to still not want to fork out to attend relatives wedding?

(93 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:04:31

My sister plans to get married abroad. She initially said she wants my dd to be bridesmaid. I am on benefits which she knows but she thinks by giving people a couple of years notice to save then its OK.

She was talking about packages for the wedding which include ten guests. I asked her if dd would be paid for (under this package thing) and she just laughed and of course not, she is fully expecting me to pay about 3k for the for of us to attend her wedding because we have notice to save. We are currently trying to saves house deposit which is a damn site more important than a wedding.

Now the place has changed and its even more expensive and further away. She is also having it in term to e and we have an older child at school.

I have recently found out I am getting a decent inheritance and would easily be able to afford to attend but I actually don't want to use the money for that. I don't want to take ds out of school and get fined, it's also not somewhere you can incorporates family holiday, otherwise I would have done it tbh.

Aibu to not want to spend the money on this even though its my sister? Ultimately all the family that she wants there will save up and go, the ones who can't, she's not so bothered about anyway.

BrianTheMole Sat 04-Jan-14 21:06:36

No I wouldn't. If she wants to go to all that expense she can pay for it.

maddening Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:23

Is it abroad? What adds up to £3k to just attend?

Lilacroses Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:29

Wow, I really feel for you. Your sister is being incredibly unreasonable and unfeeling. Of course Yanbu to not want to do this, no matter whether you have the inheritance or not. I have never spent that amount of money on a holiday in my life and I would be damned if I would do it to a place of someone else's choosing! She can get married wherever she likes but you do NOT have to go. This sort of things makes me so cross!

PedlarsSpanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:07:31

Och just don't go

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 21:08:13

YANBU you can't demand people to pay to attend your wedding regardless of where it is. If you really want certain people to attend you consider that when choosing a venue.

invicta Sat 04-Jan-14 21:09:32

I think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to pay that amount. Its a lot of money.i

Anyone who gets married abroad or in a location far away from their home, has to accept that the consequences are that people may not have the time or money to attend.

YANBU, your sister is.

misskatamari Sat 04-Jan-14 21:10:02

3 grand to attend a wedding - that's ridiculous! Of course YANBU to not want to spend it. She won't like it but that's the price you pay with destination weddings - not everyone will be able to attend. If you don't want to spend the money, don't go.

BillyBanter Sat 04-Jan-14 21:11:02

Tell her you can't go. That every spare penny you have is going on buying a house and you simply can't justify £3k on a holiday.

YANBU.

BillyBanter Sat 04-Jan-14 21:12:28

And if/when she whines 'but it's my wedding' you can say 'either venue is more important or making it affordable to those you want to attend is more important. You chose venue.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:15:31

She knows you are on benefits yet expects you to save?? Are you on income support? Cos if so I don't see how you could anyway

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:16:51

Yes the 3k was for all 4 of us for a week in her original choice. The place has now changed and chances are it is actually more than this now, in fact it is, I remember her telling me its about £850 per person!

She actually thinks its OK because she is giving people a couple of years notice to save, which personally I think is very selfish to expect people to keep money back for that length of time just to watch someone get married, in a place I've never had any desire to go and it certainly isn't the sort of place you would think about taking children.

There's no way I could afford £3000 for a family holiday, so there's no way I'd be paying that sum to see my DB get married.

Your sister has to accept her choices have consequences, but don't forget some people might start harping on about you having to go because "it's family".

Weddings are really only important to the people getting married, IME, for everyone else it's often the excuse for a do, nothing more.

clara26 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:18:18

YANBU I wouldn't get married abroad unless I could pay for the people I wanted there. I wouldn't assume that my wedding was important enough to others to make them spend three grand.

CSIJanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:19:09

My DSis had this with her BF from school. Asked DN to be bridesmaid, measured for dresses etc, got everyone excited, then announced it was Grenada. Only her immediate family went, plus my DSis and her family. It cost over £6000 in total, used up the limited holiday allocation they had from work for family holidays and DSis was used as a babysitter and carer for the family.

The thing is, whilst it is your family, its a huge financial obligation plus educational expense as well. It's not just a weekend jolly to a boutique hotel in the UK. YANBU - she must not be expecting everyone can come and TBH, just giving notice to people that they have time to save is a touch rude.

Do you have any elderly or ill relatives? As they probably won't be able to attend either.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:19:15

Sickness benefits joules. Dh works but no way we could justify this sort of money on attending a wedding. We don't spend anything like this on family holidays, never taken the kids abroad, but hoping to when I get my inheritance.

GhettoPrincess001 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:08

Sorry, but as others have said, don't go.

You've got your long term priorities, focus on them. Are you seriously going to miss out on buying a house for this ?

I have a friend who lives in Surrey and her husband's brother was getting married in Liverpool. Unfortunately they just could not afford to go i.e. money for petrol, an overnight stay in a bed and breakfast, money for a wedding present, not being able to stay long at the reception as their son was only two at the time, plus additional expenses - you know it goes. It was all just to much, in more ways than one.

So, they declined to go. Not surprisingly his mother was not impressed. Well, hard luck. He gave her the hand made wedding present to give to him as she was going.

I get the impression that as things stand now more than ten years later, that was kind of, 'small beer'. His brother's life has had all the twists and turns of a soap opera.

CrapBag Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:12

There are elderly relatives who won't be able to go, they're planning on a party when they get back. Its not the same though.

Joules68 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:22:09

Is the rest of the family supporting her? Saying yes they are going etc?

CSIJanner Sat 04-Jan-14 21:22:47

So you've never taken your children abroad, you're receiving sickness benefits, you've never spent this type of money, and she expects you to shell out? Pfft!

Give your sister a biscuit

Tinkertaylor1 Sat 04-Jan-14 21:25:00

She will probably get the wedding free if there are a certain number of guests going.

I didn't attend my dads wedding to step mum as it was so expensive. £2000 for two weeks in Greece I don't think so for just me and DD1.

Its lovely if you want to get married abroad but dont expect every fucker to shell out so you can get a free wedding!

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jan-14 21:31:21

I would say to her, "Oh dear sis, I will never be able to save up £3,000 for your wedding. The most I can manage is £2,000. Would you mind if I gave you that money instead of dragging the family to a remote part of the world to watch you marry?"

When she snaps your hand off, you'll know she doesn't give a damn about you being there, so you can happily decline the invitation.

grin

slowdownyourneighbours Sat 04-Jan-14 21:33:52

YANBU. shock Shocking to think your own sister thinks that this is at all reasonable. I hope you can stand firm on this OP - you are so in the right here!

Terrortree Sat 04-Jan-14 21:34:25

No one should ever decide how another person spends their money (with the exception of the taxman!). So don't feel guilty for making your own choices - and justify it to no-one.

The fact that this is no longer a simple 'I can't afford it' but a 'I don't want to' is quite reasonable reason to decline the invitation.

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