To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

(210 Posts)
SoBloodyFrustrated Fri 10-Jan-14 20:22:44

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB! grin

UsedToBeNDP Fri 10-Jan-14 20:24:28

Seriously, who's got hours?!

SoBloodyFrustrated Fri 10-Jan-14 20:24:54

Typo, should be 'Then' in the title and no my name has nothing to do with the topic!!

Joysmum Fri 10-Jan-14 20:25:39

Clearly I too should LTB

Lots of squelching and instructions in this house too. As for hours or lovemaking, I can't be arsed with all that and need my sleep!

yes and penises with homing devices.

Cbeebijeebies Fri 10-Jan-14 20:26:03

Sex is a noisy affair. No way about it though I've learnt a few ways to avoid fanny farts over the years grin

Also, balls make me laugh. If you're in a position where they slap about I can't concentrate and just burst into laughter (which I don't think does any wonders for DP's ego...)

Catsmamma Fri 10-Jan-14 20:26:38

never mind movie sex...I sure as hell couldn't go through new sex again.

i am not training up another ...all that wondering what the hell they are doing/thinking/looking for, what IS that noise? you want me where?

oh are we not done?

No siree...it's Nunsville for me if I leave the current MrCatsmamma.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA Fri 10-Jan-14 20:26:56

Do you also not go downstairs afterwards, wrapped in a white sheet with hair and make up perfect, to make eggs?

Doesn't everyone?? gringringrin

I want to know how women take off their skinny jeans sexily!

I have to pull from the bottom, hop when get a leg out, lay on bed etc

It's not possible to be done a sexy way

Cbeebijeebies Fri 10-Jan-14 20:27:13

And if sex lasts longer than about 10-20 minutes (after foreplay) then I just get tired & CBA. Such a laydeeee grin

Have to agree - I'd never go through NEW sex again.

When this one dies or fucks off I'm nunning too. Or knitting.

SoBloodyFrustrated Fri 10-Jan-14 20:29:02

I'm also baffled by apparent sex scene followed by rolling off and she still has her underwear on, what's he done yanked them to one side?!

DownstairsMixUp Fri 10-Jan-14 20:29:58

Or in movies they do that mad passionate sex where they kinda throw each other into walls/tables/machines everything goes flying but they are so up for a shag they don't care. hmm if that was me I'd probably be worrying about the mess/wondering if something broke and probably ouching if DP threw me on a table or something.

StupidMistakes Fri 10-Jan-14 20:32:43

Ahhh sex, yes, the good, the bad and the not worth pulling your knickers down!

I want someone who is going to come up behind me in the kitchen and kiss my neck, move the hair away from my face, spin me around and kiss me and then take me to bed, and then make love to me, I love it a bit rough <hair pulling, biting that sort of thing>

However my current fwb <flatmate> does come to bed, we will lay head on chest as he runs his fingers through my hair, and then his hand down to my waist and lets it rest there, so gently sighs god last night was good

hes gentle and considerate but I miss some of the rough though, maybe I need to teach him a few things hes younger than me but then he needs to be to keep up with my needs He is also very good in bed and I wouldn't mind being his girl but he don't do relationships sad blush

Why doesn't anybody get leg cramps either? You know, you're at it then all of a sudden ow, Ow, FUCKING OW! Just let me move my leg a bit, thanking you.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA Fri 10-Jan-14 20:34:13

I get butt cheek cramp!

I love new man sex. Well only if goes well gringrin

DownstairsMixUp Fri 10-Jan-14 20:35:58

Leg cramps are the WORST when you are, ahem, near the end. You want to finish but your leg is cramped bad, I do a kinda weird twist with my leg whilst trying to not lose the "moment!"

Catsmamma Fri 10-Jan-14 20:36:02

Hip cramp. #47yearsold

why do you never see anyone reaching for the spermy sex towel?

SoBloodyFrustrated Fri 10-Jan-14 20:37:24

Or the penis beaker?!

DownstairsMixUp Fri 10-Jan-14 20:37:47

Or the woman quickly dashing off for the loo to clear up?!

They never seem to get stuck together when they've been cuddling for too long and the body juices are at the drying but slightly tacky stage.

MollyHooper Fri 10-Jan-14 20:40:02

SP the trick with skinny jeans is to pull them down, lay on the bed and have the guy try and tug them off your feet.

"Ready? 1, 2, 3 pullllll"

Tis very romantic not. grin

Don't your pants come off with them Molly, or is that the idea? grin

MollyHooper Fri 10-Jan-14 20:42:56

Depends on how skinny the jeans are. grin

Back2Two Fri 10-Jan-14 20:43:17

grin at peni (is that the plural of penis?!!) with homing devices.

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