to still not want to fork out to attend relatives wedding?

(93 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:04:31

My sister plans to get married abroad. She initially said she wants my dd to be bridesmaid. I am on benefits which she knows but she thinks by giving people a couple of years notice to save then its OK.

She was talking about packages for the wedding which include ten guests. I asked her if dd would be paid for (under this package thing) and she just laughed and of course not, she is fully expecting me to pay about 3k for the for of us to attend her wedding because we have notice to save. We are currently trying to saves house deposit which is a damn site more important than a wedding.

Now the place has changed and its even more expensive and further away. She is also having it in term to e and we have an older child at school.

I have recently found out I am getting a decent inheritance and would easily be able to afford to attend but I actually don't want to use the money for that. I don't want to take ds out of school and get fined, it's also not somewhere you can incorporates family holiday, otherwise I would have done it tbh.

Aibu to not want to spend the money on this even though its my sister? Ultimately all the family that she wants there will save up and go, the ones who can't, she's not so bothered about anyway.

Sallyingforth Mon 06-Jan-14 17:04:02

So glad to hear you are going to do the right thing OP!
Spending the money on your house will create a permanent benefit to your family.
Spending it on attending this wedding would be a slight and very temporary benefit to an apparently selfish person.
There are much harder decisions than this.

angelos02 Mon 06-Jan-14 17:00:12

£3000 to attend a wedding? Fuck that. Some people get married for less than that. I agree with the poster that said if you want to get married, you should pay for people to get there...or at the very least, pay for your close family to get there.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Mon 06-Jan-14 16:54:15

Put your money into your house fund, but take out enough to buy her a nice wedding present. You would be mad to go. Agree with the others that if you choose to have a wedding abroad, you have to pay for your guests to attend, or accept graciously when they say no (tbh, I think it's a bit of a cheek to even ask!)

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:51:01

cing that sounds lovely! Wish this was something more like that, I could suck up the cost of a fine for taking DS out school otherwise. grin

I am very sensible and practical, and yes the inheritance will nearly all be spent on a house, furniture and redecorating, there will be quite a bit we don't have.

I will be telling her the next time I see her.

Appreciate all the advice. smile

BlingBang Mon 06-Jan-14 16:47:15

Just tell her you can't afford it, your priority is buying a house. Doesn't need to be more to it than that. We love weddings abroad but everyone's circumstances are different.

cingolimama Mon 06-Jan-14 16:43:09

OP you sound like a thoroughly sensible person. Can I add to general MN view, that it would be bonkers to consider going to this wedding, spending £3000? Even with the inheritance, you'll need every penny for the house - you may need new furnishings, new appliances, you may have to do some refurbishment - even repainting costs money. And if you have any left over, you should spend it on a lovely holiday to a place where you and yours want to go, rather than the location dictated by a bridezilla.

BTW, I did get married abroad (Italy), but the wedding was extremely modest - all the lovelier for it. We paid for flights and booked and paid for accomodation for guests. It would not have occurred to me to ask people to pay.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:40:17

Exactly slim I don't think that has even factored on her radar actually. And there are other children involved that are suppose to be going.

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:39:06

I don't know, but its too far for one night. Probably about a 12ish hour flight, plus travel from airports either side. I also have health problems and it would be too tiring for that length of time.

SlimJiminy Mon 06-Jan-14 16:39:03

The fact that it's in term time would be enough of a reason to say no for me. And that's before the cost has even come into it. You need to make it perfectly clear - sooner rather than later - that you won't be attending her overseas wedding. As someone without kids, I can completely understand that people with kids would rather spend their money on a family holiday than on a wedding or hen weekend. She's being completely unreasonable.

maddening Mon 06-Jan-14 16:22:17

How much is a return flight and one night accommodation for one person?

CrapBag Mon 06-Jan-14 16:16:45

I am going to bring it up with her when I see her again so she can sort out alternative bm arrangements.

She is planning on ttc as well which I have no idea how that will fit in but she is adamant that this is what they are going to do. Apparently its because they each have family in different parts of the country so this is to save them the bother of all having to get to one place?

Personally I think its because they know the 'important' ones will pay to go. His parents and siblings, my brothers, some aunts and cousins, sisters mum and close friends. I am assuming she does think I am actually going to save up, even though I have voiced my concerns about the cost more than once. No one on our dads side is going to be able to go, but I don't think she is that bothered as they are going to have this party later.

Topaz25 Mon 06-Jan-14 15:17:00

Your sister needs to understand she can't have her wedding cake and eat it too. If she chooses to have her wedding abroad, she is choosing the venue over the guests and some people will not be able to attend. I would let her know now so she doesn't plan on you attending.

mameulah Sun 05-Jan-14 21:27:49

To go to a wedding rather than buy a house, imho is ridiculous. And something you would very much regret.

Buy your house and enjoy feeling secure and happy in your own home.

Apologies about not going to the wedding and then totally forget about it.

CrapBag Sun 05-Jan-14 20:17:34

Thanks for the replies.

Try to answer a few things.

It is a younger dd who has been asked to be bm, ds has not been asked to be pageboy which I am a little sad about, he isn't too old for that.

Don't want to state the. Size of inheritance but it doesn't affect my benefits because they are not income related. It is enough to go but I'd much rather put it into a house and a family holiday.

Like others have said, families can be complicated and it is my inheritance on my own side of the family. No conflict will be caused because of that.

I could go on my own and I did consider it but my kids would be upset, I wouldn't enjoy it as much and it would mean dh taking a week of work which wouldn't be fair.

Mia4 Sun 05-Jan-14 11:32:38

A wedding invite is just that, not a summons. Even if it is your family. Yes, it's sad if family can't come and if it was that it cost £50 and you had 2 years to save then Dsis would be right to be upset at being a lower priority. 3k however is ridiculous to ask anyone to give up and spend on them, just for a wedding or holiday or whatever. Plus factor in an additional 1k for clothes, hen do (which you know she'll want you on) etc.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Other relatives? I'm sure you can't be the only incredulous one.

Your sis can have whatever wedding she and her groom want, wherever it is with whomever they they. Those people invited can also very easily decline the invitation on any grounds. When you are having a wedding, you have to expect several people to cancel whether it's abroad or just down your local. It's just that you plan for a higher amount to cancel if abroad and costly.

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-Jan-14 10:39:16

(posted too soon) ...the inheritance could quite easily be from a grandparent, or parent on the side that isn't shared.

Plus some people leave money to non-blood family, my mum inherited from her godmother, who wasn't her siblings' godmother. When she was in her 40s, my Gran inherited a large sum from a woman who was her good friend (who had no family of her own).

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-Jan-14 10:35:19

Well, a lot of families aren't as straight forward as one unit anymore. Lots of people have brother and sisters who are really half-brothers/sisters, so have relatives that aren't their sibling's relatives. I have only heard adults call their half-siblings "half-brother/sister" if they grew up in different houses (basically a new sibling from the non-resident parent side). Most people who share a mother (normally the resident parent), don't think of them as anything other than 'sister/brother'.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 05-Jan-14 10:33:34

It does sound like its the OP's inheritance not the DH's so i forsee more problems on the horizon not just the wedding.

If the OP is on benefits then savings over a certain amount will affect them and spendinh thousands to attend a wedding or go on holiday would be seen as deprevation of capital.

SuburbanRhonda Sun 05-Jan-14 10:18:32

I thought that about the inheritance and wondered why the OP's sister knew nothing about it.

But surely if it's the DH's inheritance, OP wouldn't say that it was she who was inheriting?

3bunnies Sun 05-Jan-14 09:38:52

Inheritance probably on dh side.

Toecheese Sun 05-Jan-14 09:22:43

How much are you due to inherit?

I can understand prioritising buying a house.

jedishelly1 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:04:47

YANBU, your sister is!

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 05-Jan-14 08:51:49

I'd just make it clear you can't afford to go. But am nosily intrigued about an inheritance she knows nothing about - is it a family member because that may become a bigger issue than the wedding to be honest.

Just say youve added up spare money after saving for the house and it amounts to £5 per month. In three years time that will be £180, so a no go, but you will see her at the party.

Add in "surely you wouldnt expect us to spend our House deposit on a non kid friendly holiday to a place we would never consider going?"

fluffyraggies Sun 05-Jan-14 08:42:45

Don't go OP. And don't let them make you feel bad.

''Anyone who gets married abroad or in a location far away from their home, has to accept that the consequences are that people may not have the time or money to attend.''

This ^ ^

No matter who says what to whom subsequently, this ^ ^ is what it boils down to.

I would add inclination to ''time and money'' as well to be honest. Even if you can afford it and have the time it's a big big ask to go abroad with kids just to attend a wedding.

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