to wait until my toddler is old enough to reason with about her own bed?

(71 Posts)
jinglemel Sun 05-Jan-14 14:51:29

My dd is 19 months old. She bfs and co-sleeps at night, as did my now 6 year old who stopped feeding of her own accord at 2.5 and moved to her own bed a few months later without any fuss. I'm getting to the stage where I'd like my bed back and dd is beginning to understand laying down, being quiet etc when asked so I don't think she's too far off being able to reason with about sleeping in her own bed. Dp, however, wants her to move out now. Her being there doesn't affect him at all (she doesn't kick etc) and he isn't volunteering to try anything to get her in her own bed. Aibu to wait a few months and do it at dds pace?

somedayillbesaturdaynite Sun 05-Jan-14 15:49:40

my son, my eldest doesn't wish to sleep in my bed and never has (own room since about 12 months and stayed in bed all night etc), all dc are different and I don't expect dd to change now. I did nothing different with either dc while babies. the thing is, it's easier to at least teach them to stay in their own room before they learn to scale or undo the baby gates ;)

He thinks his sex life is affected. Maybe it isn't but he thinks it is. You seem to be saying that your opinion is all that matters. I'm just saying his does too.

I would leave her where she is. We do what ensures the whole household gets as much sleep as possible. Which is far more bloody important than sex grin

funnyvalentine Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:05

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping, or sleeping on your tummy while co-sleeping with an older child. But I don't think it'll necessarily be easier to move her in 2 months smile ok, you can reason a bit better, but they have more awareness and can be stubborn if they don't want to do something!

Catsize Sun 05-Jan-14 16:38:05

We co-slept with our son (now just turned 2) and intend to co-sleep with no.2. One of my favourite parenting things has been co-sleeping, and a very natural choice for us. A baby in its own room and cot at 4mths?! No thanks!
When our son was 13mths, I saw a lovely single bed for him in the sale. He was with us, he got very excited about it, so when it was delivered, we put it up. I felt it was a bit early, but he was walking from end of nine months and able to get in and out (of a fashion), and because he had shown such an interest, we gave it a go. Had nice bedding with tractors/boats etc. And he has been fine ever since. Had he not been ready, that would have been fine too.
Still sleeps with us occasionally, if poorly etc., or if we go away, but transition has been quite smooth. We had stopped breastfeeding by that stage though, so that might make a difference.
If you can ignite your child's interest in getting a new bed, involve them in choosing it, and bedding etc., it might just work! Agree that I would definitely not want to leave them to cry, and that would undo so much of your good work so far.
At least our story negates the 'he'll still be in your bed when he is 15' brigade.

BitchyFestiveFace Sun 05-Jan-14 16:56:56

YANBU, I'm with you OP. I'm a great believer in co-sleeping with toddlers and think moving them on at their own pace is optimal. With DD that was aged three, and with DS it is happening now, gradually, at five. Being able to reason and understand and have some say in things makes for happy, secure sleepers, in my opinion. If some think that is "precious", fine - I've got two happy little kids who go to bed every night willingly and don't wake until the morning, and we endured precisely zero nights of screaming / upset to get to this point.

Yanbu. I would buy her bed (make it a funky one) get her to help build it and choose the bedding. Then put it next to yours because she's a big girl now and can have a big girl bed all of her own. Then when she's adjusted to that you can plan the move into her big girl bedroom.

Coldlightofday Sun 05-Jan-14 16:57:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tailtwister Sun 05-Jan-14 17:05:43

YANBU. Both of ours co-slept until well over 3 and moved into their own beds with absolutely no fuss. If you leave it until they are ready it just happens naturally.

That said, I would try her now and see how she gets on. She may take to it straight away and if she does then everyone's happy. If she doesn't I wouldn't push it. Just leave it a while and then try again when you think she's ready.

It was very clear when both ours were ready to go. They had both stopped bf and were enthusiastic about the idea when we mentioned it. Have a chat with your DH and agree a plan. 19 months is still very young imo, although I'm sure lots of people will disagree.

poshfrock Sun 05-Jan-14 17:19:56

To all those who are saying that your baby should sleep in the same room as you until 6 months, what do you do if there's no room for a cot in your bedroom? My DD was too big for her Moses basket by 8 weeks so she went into her cot in her own room. My only experience of co-sleeping is when my SIL tried it with her baby who was 2 weeks younger than my DD. He died in bed with her. She accidentally smothered him. So not something I was going to try.

CatsRule Sun 05-Jan-14 17:48:12

We co-sleep with 21 month old ds. He is a terrible sleeper, always has been, and while dh, more than me I admit, would prefer him in his own room, we both recognise none of us would get any sleep that way and we both work full time. Not ideal but you do what your situation requires you to do. We have tried and tried but he just isn't ready. When I put him in our bed he does sleep better.

PLus ds won't be tiny for long so I say enjoy it.

Artandco Sun 05-Jan-14 17:49:32

Posh - it's not just use saying that. 6 months is the recommendation by the sids website and any baby stuff from hospitals etc etc now

For many people that might mean moving cheat of drawers/ wardrobe from main room into what will babies room I make space. Or pushing double bed up against wall to make space. Some put a single in babies room and one adult stays there. Etc etc

For us we have x2 cot beds along wall, a small gap, then our bed. Both children are perfectly happy with arrangement and I haven't the heart to move them.

So many cultures in the world always sleep in one room their whole life. I have a friend from a South African tribe originally. She said years ago that babies back home never cry. I didn't entirely believe but on visiting her family a few years back I could see she was right. Babies/ children are strapped to mother, continuously comforted, fed all day and night on demand and co sleep for years. In a communal room with 20 babies it would be rare for one to cry.

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 05-Jan-14 18:08:44

Sorry to hear that poshfrock! That was always my biggest fear even when my dd was in her moses basket. When I bf'ed I was so tired I'd sometimes fall asleep with dd on me and anything could've happened! sad I've always vowed to never Co sleep again for that reason

poshfrock Sun 05-Jan-14 18:22:52

Double bed already against wall. Baby's room tiny. About 3m x 2m. Certainly no room for a single bed. I couldn't even lie down on the floor without my feet sticking out the door and I'm only 5ft 5. We already moved chest of drawers out to make space for Moses basket but still not enough room for cot.

Bodypopper Sun 05-Jan-14 18:31:20

You have sex every day but he wants more.... And your post is about a toddler sleeping in her own bed! grin

Look op you will get a million different views on here as we all parent differently. I bf but as a couple we couldn't sleep with babies in bed with us so used a basket and later a cot but that's OUR choice.

Do be careful here to not say 'me and dd' as much as you do because it really sounds like your main concern is your dd and you are belittling your dhs opinions.

I agree with the poster up thread too, we didnt negotiate with our toddlers.it was our way or no way and 'hysterics' were not tolerated.

We negotiate/d with our teens as they are at the age to need this. IMO toddlers just need telling.

Perhaps you need another chat to dh and work out an action plan together. He needs to be onboard and help you.

Pigsmummy Sun 05-Jan-14 18:39:46

Is DP your babies father?

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 05-Jan-14 18:42:08

Well I do think you need to respect his opinions. He's her dad he's entitled to have one.

There are two of you so you do need to agree on this. Or at least have him understand why you disagree with him. Tbh you are sounding superior. That you have somehow done a better job with your dds than he did.

I don't go in for negotiation either. I'm the parent they do as I ask.

I hope you can come to an agreement together.

foreverondiet Sun 05-Jan-14 19:48:51

TBH I think she is quite old now to still be co-sleeping and if your DP isn't happy with it anymore, then as she is 19 months he is being quite reasonable to say its time she is in her own bed.

Toddlers aged 19 months do not need to feed in the night. They might want to for comfort but at that age are capable of sleeping 7pm-7am in their own beds.

It might take a few nights to get her used to it, I guess its up to you how important your relationship is.

revivingsnowshower Sun 05-Jan-14 19:58:29

If she is the sort who is a bit clingy and wants to be with you 24/7 this doesn't always go off as she gets bigger. When she is old enough to reason she will ask you how come mummy and daddy can share a bed but she has to sleep alone even though she is scared. That is my dd btw, who used to co-sleep. So I don't think it will be easier at any age.

SoonToBeSix Sun 05-Jan-14 20:11:51

Posh you remove all other furniture then, putting a baby in their own room at eight weeks is dangerous and cruel

Coldlightofday Sun 05-Jan-14 20:12:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm in the same situation as you op, except me and dp have no problem with co sleeping.

I hate when people say "they don't need to feed anymore" who decides this? It's rubbish, even if they didn't need to feed for sustenance then who says that their need for comfort is not a "need"?!

Anyway, I understand what you mean when you say she would be hysterical about moving, I kmoe my ds woild be too

Didnt finish!

Also, wondering why you can't sleep on your tummy? I am breastfeeding and co sleeping in a super kingsize bed too with 18 month old and manage to sleep on my tummy...

thegreylady Sun 05-Jan-14 20:23:32

Does she go to bed at the same time as you? It all sounds a bit claustrophobic to me but your child etc... however it is also your dp's child so maybe look for a compromise.Will she nap in her own bed?

Monka Sun 05-Jan-14 20:44:55

We are on a separate floor to where my dd (5 months) will eventually sleep. i also co slept and bfeed and my baby hated the Moses basket. Plus co-sleeping meant that I got 9-10 hours sleep (interrupted 2-3 times for feeding) a night from early on. I think my dd could smell me and it meant she didn't wake that quickly. I bf laying down in a safe position so if I fell asleep I wouldn't smother my baby and it worked well for me.

At 15 weeks we pushed the cot up next to the bed and dd has been sleeping in it ever since. I think dd got used to the bigger space in my bed so the move to her cot was easier ( or maybe she was just ready for it.) Can this or a bed be something you try as another poster also suggested?

DD is in her grobag and can see me from her cot so she's been fine. I place her in the middle of the cot and she always moves to the side of the cot closest to me. She now only wakes for one feed during the early morning. It was my DH who also insisted on moving dd to her own cot but I'm glad he did as it worked for me and dd.

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