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To want DSS to move out

(252 Posts)
Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus Thu 02-Jan-14 22:31:10

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

lilyaldrin Thu 02-Jan-14 22:33:43

Definitely calm down. They are not "underage" for kissing.

Why do you want to kick DSS out and not your DD?

twentyten Thu 02-Jan-14 22:34:21

You poor thing. Sorry can't advise but thinking of you.

HermioneWeasley Thu 02-Jan-14 22:37:32

Well it doesn't seem they think of each other as brother and sister any more and they're not blood relatives.

Why would DSS have to be the one to leave?

I think you need to wait to make any decisions until you are calmer

fifi669 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:38:16

I guess DSS has somewhere to go but not DD?

They've been brought up as brother and sister so yes, you need to put a stop to it. I think you're doing the right thing.

Best of luck!

PedlarsSpanner Thu 02-Jan-14 22:38:54

yes agree you need to all calm down

and why is the younger child to be asked to leave? think about this a bit

it need not be the end of the world, not ideal, of course it's not

now, cups of tea all round and calm calm calm

usernameunknown Thu 02-Jan-14 22:39:03

They aren't related though are they. If you kick your DSS out then I imagine you and DH can kiss any future relationship with him goodbye.

Your DD is to 'blame' (if that's the right word) too

SmileItsANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 22:39:13

I'm not sure how you can resolve this at all but I'm not sure that separating this boy from his Dad is right either.

How did you make the decision between kicking out DSS and DD? Also I think the age is the least of your concern here but they aren't actually underage for what they were doing...

Good Luck, I truly wish I had some advice for you.

JeanSeberg Thu 02-Jan-14 22:39:34

Don't get why the boy gets the shitty end of the stick not the girl. Care to explain op?

Chattymummyhere Thu 02-Jan-14 22:39:57

No advice but I would be freaking out too.. They have lived as brother and sister and are dating.. However I did have a family member who did this although not as bad as the step brother was not biologically the fathers anyway it was over pretty quick though once it came to light

Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus Thu 02-Jan-14 22:40:27

They were kissing passionately, as DH put it. Quote from DSS "We haven't had sex yet." Them being under the same roof all the time makes this very easy. DSS has loving mum to go to, he spends a lot of time there anyway, and has own room. DD doesn't have anyway to go. They need to be separated.

lilyaldrin Thu 02-Jan-14 22:41:20

They're not brother and sister though, and have only lived together for 2 years. It's hardly incest.

Onepostposy Thu 02-Jan-14 22:42:03

I would argue that they haven't been raised as brother/sister, actually - the DSS only moved in permanently two years ago.

My DF and I are childhood friends and we used to play innocently in the paddling pool - it doesn't make our relationship incestuous, and your DSS and DD's relationship isn't either.

I think it's a shame, really, that they probably both feel dirty and horrible now when they're just kids mucking about. They haven't eloped, after all.

SmileItsANewYear Thu 02-Jan-14 22:42:18

Sit down tomorrow and discuss but I guess ultimately you have to be the one's to make the decision of what happens. Good luck, it must be a lot to take in right now.

Chattymummyhere Thu 02-Jan-14 22:42:25

Also pretty sure if this got out at school this would have a massive effect on them and the other school age dd as at those ages it would be seen a disgusting and they would all be picked on and singled out for it.. Might be worth asking how they would feel about that

Onepostposy Thu 02-Jan-14 22:42:28

Cross post lily

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Thu 02-Jan-14 22:42:35

Your poor dss - surely you can't make him leave his home for kissing? Especially as he is the younger one.

Hmm, they are not blood relations, however they were brought up. You're being a bit OTT, I think. The more you 'disapprove' the more they'll want to be together. I'd sleep on it and handle it very carefully. If you'd caught your DD kissing a different boy? I guess the accessibility of each other's bedrooms would need careful managing.

How would you discuss and resole this if DSS had no options? I don't think that kicking him out will solve anything and in fact could make things worse.

you need to calm down and discuss this when you have thought things through.

They are not blood related, they have only lived under the same roof for 2 years and they are not underaged for what they were doing.

CeliaLytton Thu 02-Jan-14 22:43:40

I assume that the boy has somewhere to go, a home with a parent who can look after him, whereas the girl does not. I don't think it is to do with the age or sex of the children. Stop giving the OP a hard time about separating them and offer a solution if you don't agree.

OP, calm down. I have no advice but I hope you, DH and your children find a solution.

SoonToBeSix Thu 02-Jan-14 22:44:39

I think you are massively overacting they have not had sex and they are not brother and sister.

Lottiedoubtie Thu 02-Jan-14 22:44:43

I think when you've calmed down you need to think things through logically.

Best case scenario that you can realistically manage is them living apart and being allowed to 'date' under the same rules you'd have for them dating anyone else I think.

They aren't blood relations and lots of people get it on with childhood friends in adolescence.

CeliaLytton Thu 02-Jan-14 22:45:01

And my assumption is based on the fact that DSS has previously lived with mum so can be provided for and may have a room there. DD's father was not mentioned.

someonestolemynick Thu 02-Jan-14 22:45:22

Is there any rational reason why they need to be separated other than just your feelings that it's wrong?

They are not blood relatives after all.

Upcycled Thu 02-Jan-14 22:47:15

If DSS has a loving mum to go to and his own room maybe it is a good idea that he goes, but would this really make them stop seeing each other? And you know, teenagers are attracted to whatever is forbidden, it seems their 'love' will grow even stronger after the drama.

I think they need to be convinced they love each other as brother and sister even though they aren't blood related and the rest is just hormones kicking in...not sure how to achieve this tbh.

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