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to expect my ex to NOT put potty trained 3YO in nappies?

(16 Posts)
notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:01:42

Fuming. Dd2 potty trained earlier on this year. Been doing perfectly well, only the odd accident when out or engrossed in playing.

Ex has them every other weekend. Last few times he's brought her back in a nappy but not told me, only when I get them into their pjs that I see the nappy.

Emailed several times polite but firm about the fact that she is 3 and can use the toilet and does not need a nappy and he knows this. He ignores and doesn't reply.

Anyway. We are now back to square 1 with dd2 becoming increasingly upset each time she has an accident and I'm lucky if she goes to the toilet once a day. Bless her its not her fault.

To top it off ex lives with his mum dad and brother. So how come 4 adults can't manage to prompt a 3 year old to go to the toilet? Wibu to revoke his overnight access until dd2 is fully trained and I can actually get a response from him regarding it? I've also text his Mum which was ignored.

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:04:51

Lol oh did dear. May 2013 she cracked the potty/toilet.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 02-Jan-14 15:20:16

I wouldn't revoke longer hours contact for that reason but I would probally make it very clear that if he was unable to enter into communications about children's care needs when given reasonable time to do so,that in itself is indicative of someone who is unable to meet those care needs and unwilling to attempt to engage as a parent,so if he was unable to rectify his choice then I would be seeking advice as to how to make sure my children did not have to be left with someone who could not meet their needs.

Nothing wrong with making a cock up but there is something very wrong with not being able to engage in steps to rectify it. And if he can ignore attempts at communication about this then I would assume that he would ignore it about other far more serious and important issues.

This is based on my experance (over 10 years worth) with one of my children's dads who was much the same he would never ever talk to me about anything at all,he would state what he wanted to happen then do nothing else so a "I'm swopping this weeks end contact" would not be a can we swop he would just not show up until the time he wanted to swop it to and then kick off if say we were on holiday or he was at an appointment. Any information or concerns were ingnored. In the end after a decade in and out of court he was told that if he was unable to communicate with me about dc's needs the judge would revoke his contact order. He continued ignoring so the judge revoked his order.

For many other reasons he now has no contact.but the thing that actually got the contact order removed was his inability to talk about the children's needs.

Is there any chance that DD is wetting herself regularly at his house? She may well not be as comfortable there as she is at home. How long have you been separated? If it's fairly recent, it would be a common factor. Lots of children have similar issues when starting nursery. Could you word your request differently? If not, I would just check that DD wasn't wearing a nappy when I collected her and make a comment such as "I know you don't need these, let's put your proper pants on again". Try to build up her confidence as much as possible.

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:27:03

The lack of communication is what really concerns me. He knows I won't confront him at the door because I won't make a scene in front of the kids so he just drops off and practically runs to the car.

Dd2 was trained at a time when he wasn't having contact with the kids (he decided that hed rather not pay his child support and go on nights out/weekends away/holidays abroad with his 19 year old girlfriend) and cancelled his time with kids constantly.

Its also horrible to see dd2 so confused and upset about it all. We make a bit of progress and then they go there for 2 nights and regress again.

DoItTooBabyJesus Thu 02-Jan-14 15:28:19

I'd want to d exactly the same as you want to do, but I suspect that lots of other people will think that denying access is wrong.

Can you talk face to face with him about this? You need to try and sort out the communication thing I think.

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:29:28

@justfor - we've been split up for 2 years now. She doesn't start nursery till September.

I've been doing a star chart and lots of positive reinforcement and when she does have an accident, she gets cleaned up and a cuddle and I try not to make a big fuss of it.

DoItTooBabyJesus Thu 02-Jan-14 15:29:32

X post!

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:31:04

Posting from my mobile! New fangled thing, gimme a 3310.

Moreisnnogedag Thu 02-Jan-14 15:44:12

It may be that she is more wet at his than yours and it may be that their reaction to accidents may be problematic. Fwiw DS (3) goes in and out of nappies. He's stellar at CMs but at ours will happily wet himself. It hasn't really set him back (but obviously each child is different).

I don't think you can reasonably restrict access however but I understand why you would want to.

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 15:52:12

Between June and Nov she had about 5 accidents in total. Here, that is. They only spend 3 days a month at exs.

sykadelic15 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:20:23

You know, I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all to revoke contact for a while (or maybe no overnight contacts and send her in pull-ups). It's obviously very distressing for her and it makes me think they make a big deal out of her having accidents and are treating the diapers as a punishment.

I also agree the lack of communication from them appears like they think you're meddling or wrong and refuse to do things your way. This isn't good for the child.

Maybe their bathroom doesn't have what she needs there (like a little potty or a stool or what not) and that's why she's struggling there.

Of course this all depends on whether you have contact order in place and HAVE to take her to him or whether you're organising contact for the good of your daughter (which isn't doing much good right now it seems).

Not having a go at OP, but if this was written from the point of view of a stepmum, "my 3yo DSD stays over several times a month but her mum never sends her with nappies. She says that DSD is potty trained but she's always wetting herself when she's here. AIBU to put her in nappies when she's here" the responses might have been different. I agree that you and her dad need to talk, face to face about how to go about this.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 02-Jan-14 16:31:04

Just for

That's very unlikely if the roles were reversed she would be asked what her dh thought and would have been flamed for not communicating with his ex.

I've seen 2/3 threads with much the same issue and that's pretty much what happened.

Fwiw if a child was dry everywhere else apart from at mine,it would be bloody obvious to me that the issue was something I was/was not doing so I would take steps to find out.

notthegirlnextdoor Thu 02-Jan-14 19:07:02

Just for --- totally agree, but definitely not the case here. Had that been the case, and hed told me, I would have suggested several things. Even DD1 who is 5 needs prompting to go to the toilet at times. They also have a downstairs toilet.

Bit of background: DD1 potty trained "very late" according to ex-MIL who constantly kicked off at me for it - DD1 was actually 2 years 10 months when she cracked it. DD2 was 2 years 4 months when she cracked it.

Ex made a big fuss and couldnt believe shed done it, was very happy, every weekend after drop off hed say shed been fine and had no accidents, (shes had a few when hes been out with them - which is when she has them here, when shes busy with an activity etc, all entirely normal and he would tell me when she had)

Which is why Im so confused as to the sudden reversal. The nappies make her very sore and the last one hit the floor like a brick when I took it off, indicating shed had it on for the majority of the day.

Am just gonna have to suck it up and confront him next time he picks them up, perhaps get one of my sisters to play with them upstairs or on the garden to keep the kids out of the way whilst I attempt to discover the issue.

deakymom Thu 02-Jan-14 22:54:07

will she not refuse a nappy herself? by the time my daughter was three she was vocal and disruptive if anyone tried to put a nappy on her (it might just be her who is like that she is a funny one x) can she not be prompted to say no nappy? sounds nasty but my sons nan was always stuffing sweet junk down his mouth when we were testing him for his blood sugar problems (iyswim) i wanted to stop him from going over to her house husband was dead set against confronting her about it so i taught him to say "no it makes me sick nanny" it upset her a little but it was better than an argument (sort of)

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