To feel upset about being ignored

(35 Posts)
Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 02:15:22

Not able to sleep as I feel upset about an incident today at my parent's house. I was invited over to see my aunt/uncle and cousins whom I haven't see for a while. Unfortunately ds was ill and had to leave him at home so took dd. travelled over - a trip of about 10 miles. Other guests arrived and we sat down to eat although my db and sil had not arrived. Parents hadn't put out enough chairs and so when db and sil arrived my dd and I gave up our chairs and then said we would be in sitting room. Everyone had finished but didn't come through and then we went back and said we weren't being unsociable but didn't want to stand in kitchen and then went back to sitting room. Again nobody came through and my dd started to say that she needed to go home to study as she has exams - decided to wait for another 15 mins and then as we were still alone got annoyed and went back and said we had to go as dd had to study. At this point dm got up and said they were just coming through. Too annoyed to hang around so said our goodbyes and went.
Feeling a bit petty now but think this has a bit of a history to it where I feel undermined by my family - won't go on about it here but just writing this down has helped me see why I was upset. Feeling guilty and stupid about it but I see where the roots are.
Nice just to write it down tho xx

BillyBanter Sun 05-Jan-14 12:24:06

It rather depends on the info you are not telling us.

EssexGurl Sun 05-Jan-14 12:33:38

We get this at ILs sometimes. We live 4 hr drive away. SIL 20 mins and she goes to lunch there every day. One visit DH and I sat in the kitchen feeding DS (who was a toddler and needed coaxing to eat). FIL, MIL, SIL, BIL all sat in the living room chatting. Completely ignored us. They had seen SIL for best part of an hour the day before. They see us a few times a year. We see SIL even less, possibly once a year. But they still didn't want to talk to us.

I think you were right to leave. I would have left on the above occasion if I could have done. Still rankles years later.

NightOfTheCactus Sun 05-Jan-14 12:59:29

I think sometimes people just need to say what they mean rather than being all passive and cryptic. If you were feeling lonely in the sitting room, perhaps actually asking if it might be a good idea for everyone to migrate to the sitting room would have been better than the "we're not being antisocial but..." thing, that could indicate to some people that you were actually OK or wanted a little alone time.

Also unless there is a physical reason why you could not stand in the kitchen talking, then presumably you were making an active choice.

Sometimes you need to be a little more proactive yourself in situations like this. It would be great if everyone picked up on little hints and social cues and everyone was happy - but not everyone is good at such things.

Mind you, it sounds like this thread is about more than this incident - it sounds like stuff in the past needs to be sorted out. I personally don't think that sulking and hinting at your needs rather than being more explicit will necessarily help you in the long term though...

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:24:00

Thank you, doasyouwouldbedoneby! I was beginning to feel lonely.

winkywinkola Sun 05-Jan-14 13:29:04

It's up to the hosts to make sure all guests are happy and involved.

Poor hosting IMO.

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 14:14:58

Hear hear, winkywinkola.

InsanityandBeyond Sun 05-Jan-14 14:43:33

I did something similar and I totally get where you are coming from. A few years back when DC4 was a newborn, I wanted to show him off to my family so arranged it with parents and travelled 200 miles (all 6 of us) which took about 5 hours as bad traffic. On arrival, we were told that parents had to take (27 yr old) brother out the next day to help him find a car. I was a bit pissed off as they suggested we come that weekend. DH and I had to sleep on a airbed in the dining room downstairs (which was flat by morning) as my younger sister would not give up her room or take her 4 year old DS in with her (they were living with parents a both had their own rooms, brother also would not give up bed). The next day, parents and brother left at around 9am, sister and nephew left at 10am (as she had arranged to go shopping). At 5pm we left and went home despite being supposed to stay until the next morning. My mother was furious to get home at 6pm and find we had gone and could not understand it at all hmm. We had spent the day in their house on our own, no one had wanted to hold DS, in fact my stepfather outright refused when I asked him to hold him so I could go to the loo and I felt really as if no one gave a shit about me or my family.

That was the catalyst for a confrontation with my mother about my abuse as a child and I am now NC with all of my family (their choice) and is something that in one way validates my memories of the way I was treated (I could never cut contact with my DD just because she questioned awful stuff that happened to her when she was a child!) but has been really hard to 'get over'.

OP I am with you. You probably WERE being over sensitive but perhaps with good reason?

Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 16:35:55

Hey thanks all for the posts. Don't worry those who felt I was being over sensitive - I have been beating myself up about it all day. Unfortunately there is a bit of history with mother being manipulative and generally unsupportive. Next time I will definitely treat it more lightly and tell them all to come through a bit more forcefully. Have to say it didn't help that dd kept saying she wanted to go and once I'd thought - F it we might as well- it was too late to go back on it.

Thanks for lovely comments - it really makes a difference especially when you think you have been a bit pathetic x

P.s. Ds much better

Dustypeas Sun 05-Jan-14 16:49:17

Btw really feel for you insanityandbeyond - your situation much worse than mine and I would also have been really upset which would have resulted in a confrontation and lots of stuff being dredged up.
Must be very hard but I don't think you had any choice about confrontation and it really sounds as if you're better off without them xx

Bettercallsaul1 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:09:10

I'm glad you're feeling better about it all, OP - thanks for coming back and telling us how you are.

Sensitive or not, I still think you were treated very inconsiderately and were not at all unreasonable to feel hurt. I'm glad that you're devising new strategies to deal with similar situations in future!

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