not keen to see their grandson? Here they are, with a great opportunity to meet him at last, all at your own expense and effort, and they've shot themselves in the bloody foot.

TheLittlestSprout Sun 12-Jan-14 01:18:57

They won't come because it's out of their comfort zone. Anything foreign is out of their comfort zone.

clam Sun 12-Jan-14 01:16:02

And wtf is your mother "upset?" She's brought this about, firstly by refusing to be drawn in on the issue (effectively, therefore, choosing your dsis) and second, by stating that everything will be as normal with regard to the dog's visits.

I wouldn't countenance anyone trying the emotional blackmail line re: her feelings. And they will. It was your sister tonight; tomorrow your dad will bring out the big guns. I would just say " She's upset? How do you think I'm feeling? If they can all chuck their toys out of the pram, then chuck yours further.

Worried3 Sun 12-Jan-14 01:10:53

Hmm... you see I do think there are issues deeper then your fear of dogs and your sister refusing to leave her dog at home (although I do understand why you have those fears).

I don't mean that they are all your issues- I mean their is clearly issues between you and your sister at the very least.

Is there a reason why you're parents won't visit? Do you and your parents normally have a good relationship? Do they get on with your DH? Is it money (and they don't want to "take charity" as they are embarrassed)? Is it hating travel (although that could be overcome to see a DGC in all but severe phobias, I should think)? Is it ill-health?

Right now, I think you need to let the dust settle a bit, then contact your parents and try to explain why you cancelled your trip and your feelings- then listen to how they feel and why they acted the way they did. Perhaps a bit more mutual understanding (and good will) is required on both sides.

I do agree, though, that your sister should have been prepared to compromise by having the dog on a lead when entering the house and being kept away from your DS. Your parents should have encouraged/enforced that compromise. That way neither daughter would have been favoured and you could have visited.

The way she spoke to you after you cancelled wasn't right either- and I would bring this up with them. Do they know she said this?

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