To find this thoughtless at best and cruel at worst.

(124 Posts)
Onelittlebugbear Sat 11-Jan-14 08:53:06

My friend is pregnant with her dc3. She knows we are about to begin Ivf in the next couple of weeks. I know loads of pregnant people at the moment and generally I'm pretty good at faking happiness and then coming home and crying.

She text me to ask me what she should name her bump. Along with a list of possible cutesy bump names because she and he dh were having a vote. I'm afraid to say it set me off crying again.

Aibu to think this is hopelessly insensitive? I can't imagine ever having a vote outside of myself and dh as to what to name our bump, and I definitely can't imagine texting a friend I knew had fertility problems to ask.

Why are people so thoughtless? Why? I know I sound horrible but I'm really struggling at the moment.

BookroomRed Sat 11-Jan-14 09:00:09

She's being a thoughtless idiot. It's not surprising you feel dreadful. Also, she's being revoltingly twee - who, for Chrissakes, takes a poll around their social circle about whether they should call their unborn child Lentil, Bubba, the Bug, or Sproglet, or whatever?

Best wishes for the IVF.

Crowler Sat 11-Jan-14 09:00:45

God, what a twat. Asking people what to name your bump is stupid under the best of circumstances. Hugs.

ChaircatMiaow Sat 11-Jan-14 09:00:47

What an insensitive twit! What is wrong with some people?

Really feel for you OP thanks

BrownSauceSandwich Sat 11-Jan-14 09:00:54

I really do feel for you, and maybe your friend got it wrong, but it'd be pretty crap if she shut you out of her pregnancy altogether, wouldn't it? I think it's a really hard line to tread when a close friend struggles to conceive... Some will find any contact with pregnant women or small children unbearable, and others will feel more sensitive if their friends appear to shut them off from contact with their family life... Another thing lost. Think about how you want your friendship to look at this time, decide whether that's fair to her to, and then talk to her about it.

janey68 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:03:36

What bookroom says.

Very insensitive and also ridiculously indulgent and twee. I've known some couples who naturally fall into naming the bump, and that's bad enough, but to manufacture a nickname for anything is taking it to a new level

Really hope your Ivf is successful OP

AlwaysDancing1234 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:03:49

As you said your friend knows you are starting IVF soon, so her actions were incredibly selfish and insensitive. It is hard enough when you are trying to conceive and everyone around you seems to have a perfect pregnancy or baby. Sending you hugs and lots of positive thoughts for the IVF

WandaDoff Sat 11-Jan-14 09:07:40

Very insensitive.

I'm not sure if she has actually realised what she's done though.

Is she generally a thoughtless type?

Grumbliest Sat 11-Jan-14 09:08:57

She's an idiot..people are insensitive, even the ones we call friends.hope you have your baby soon..virtual hugs

Antidote Sat 11-Jan-14 09:09:20

Well I'd be upset by that, and I'd probably text back something snarky like "lucky". And then cut contact for a bit.

Good luck with your IVF

Onelittlebugbear Sat 11-Jan-14 09:10:14

Thanks for the good wishes.

I just feel Brown like there wasn't any need for it. I've gone shopping for baby stuff with pregnant friends, discussed symptoms, talked about names for the actual baby and put a really brave face on it.

But having a poll to name your bump just seems a step too far - why not just name it with her dh? Why text everyone? It just felt like she was rubbing it in a bit, especially given that I am about to begin treatment. I appreciate she is excited and maybe I'm being a bit over sensitive but would you really text a friend, who as a couple is infertile, asking for votes to name your bump?! When said friend is starting fertility treatment in the coming week or so?

Postmanprat Sat 11-Jan-14 09:10:21

What an hurtful text to receive. thanks

Your friend probably has never had any problems ttc and cannot empathize; she is being quite insensitive IMO. Is she a very good friend? Can you talk to her about how you feel? If not then ignore and stay away for a bit, maybe?

I wish you the best of luck with ttc/ivf. Xx

Only1scoop Sat 11-Jan-14 09:10:49

Bump naming ugh how twee. Certainly didnt need to ask/share with you....or anyone else.

V v insensitive.
Unless she is not aware of your fertility issues? <clutches at straws>

And it is a bit 'yuck' in the best of circumstances to publicly go around asking people for opinions what to 'name' her bump, Bleugh.

V best of luck to you thanks.

Onelittlebugbear Sat 11-Jan-14 09:13:28

No she is aware pacific
I don't talk about it a lot, I don't want to make pregnant friends feel awkward but on the other hand a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't be amiss in this case! I haven't told her how devastated I am by it all but it surely doesn't take a genius to realise that it's bloody hard.

Text her ' hi 'friend', I can't really think of what to suggest as I find it very childish to 'name a bump' but in the mean time I know what you should call yourself - a silly, thoughtless and insensitive 'friend'. No regards. Onelittlebugbear'

Caitlin17 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:16:14

How utterly twee, actually deciding to name the bump. Just ignore her. TBH I don't think it was thoughtless far less cruel but it is idiotic.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Sat 11-Jan-14 09:18:51

Did she maybe send out a mass text and included you without thinking?

Still very insensitive though

Of course she is aware <sigh>.
FWIW, when I had fertility issues it helped me to think that I did not want anybody else's baby, I wanted mine. It made it easier to cope with friends' pregnancies and babies. I also kept reminding myself that there is NOT a finite pool of babies, so anybody else having one did not mean that my changes were getting less. It helped to make me feel less hurt but others happy events.

"Hi, Friend, I have no idea what to suggest but look forward to discussing my bump with you should I ever have one" - might that get the message across without burning bridges?

CalmaLlamaDown Sat 11-Jan-14 09:20:20

Urgh you would have thought they had better things to do with their time than text their friends for a bump name vote! I bet you aren't the only ones in your social circle who think they're being incredibly naff..

JapaneseMargaret Sat 11-Jan-14 09:21:11

Wow, what a buffoon. I usually use that word to describe oafish men, but I'm making a special exception for your friend, Onelittlebugbear, since she really, really fits the bill.

What goes through some people's heads...?

bakingaddict Sat 11-Jan-14 09:22:20

I don't think she is being cruel. It's easy to get carried along with the momentum of a joyous occasion such as a wedding or pregnancy.

While it is a bit insensitive in your situation, bear in mind that she isn't delibratley (sp?) trying to hurt you. If you genuinely feel she has set out to rub your face in it then perhaps give yourself some distance from this friendship but I think she has just forgotten or overlooked your predicament

Joysmum Sat 11-Jan-14 09:22:52

Maybe tell her what you feel and explain what you'd find acceptable.

Yes, she's been insensitive but she won't know how upset you are or how to be unless you tell her. I have friends who have been TTC thanks to polycystic ovaries and they've gone out of their way to be as involved in pregnancies as possible.

Unless you tell her, she'll be damned whatever she does.

horizontilting Sat 11-Jan-14 09:23:55

Does she make you feel a bit rubbish in general at times? There are some friends who would only ever inadvertedly hurt you out of genuine thoughtlessness and tactlessness. We all have our moments of doing that.

And then there are some who say and do little things that make you feel quite rubbish in ways that suggest that they don't really have your happiness at heart. Life is hard enough without giving those people headspace.

I would ask yourself how big a hole she would actually leave in your life if you were no longer friends with her, to try and figure out if this is someone who genuinely cares about you. A text like that sounds too far to be purely accidental (unless its some sort of very misguided group text).

Pawprint Sat 11-Jan-14 09:24:34

Personally, I would name the bump "I wish my stupid, insensitive, smug and narcissist mother would get a fucking life".

And yes, v v insensitive but, as I discovered for myself whilst suffering miscarriages some bitches are rude and clueless.

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