To think its daft to worry about being a MIL to sons wives but not to worry about being a MIL to daughters husbands? (Inspired by another thread - not a thread about a thread)

[Salmotrutta]

Why is it just future/present DIL who seem to cause the angst?

Why do most people on here worry about them but not present/future sons-in-law?

A son-in-law could be just as awful surely?

(Mine is lovely and is a great DH and dad)

[magimedi]

YANBU -

I often have to sit on my hands & not post at some of the MIL/DIL posts here.

Never seen a SIL post however.

[LucilleBluth]

That thread was possibly the most depressing thread I have read on here.......majorly lacking in self awareness. I was told that I am raising misogynists because I dared have a different view to that of kissing of the DILs arse.

Mumsnet has a massive blind spot when it comes to the in laws.

[Salmotrutta]

No, I don't think I've seen a son-in-law post either!

Maybe it's partly just because so few men post on here - I suspect things would be different if more men were on here posting about their MIL...

[Salmotrutta]

By son-in-law post I mean that I don't think I've seen MNers worrying about how to be a good MIL to their DD's partner/DH.

[ComposHat]

I'm male and find my mother in law to be extremely hard work, selfish, spiteful and rude, but I wouldn't necessarily start a thread about it, I just avoid her as much as possible and behave with good grace, don't rise to any bait she dangles when I'm forced into contact with her.

My guess is that a lot of the disagreements centre around the home, cooking and grand children and the daughter in law's perceived shortcomings in these areas, which women of a certain age are more likely to see as as her daughter in law's domain than their son's, regardless of how the son and daughter in law actually live their lives.

On the other side of the coin, I've seen women on here who seem to see her husband's family as his 'ex-family' upon marriage or having children, whilst still expecting to maintain a close bond with her own parents. It manifests itself in statements like 'he's got his own family now' and an expectation that he should take his wife's side against his mother's in any dispute (regardless of how he feels about the issue). It also comes across in threads where the woman prevents her mother in law from visiting their grandchild for weeks after the birth 'until she's ready' but will already have had extensive contact with her own mother.

[meditrina]

YANBU.

If someone is posting about a particular issue with a particular person in their family, then that's fair enough.

But to make assumptions about totally hypothetical future family members, based on sex of DC and the assumption they will prefer heterosexual monogamy always seems a bit off to me.

[Mitzyme]

Lucillebluth
Exactly what I thought. Totally depressing.

[thegreylady]

My sil is lovely. He is a great husband and father. He is quick to offer help, he is always pleasant and affectionate - what's not to like?
Mind you my dil is pretty great too as are my stepdils. I wouldn't swap one of them :)

[Salmotrutta]

Thank you for responding Compos - and I agree with a lot of your assessment in your third paragraph.

I've seen this "one-sidedness" first hand where the wife favoured her own family on many occasions.

Despite me and MIL not exactly being soul-mates I have always, always treated her well and fairly.

Whatever I think of her she raised DH to be a good man.

[thegreylady]

However, like it or not, most women are closer to their own mums than to their inlaws. They feel more able to relax with mum, to worry less about perceived imperfections in their homes or their persons. If a woman was sick she'd rather have her mum to take care of her- surely that's only natural. I expect my ddil to confide in her own mum before me. In fact she wanted both of us at the hospital when dgd was born but I would gladly defer to her mum in matters directly concerning ddil.

[Salmotrutta]

You're right meditrina - I hadn't particularly considered the homosexual/heterosexual aspect!

My DS isn't gay but I'd be just as keen to get on well with a male partner as a female one!

Not that he looks like settling down any time soon

I think you alluded to that too Lucille maybe on the other thread? - so apologies!

[Salmotrutta]

Well then surely greylady a son-in-law will prefer the help and support of his mum and dad should he need any help - even if his Inlaws offer?

That's what you are saying.

So therefore MNers should expect that if they want their own mums/dads for help or advice or nurturing then their partner is entitled to the same consideration?

[thegreylady]

Absolutely of course a bloke would prefer advice from his own parents to that from his inlaws.
However, husband and wife should always stand together, united, if there is disagreement with either set of parents. We don't really do disagreement much though.

[Salmotrutta]

Ideally they should stand together on things BUT they should also stand on their own two feet - on here, all the time, you see people wanting their DH to "stand up" to their parents etc. and not let the ILs visit blah, blah, blah.

But I'll bet my bottom dollar they wouldn't want their DH asking them to tell their own parents to butt out!

[Salmotrutta]

Oops - sorry greylady - you also mentioned that of course a woman wants her own mum when she is unwell (or words to that effect!!)

Can you imagine what would happen if a man said he wanted his "own mum" to look after him -as opposed to his wife/MIL?

[Valdeeves]

I agree with the above post. The problem is the MIL and DIL relationship is also hugely controlled by biology - I think a mother is hugely protective of the bond between herself and a child and can't cope with any level of perceived interference with that from someone non biologically related. This is compounded by many MIL's getting seemingly hormonal surges at the birth of their first grandchild and become overtly possessive.
There's other reasons - personality etc etc obviously.
However when your hormones clear sometimes it's important to realise that it's your husbands mother, another woman with feelings of her own - and try and see the other point of view.
I think son in laws are generally easier as they don't tend to make waves.

[Valdeeves]

Not always easy though depending on the person.

[Valdeeves]

I mean the one from compospost!

[PortofinoRevisited]

Hmm. Families can have some weird shit going on. My own included. I hope to bring dd up to stand up for herself but also to realise that sometimes effort is required to get on with other people. Its a hard one. At Xmas I saw my SIL who I love and adore, give instructions to DN re her own babies. They kind of shrugged it off but you could sense the irritation.

[Salmotrutta]

Oh I totally understand what you say Porto!

My DD is a good mum and I never interfere - I just follow her way of doing things.

Her MIL is pretty good too - she doesnt try to impose views or anything and as commented on how well DD is coping etc..

That said, an older relative tried to tell my DD what she should be doing with the grandchildren (completely daft advice) ... DD told them straight that she wasn't prepared to take their advice. She was polite but very firm.

[WooWooOwl]

Women are more manipulative than men, so their relationships need more management, their relationship is fundamentally more complicated. Call me a misogynist if you like, but that's what I think.

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

there's a couple of sayings about this - your daughter is your daughter for life, your son is yours until he takes a wife, and, when a daughter marries a mother gains a son, when a son marries a mother loses a son (or thereabouts!).

[Salmotrutta]

And yet another MIL thread has appeared!

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

I agree woo woo, men seem more straight forward usually and I am one to hate making sweeping male/female statements but they do seem more independant and want to chat and converse and talk to people , maybe why mumsnet is so popular and there doesn't seem to be a similar dads net!

women are the main communicators normally.

I just pray my DD's get nice MILS and I will certainly encourage my dds to be nice to their mils and make sure their included, however, if they are bitches who treat my daughters like most mils on here treat their dils, then no, I wont be encouraging my dd's to be door mats.

Alot of the angst isnt just when the dil is ill and wants her own mum op, its usually women posting they have just had a baby, have suffered damage in one way or another and feel more comfortable with their own mothers there, rather than their usually domineering MILS who over step boundaries round the baby.

Big difference to DIL having a migrane and wanting mum!

if my DH had a baby and didnt want my mother there with his penis shot to peices, but his own mother drafted in, I would totally understand that and I think most women would! Just as most men understand when a womans under carriage has taken the beating of its life...she wants her mother there....

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

sorry, women want to chat more...not men! confusing