Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

(172 Posts)
VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:38:35

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute. hmm

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

hercules1 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:40:18

Yanbu.

lilyaldrin Fri 10-Jan-14 09:41:26

Does he have money to enjoy himself/spend on himself?

If he's expecting you to take the financial impact of having a baby then HIBU

If he is having to scrimp and save to pay the bills while you enjoy yourself then YABU

Santabroughtmethis Fri 10-Jan-14 09:41:43

YANBU.

Jeezo, my other half paid all my share for 6m and didn't question once what I was spending my mat leave pay on good job too

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:43:59

He has money to spend on things he enjoys -beer and weed-. He does not pay for any of Ds's stuff (nappies etc). The child benefit is payed into my account for this reason.

2beornot Fri 10-Jan-14 09:44:06

How have his finances been affected by becoming a father? If you've been bearing the brunt of this then YANBU to expect him to contribute. (Although you're also a fool for going along with it so far)

Why is he not paying for his child? what does he pay for?

Fudgeface123 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:45:52

Weed? Sounds like a nice environment for baby!

LibraryBook Fri 10-Jan-14 09:46:18

He doesn't sound very nice.

Your son is a joint enterprise and he should be paying his fair share. It's fair enough that you don't share finances if that suits you both. But you need him to contribute as your are bearing ALL of the financial responsibility for your child. I would work out how much a nanny costs and charge him half that cost, backdated to the day he went back to work after his paternity leave. Plus half the cost of the clobber, nappies, food etc on an ongoing basis from birth.

Good luck and congrats on the birth of your baby.

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 09:46:27

What was his response when you brought up the fact that you supported him for 3 months last year? Does he feel you've spent too much money on unnecessary stuff for DS?

DH and I have always pooled money, (but still had the same amount of discretionary spends each) so I find it difficult to work out what's fair and what's not in your type of situation. I just know it's not right that the one on maternity leave makes all the financial sacrifices. Perhaps you could give him a bill for his share of the childcare you've done over the last 7 months?!

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:47:42

2beornot good point I feel like a fool!
His finances have not been affected by fatherhood but he did have another bout of ill health recently so was not working as much.. He is back on his feet financially now.

Santabroughtmethis Fri 10-Jan-14 09:47:57

Beer and weed? Seriously?

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 10-Jan-14 09:48:36

I don't understand the concept of being a married couple and having 'your' rent' and 'his rent.'
Afaic, everything goes in a pool and is used to pay bills/rent/leisure/clothes for everybody.
As the main carer for your DS, and the person presumably currently responsible for buying food, household stuff etc,you will inevitably be also responsible for the bulk of outgoings. Doesn't mean you're a spendthrift.
Did you discuss how things would work financially before going on mat leave?

MsVestibule Fri 10-Jan-14 09:49:03

Fudgeface123 That's what I always think. Or perhaps everybody apart from my close friends and I smoke it and I'm just really out of touch confused.

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:50:35

Weed smoking is strictly outside! I've made my peace with that vice!
I think he does think I've bought to much for Ds. We could have got by with all the second hand bits but I couldn't resist buying a few bits for him. I do love shopping.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:31

I don't understand how you can share a home and a child with someone but not share money, sorry.

I know there are lots of different ways that families manage their finances, but I would find this a very strange way to live when you have a child. Child benefit is minimal and there's no way it will cover all the expenses of raising a child, including housing, heating, food, clothes, nursery, school trips, gifts for friends' birthdays, extra curricular activities, haircuts, holidays....the list goes on.

How on earth do you decide who pays for any of that if your finances are separate? I'm a firm believer that once you have children all money is family money, to be spent on the essentials. Whatever is left should be shared equally to allow both parents some personal expenditure and to allow for extras for the child/ren. If your h chooses to spend his share on beer and weed so be it, but this should be after everything for the family and DCs has been accounted for.

Now seems as good a time as any to start a discussion about your future finances.

SoonToBeSix Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:35

The problem is the separate accounts. You are a family have a joint and both withdraw the same amount for "fun" spending the rest goes on bills your ds etc.

SoonToBeSix Fri 10-Jan-14 09:51:55

Joint account

Hopasholic Fri 10-Jan-14 09:52:16

How much is his weed habit costing him? < this would be a massive problem to me. The cost/the smell/the implications both health wise to the baby and having a stoned partner who is unlikely to be of any use at night.

Why is it 'your' rent? Do you mean your share of the rent? What has changed for him financially since you had the baby?

fay144 Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:14

If you are spending a lot of your money on stuff for your son and food, surely that's joint spending, rather than your personal stuff anyway?

Have you had more spare cash for things that are just for you (clothes, coffees, etc) in the past 6 months then he has? If so, then I can see why he'd think that was unfair.

If you've had the same as him, then he is being totally unreasonable.

I think you have both been a bit daft in not sitting down and working this all out in more detail before your maternity leave started though.

DontmindifIdo Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:39

I am always astonded these conversations aren't had when you're still pregnant and have time to save if that's going ot be needed to cover the gap.

OP, in your shoes, I'd offer to go back ot work, cover your 'share' of all the bills, but then tell him what 50% of the nursery cost he will have to pay will be, and ask him if he wants to do the drop off or pick up. Or would he like to take over your next few months of mat leave as he's entitled to do now and you'll return to work.

But more sensibly, perhaps now you have a DC together, it's worth looking at all income as family money? You can still keep a degree of separation if you want with a joint account for bills, food, DS related costs into which you both pay a share based on what you agree is fair and will leave you with roughly the same disposable income. Remember, child related costs are equally his, and it should be a joint decision regarding being SAHM/reduced hours to cover childcare as the joint income will be falling.

Ask what he would like to do now. (I'd also be tempted to ask what he thought would happen when your enhanced package ran out, did he not think the family inocme dropping dramatically would have any effect on him?)

spending money on weed and having a go at you for buying actual legal stuff hmm is disgusting really. I hate weed and 'stoners' though which maybe clouds my judgement somewhat.

Hopasholic Fri 10-Jan-14 09:53:52

It doesn't matter that he's smoking it outside. Do some reading OP.

VodkaMargarine Fri 10-Jan-14 09:54:12

Good point everyone. I think it's time for a joint account. I was put off before as I didn't want him dictating the way I spend money.

He is a skinflint and I enjoy spending (neither of us have any debt or loans).

frenchfancy Fri 10-Jan-14 09:54:47

If he won't pay "your" rent then I suggest you bill him for his share of the child care you have been doing for the past 6 months.

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