I pretty much already know I am but ... aibu to stop going round to my frinds house because she invites other friend too?

(18 Posts)
swingyourpartnerroundandround Sun 05-Jan-14 23:35:49

For over a year now I've been going round to my friends (Friend A) house every Wednesday. Her DH works late that one day so it's lovely to just catch up. She really is my best friend and I don't mean for that to come across as playground and childish but rather shes the one person I can confide in about everything and know she will keep it to herself.

We have a mutual friend (Friend B), they are also very close where as we aren't, as in I would never arrange to do something with just Friend B. For the last couple of times Friend B has been coming over a Wednesday too and loudly announced to me at a different friends birthday that she would be doing this from now on.

I do like B but it's just shes a very loud person and loves to hold everyone attention and I would never talk to her about things I would talk to A about. B is good for a laugh but she does grate on me and I've stopped enjoying going around now on Wednesday's.

Aibu to just let B go round by herself and stop going?

Sorry I know this all sounds very childish (and I'm not "falling out" with anyone) I'm just not enjoying myself anymore so don't see the point.

Bodypopper Sun 05-Jan-14 23:38:40

Very difficult one. Can you chat to friend A and explain maybe get another day or time just you two so you can dip in and dip out of Wednesdays.

Crowler Sun 05-Jan-14 23:41:07

I would actually find this annoying to. I would just say look, I'd like to have some time alone with you occasionally & leave it at that. If one of my good friends said that to me I'd be flattered, in the absence of extenuating circumstances <needy person>

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-Jan-14 23:42:34

Id say go every few wednesdays just so friend A doesnt think you dont care anymore and arrange other things to do so you can chat alone.Its a bit unreasonable if you think friend A should not have friend B over too cos thatd hurt Bs feeling aswell wouldnt it.

orangestripe Sun 05-Jan-14 23:46:31

Nah stick to your Wed thing, but maybe not as religiously. Just go to enjoy Friend A's company but on nights where you're a bit tired or whatever so don't fancy putting up with loud mouth Friend B, just don't bother on those days.

I don't think it has to be a massive deal for any of you. I expect Friend B doesn't realise the importance you feel about the one to one time and she's just coming along because she enjoys the company of you two together.

I'm sure in a few months there will be some other opportunity to get your friend to yourself for a bit.

swingyourpartnerroundandround Sun 05-Jan-14 23:48:03

Its a bit unreasonable if you think friend A should not have friend B over too cos thatd hurt Bs feeling aswell wouldnt it.

Yeah I get that.

I think what happened was Friend A invited Friend B around as just a one off thing one Wednesday and then when she found out I go every Wednesday she decided that she would too (not because of me)

I just find it annoying because we've had this arrangement for quite a long time now and it's not the same anymore. Disclaimer I know I'm being pathetic.

CeliaLytton Sun 05-Jan-14 23:52:40

Yanbu to stop going round, but if you are hoping that friend a will 'choose' you over friend b, yabu.

Talk to a, tell her Wednesday is not so good for you anymore and could you try to get together for a catch up,just the two of you, another time?

Don't tell her it's because b now comes, as you say they are close friends and a clearly wants to spend time with her, maybe even realised that she had been seeing much more of you and missed quality time with her other close friend.

Good luck

AwfulMaureen Sun 05-Jan-14 23:53:22

I would say jokingly "I'm not coming this week because your other best mate is....when she's buggered off somewhere else then I'll come."

I can be honest with my mate....she'd laugh if I admitted I didn't like another of her friends. Can you do the same?

Crowler Sun 05-Jan-14 23:57:46

Yes, humor is helpful. You could say, I need some romantic alone time with you.

RandyRudolf Mon 06-Jan-14 00:11:43

Why do you go to Friend A's house. Does she have kids or is she free to come to your house?

Caff2 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:13:20

Really? Romantic alone time?? I'd be running a mile if I were a platonic friend!

Perhaps she wants a laugh occasionally, rather than listening to other peoples problems.

I'm not suggesting that you are over burdening her OP, but she may want a change in the dynamic, just for a change.

Things change, some people don't want singular intense friendships.

AwfulMaureen Mon 06-Jan-14 00:23:51

Caff some people have a humour based friendship where that kind of thing is taken in jest...because it's obviously a joke!

Birds the OP didn't say the whole time was spent on her problems. I took it as the OP just doesn't like this other friend very much and doesn't feel so comfortable or so inclined to visit when she is there.

sunbathe Mon 06-Jan-14 00:32:50

I'd go occasionally on Wednesdays and find another slot to meet Friend A.

It is nice to see people separately, the dynamic's totally different to a group meet.

"Birds the OP didn't say the whole time was spent on her problems. I took it as the OP just doesn't like this other friend very much and doesn't feel so comfortable or so inclined to visit when she is there."

I didn't think she did, but it's more of a fun night (for some) if there is more than two people.

I (or rather we) had one woman drop out of meeting up, because we wanted more if a "womans night in" feel to meeting up. We had of hoped that she would come at least once a month, but she seemed to want one on one friendships.

Out children were getting older, we wanted a friendship group that we could eventually take to pubs/concerts etc.

sykadelic15 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:50:15

I don't mind meeting up as a group, but there are times when I prefer one-on-one so you can have more serious heart-to-heart talks.

I'd probably go the route of chatting to A and telling her that you find B a bit of hard work sometimes and probably won't be over every Wednesday now.

Friend A is in a bit of a hard spot and probably doesn't know how to tell B that it's more of a "just me and swing thing".

VenusDeWillendorf Mon 06-Jan-14 01:16:44

I know what you meanOP, but I think you'll have to meet friend A at another time if you want or need a more private chat.

Bettercallsaul1 Mon 06-Jan-14 01:21:21

I can completely see where you're coming from, OP, and understand why this is important to you.

Female friends, who we are really close to - who we can have a laugh with, but also confide in when we have a problem and know it will be taken seriously- are very important and most of us go to some length to keep them. Having a third person at your meetings - especially when it wasn't your choice, and someone you don't particularly like - completely changes the nature of your interaction with your friend. You can't possibly talk with the same freedom in front of a third party, so you may not be able to discuss things that you had previously saved up for discussion with her.

"Girls' Nights' are great but fulfil a completely different purpose - and are no substitute for a heart-to-heart with your best friend. You need both! I can see why you're a bit hurt - basically your friend seems quite willing to sacrifice your one-to-one time which is making you question your value to her as a friend.

On the face of it, it is a bit hurtful but it may be that your friend was steamrollered into it by her more assertive pal, or possibly was finding weekly meet-ups too frequent. I think you should suggest another night of the week for meeting - or once a fortnight- and don't hide the fact that it is because you value her friendship so highly. As someone else said, you would then be free to drop in or out of the communal night as you wished.

But don't just retire hurt - this sounds like too good a friendship to lose!

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