To just be utterly rude to my FIL from now on, after this latest visit?

[YankNCock]

We live about 200 miles away from the inlaws and have just been down for a visit. It took us 6.5 hours to get down there, in the car with a 4yo and a 1yo.

Is it so unreasonable to think FIL could shut off the fucking telly for a half hour or so and interact with his grandchildren? Seriously, Judge Judy repeats that he's got RECORDED, are more important to him.

This was the worst its ever been. Previous visits he would occasionally turn on a children's channel as an excuse for having it on, but this time, other than about 20 seconds of Cartoon Network, he didn't even try to keep up the pretence.

Conversations couldn't be had because he kept inching up the volume every time my SIL spoke (he doesn't like her). He virtually ignored my 4 year old and spent about 5 minutes in total over the 24 hours with the 1 yo.

I was so sad to see DS1 looking at FIL hopefully as he made some funny faces at DS2, but he just totally blanked DS1. I can't remember what happened last time we visited, but I do recall DH saying 'well, he'll go off DS1 now' and he certainly has.

I'm still fuming and it's 4 days later. FIL just rung, and of course 1yo is yelling in the background and I couldn't hear anything properly, so I was a bit terse.

I wish I'd said something, but I've fallen into the family pattern of tiptoeing around him to avoid causing trouble for MIL. But some part of me thinks I cannot keep this up.

[TaraLott]

Depends, maybe he's losing his marbles?

[Sparklingbrook]

Honestly? I wouldn't go again. I would explain exactly why too.

[phantomnamechanger]

do they come to you? would MIL come on her own? I do find the behaviour odd but them my nana is the same - TV on all the time in her flat and when we go, after a quick hello, all she talks about is whos on the TV, explaining the rules of a quiz show or something about the host or main star. That's her routine.

[grovel]

I just would not go. Both you and FiL would be happier. Find a way of seeing MiL outside her home.

[YankNCock]

No, according to DH he's actually mellowed over the years, temper not as explosive, less often giving people the silent treatment, etc.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

What happened before could be very relevant.

[Losthearts]

What does your OH think?

[Bloodyteenagers]

I wouldn't go any more. But then I don't go and see people who I don't like anyway, regardless of who they are.
If they came to visit, the TV would loose its plug.

[Topaz25]

YANBU. You certainly shouldn't have to make so much effort just to be ignored. Can they come and see you or could you go out to a cafe with MIL next time?

[YankNCock]

They don't come to us, ever. FIL has had both hips replaced, MIL doesn't drive and has terrible arthritis. We moved up here nearly 6 years ago and they've never visited. I don't begrudge them not coming, though if they really wanted to, they could make it happen, just once, to see where we live.

They are like a completely different generation, it's like they are in their 80s or 90s rather than 60s. MIL stands up to him a bit more than she used to (according to DH), but mostly its just a like walking into a passive-aggressive shitstorm.

[Only1scoop]

Blimey all that huge journey with two tinies all for that....I'd be hitting the gin

[YankNCock]

It wasn't anything terrible, just DS1 being a normal 4yo. He's generally polite and not spoiled. It was some minor tantrum which was dealt with appropriately by me, I can't even remember what it was about, just that FIL seemed to ignore DS1 following that.

[DeWe]

Why did your dh say "he'll go off ds1 now"

Is it because he doesn't mind them tiny, but doesn't like them when older? Or is it something he's done? It then depends on what was done, and what happened.

[drivingmisslazy]

This sounds just like my dad he is terrible for this, I live miles away and usually only visit twice a year, my mum gives 100% attention to the kids but my dad will keep the telly on and hardly engage with the kids, he has been like this for years and was even like it when I was a child, it makes me so sad. DD would stand in front the telly to get his attention and he would shush her out the way, I said she is only doing it for attention and he would say I am watching this, usually some programme about a motorbike being stripped down. If it wasn't for my mum I wouldn't bother going.

So YANBU

[YankNCock]

I feel awful for MIL, the visits aren't long enough for her, but we just can't take being there very long. We quit staying with them because we just couldn't stand it, were staying with a friend about 40 minutes away but now can't because she got a cat (DH allergic).

This time we were down for 4 nights but stayed at PILs for just 1. We got hotels the other nights, one of which was only about 10 minutes from their house. We saw friends on the other days, which makes the entire trip more worth it. I think I would have exploded if we'd only been down to see the PILs.

If we start taking MIL out separately, FIL will make her life more hellish, that's DH's opinion, but something he's considering as well as he was highly fucked off too.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

I have to say I am always surprised when people dont want to see where their children live.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Unless he has some signs of dementia or is losing his marbles, i would find this very rude and not bother with the 200 mile journey again as he clearly cannot be bothered to even give his own gc a second of his time!

[YankNCock]

DeWe, FIL's normal pattern with most people, including children, is that once you've done one thing he doesn't like, he forms a bad opinion of you that can never be undone. It doesn't matter that DS1 is 4 fucking years old.

DH can't remember exactly what it was either, just that it was something very trivial and normal for a 4yo to do.

[Fairylea]

I get palpitations just at the thought of driving more than an hour or so with ds 18 months in the car. You're brave!

There's no way I'd go again. What for? He doesn't appreciate the visit. What a waste of time for all involved.

But then I'm quite hard line when it comes to family. Both dh and I are virtually no contact with all of ours.

[YankNCock]

Elf, me too. My parents and their partners have flown from the USA on more than one occasion.

I think I find this so galling because my parents would dearly love to see their grandsons as often as FIL does. My dad was here for a month last autumn and it was wonderful, now they're back to having a grandfather that ignores them.

[BabyMummy29]

I feel for you. We had an awful time at PiL and OH has vowed never to go back, We don't have small children but from our arrival I couldn't wait to leave.

[comedycentral]

Sounds awful. But, it wouldn't stop me visiting, he sounds old and demotivated. He's had two hip replacement surgeries. I would just accept that he's like that and just carry on for MIL.

[Chottie]

Couldn't ILs come down on the train if they can't / won't drive? I was surprised to read they are only in their 60s, from what you wrote I thought they were in their 80s.

It's really sad to read how your FiLs ignores your DC, you sound a lovely caring DiL who really wants your DC to have a relationship with both there GP.

[HavantGuard]

Don't go anymore. I'm sorry for your MIL who will miss out but you need to protect your DC from feeling rejected.