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AIBU to not want DH's sibling to stay with us?

(230 Posts)
livinginthechickendrumsticks Fri 03-Jan-14 07:15:09

DH works really long hours, I work from home and do all the house and kids stuff. We recently moved nearer to our city so my DH's commute is less as it was causing him a lot of stress. My SIL lives at home at her parents near the coast and commutes into the city and has a long journey. She earns quite a high salary, is no spring chicken and lives at home, so I know she is not short of cash. She could buy her own place. SIL and MIL (as usual a united front of both of them) have asked DH if she can stay at my place 2/3 nights every week to take the sting off the commute for her and so she can go out on the town with her friends. DH said he would think about it (as he has no backbone) but back home he was really mad about it. He doesn't want her to stay with us as he says that when he comes home at night he wants a bit of peace and quiet and just wants to be with us.

As for me, I can't even start to tell you how much I do not want this. I do not get along with SIL very well as she is openly rude to me. My SIL is very spoiled and immature and really does think that the rest of us were put on this earth to revolve around her. It is quite matrix like. MIL also thinks the world revolves around SIL. I have had a lot of conflict with her (and PIL) because I pull her up on her behaviour. My DH is quite adamant that he doesn't want this to happen, however I know that he could be quite easily be emotionally blackmailed into it by PIL. Whenever I have stood up against things in the past, MIL has said things like "but don't you know who we are talking about? It's SIL you know, not just anybody" hmm Also MIL uses the phrase "That's what families do for each other". Just for the record, no one has ever done anything for DH, or are ever likely to do so. SIL is openly rude to me in my own house, in front of my children. Also MIL in the past has told me that "this is my son's house and I'll do what I like" and passes comment on every little thing we buy e.g. that tea pot you bought, well I went into John Lewis to see how much it was and it was 49.99, who would spend that much on a tea pot? I'm sure that if we are away and SIL is in our house, MIL will come over and that SIL will be constantly be reporting back in minute detail.

I don't think IABU (do you?), but my head is swirling and I need a good few polite, objective answers to give them about why SIL is not staying at my place. MIL will think IABU and probably get into a massive feud over it. This has sucked the joy out of my new place and I am actually getting pissed off with DH. I told him that my family give him zero grief in his life whereas his are always in my face.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 03-Jan-14 07:18:54

Just say no. Her socialising will disturb the kids no?

3bunnies Fri 03-Jan-14 07:19:26

YADNBU.

GertyD Fri 03-Jan-14 07:20:51

YANBU. Your DH needs to be firm and say no. Your home is your sanctuary and haven away from stresses and strains. It is entirely right that it is kept that way. He knows the score. He, unfortunately (the same as mine) has to man up and take do the right thing.

gamerchick Fri 03-Jan-14 07:21:01

Ah man set off the feud. The peace you may get might be worth it.

TheSumofUs Fri 03-Jan-14 07:21:41

How about a simple "we are sorry - It is not convenient" and the say nothing else but to repeat "sorry - it is not convenient" every time an excuse is raised

You could also exchange the word "convenient" for "appropriate" (which I quite prefer)

"I am sorry [sil/mil], it is not appropriate" and repeat this as often as required

CoffeeTea103 Fri 03-Jan-14 07:22:47

Yanbu, this will cause endless problems for you with your il, and more importantly with your DH. The family life will be disrupted, and it's just not worth the problems.
Do you have space to accommodate her, if not then this would be a good reason.
Also for the reasons you listed it would not be a good idea. But this needs to come from your DH to them.

bragmatic Fri 03-Jan-14 07:23:41

I think you're going to have to try to avoid making excuses "Sorry, we can't, because xyz…" because it sounds like they'll come up with a response to everything. So, I'm afraid you'll have to say: "No" (with an infuriating smile attached), many times over until they get it.

And of course you aren't being unreasonable!

TheSumofUs Fri 03-Jan-14 07:23:44

The teapot thing would really annoy me and I would not be able to relax because of this - it's your home - other adults should not be able to come and go without your express invitation

nooka Fri 03-Jan-14 07:24:52

It's a pretty outrageous suggestion really, essentially your SIL wants to freeload so she can party it up at your expense.

I think you just have to say "no that won't work" repeatedly. It sounds as if your MIL/SIL will cause grief no matter what you say so I'd not bother with the reasons as they probably won't accept any of them in any case.

Sometimes the answer to 'why' really is 'because I said so'.

AmandaCooper Fri 03-Jan-14 07:24:58

Good grief my head's spinning! What a mad suggestion. Tell DH you are not prepared to open the floodgates to unlimited abuse on tap in your own home and if he doesn't like conflict, neither should he. They sound completely hideous!

livinginthechickendrumsticks Fri 03-Jan-14 07:25:40

Yes we do have space. I honestly think that is she stays, I will end up leaving shock what would otherwise be a very happy marriage. That's how strongly I feel about it. Hearing myself say these things though makes me feel like a bitch. I know they will think it is all me. Apparently DH has changed since he met me. He grew half a backbone, not a full one, it is a work in progress.

natwebb79 Fri 03-Jan-14 07:27:44

a.) This is for your husband to deal with and b.) his exact words should be 'no'.

seventiesgirl Fri 03-Jan-14 07:28:00

Present her with a list of potential house shares in the area (or preferably an area equally distant from town, nowhere near you). Or even better people looking for lodgers - some people only want lodgers midweek too.

She can't complain if she has the cash...

nooka Fri 03-Jan-14 07:28:54

Don't feel like a bitch chickendrumsticks! Even if your SIL was a nicer person it would still be a huge imposition and not something anyone sane would suggest except as a one off or in a crisis situation.

Does it matter if they think it's you being mean? It doesn't sound as if they are civil to you anyway - how much worse can it get? Especially given the alternative is being walked all over.

sockssandalsandafork Fri 03-Jan-14 07:35:46

'Goodness me, no MIL, I could imagine nothng worse than having another person move in with me dh and the dc's, I wouldnt even consider my own sister'

What a ridiculous imposition! idiots!

livinginthechickendrumsticks Fri 03-Jan-14 07:37:05

Thanks everyone. Before I typed this, the answer was always going to be no. I just felt that I needed to know if I was BU or not. Knowing that I am not, reinforces my original opinion and strengthens my stance. As nooka says, if it was a one off or a crisis, then yes I would say OK, but I think that once her feet are under the table it would be difficult o change around and she would just ask for more.

Thesumof, yes the tea pot thing did piss me off and this is just one example. They will go out of their way to look up things in the internet, check out how much something we bought is, check out how much our house is worth on the internet and then give us feedback on it (usually negative in some way). It's fucking annoying and especially to me, who is someone who is fiercely private and at the same time, someone who minds her own business too.

averywoomummy Fri 03-Jan-14 07:38:53

Oh you definitely don't want her staying. Personally I wouldn't even like someone that I got on with staying with my family for 2/3 nights a week let alone someone as rude as your SIL.

Also think of all the potential problems - will you be expected to cook for her, will she want to use your washing machine, will the kids be woken up by her coming in late, will she contribute to bills, will she argue about what to watch on the TV!

I think it has to be a firm "No - that won't work for us" repeated over and over again. If you want you could add that it will be disruptive for the kids. I also agree with the poster that you suggest that if she want's to stay in the city on a regular basis that she looks into a flat share.

Madambossyboots Fri 03-Jan-14 07:44:58

Sounds like mil wants rid .,... Stupid sil should grow up and get her own place.

golemmings Fri 03-Jan-14 08:04:54

If she's living for free at her parents, would the prospect of having to pay rent with you put her off? Clearly now you've moved to the city, you may have a bigger mortgage and not have any spare money to subsidise a third adult. Obviously the family response will be that charging rent is not what families do but neither do they bankrupt each other.

LucilleBluth Fri 03-Jan-14 08:15:18

God no, it would be such a disruption to family life. SIL sounds like she needs to grow up.

Squeakygate Fri 03-Jan-14 08:20:42

A one off - yes it would be nice to offer that option. A weekly thrice nightly arrangement - never.
Good luck op.

Ememem84 Fri 03-Jan-14 08:22:29

Just day no. Or ask mil if you dh and Dcs can move in with them. You know, cos that's what families do.

Ememem84 Fri 03-Jan-14 08:23:11

Or quickly rent spare room out, invent damp/ghost/a damp ghost, move house...

littlewhitechristmasbag Fri 03-Jan-14 08:25:05

Sounds horrendous. No way would I agree to that. I value my privacy and peace in the evenings. If SIL is out socializing then she is likely to come in late and disturb you and the children.

If she wants to socialize then she can do what others do and book a hotel to stay in.

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