To not go on this holiday(109 Posts)
My DPs family have been planning a trip away as a large group for several years. He has 2 kids and they have all been looking forward to it for ages. However this trip is really expensive and not something I would ever choose to do. I earn a lot less than DP and although my parents gave me a generous cheque for Christmas I am worried that I may need this money to cover the mortgage on my house as my tenants are moving out soon and I intend to sell it but it may take a while. Being self employed means an extended holiday hits my pocket too. I don't think it has gone down well that I said I don't want to go but even if I used my Christmas money I would feel it was a waste not using it to go somewhere I actually want to go and I resent that we have to go on so many family things and don't get much holiday time to ourselves without his parents etc.
His kids and family will be upset but even if he paid towards me going I know it would be put on the 'money owed' list and I don't like being in debt. He is very money orientated and sees what I do for work as not very important and even though I work hard at it I will never earn loads. He thinks I should do more 'womanly' tasks despite the fact that I also work long hours and I don't feel it is 'our' house as was very much 'his' before we got together. I am meant to be selling my house so we can get a bigger place together. He keeps dangling the idea of getting engaged at me but he just makes excuses about it and why he hasn't asked yet that put me down and really makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship. I feel he measures our entire relationship on money and housework and doesn't appreciate the many other things I have changed in my life or what I do for the kids as it isn't a measurable thing. Help.
There are red flags but I think it's odd that you expect him to put a roof over your head without contributing some money towards that accommodation. Particularly if you currently have tenants paying the mortgage at your house. There's no way. Would have been happy with my partner living at my house 'rent' free.
Move back to your house.
Don't marry him.
He's as controlling capitalist freak.
Theimposter - what age are you and do you want to have your own children in your future?
Stay with this bloke if you wish, but really he is not "good dad " material. Good Dads don't make their DCs pay for their own holidays, nor do they dump homework, cooking and lifts onto their girlfriend. Plus if you do have DCs you'll have all the fun of blended families to work out - with a DF who is busy counting every penny earned and spent on the balance sheet, whilst conveniently forgetting how much he'd have to spend on cleaning, babysitting, childminders etc. if you weren't there.
''Fiery is generally relationship speak for 'speaks to me like shit'.'' Quote of the week !!!
Cue "happy ever after" music, 30 piece orchestra etc. So nice
... am starting to get fed up of people asking why we aren't engaged yet
Um, how about they keep their
interfering unhelpful opinions to themselves and butt out of your life.
Maybe they can get engaged to him instead of you, if they feel that strongly about it....
<mutters, hoiks up size 34A bosom>
An ex DP had a'money owed' list for me. He was a controlling knob and despite squandering 6 precious years on this dickhead I eventually dumped him and a year later found the love of my life who 10 years on is still as splendid as the day I met him. Dump him and free yourself up for better!
Being cherished and adored and treated like an equal is not 'bland and uninteresting' - stop telling yourself that it is. You're looking for pie in the sky reasons as to why your relationship is ok. His disrespect and lack of care is not sparky or vibrant. Fiery is generally relationship speak for 'speaks to me like shit'.
He wants you as chief coat and drinks holder at your expense ! Those places are horrendous if you are not a participant . I would also ask about your `lovely` Times - are they easy times for him because everything is on his terms? How about you ask him to spend the equivalent money and time doing something just you like?
Thank you MadameBigToes. I don't really want to speak to her about it as it might get back to him and from previous chats to her I know she was pretty miserable as he was a total workaholic back then. She is less driven than I am so I expect she felt quite downtrodden. That's the problem isn't it; to find someone sparky and vibrant you often get bad bits associated to that type of character. I don't think I could live with a doormat type myself though and would rather have a 'fiery' relationship (within reason!) than a bland and uninteresting one!
Why not have a chat in confidence with his ex about their marriage/what advice she would give you? Ask her to be honest with you, she sounds nice.
But you also need to consider if you have the emotional strength for a longer-term, committed relationship that also looks as if it could involve a lot of controlling behaviour/EA and possibly financial abuse - and which, since you obviously do have self-respect, you might want to leave eventually anyway.
If he's this controlling now, what might it be like when he's got you more involved and has more power over you?
I don't doubt he's lovely and you have fun sometimes. Controlling, self-centred people are often like that, or they wouldn't draw anyone in. If these types were out-and-out vile from the start no one would ever get themselves into a sticky situation with them.
Not looking/sounding good is it... I am very wary of combining forces money wise. Particularly after the last debacle with ex over my house. Marriage isn't the be all and end all to me but having said that I do want stability and to know where I am a bit more long term and am starting to get fed up of people asking why we aren't engaged yet. His 'saying it like it is' and 'if you just's' is starting to get on my wick. Clearly I have some big decisions to make in the next few months. Not quite sure I have the emotional strength to go through it all again though.
If I were you I would:
- sell your house
- pay him any back rent / anything else you owe him, so you're quits
- buy or rent a small flat for you, with space you can use for business, or another solution (eg rent space, get a place with a garden where you can out a big shed, get a place with a garage)
- leave him, or if you want to stay with him, insist on respect and equal terms and don't go any further until you get it.
Someone who works, you work, yet they expect you do do the "womanly" housework because you are a woman, is not a good option for a future and that's aside from anything else you've mentioned.
Also MrsTP, while I see your point in reversing the roles, I don't think OP should be expected to go on a holiday that was planned before she came along, that will cost her money she doesn't have and that is a "family" holiday i.e. for related people. If I was a single parent with a new partner (i.e. not the father of my DC) I wouldn't drag him on a pre-planned family holiday unless he really wanted to.
Please please please don't merge your finances until after you're married. And I'd also be advising that you should think twice about marrying this man. He sounds like a sexist domineering twat, tbh.
But there's no accounting for tastes and we only read words on the Internet, so of course there may be a whole lot more to your relationship.
But whatever, please DON'T give up your financial independence. Legally, there is no such thing as a "common law marriage" and from what you've said here, it's highly likely that, in the event if a break up, you would find yourself royally screwed financially.
I can't bear to see it when women make themselves financially dependent without legal security.
OP if you do stay living with him, have you agreed how the joint house ownership & finances will be split, give it sounds like you will be contributing more equity. If it is say 60:40, will he expect you to pay 60% of the mortgage? Will he factor in the value of your housekeeping duties? It sounds like his ex's contribution wasn't valued at all.
He sounds such a tight wad it will be a good idea to get it clear and in writing beforehand. In fact I wouldn't buy a house with this character unless he had committed enough to marry you - then all contributions monetary and otherwise would be taken into account on any split.
I am an accountant and well remember two clients who weren't married but had set up a business together. She hadn't noticed that he owned 90%, and when they split that is what he kept, despite her 50% contribution to a very profitable business... He was also very keen on money.
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around his attitude. And what "womanly tasks" are. Certainly if he wants you to come on the vacation, he would pay your way and not bill you for it later.
Have you billed him for the "womanly" tasks and childcare you've been performing? And don't forget mileage for taking his kids to school. Perhaps you'd come out ahead on the vacation. ;)
I think he sounds horrid. I wouldn't marry him. How controlling and unloving he sounds. I certainly wouldn't pander to the holiday. His family is probably as self-absorbed as he is. Ignore it.
Lottie, they were very young when they met and she has never had a career as such. She is doing well enough now but he encouraged her to work rather than her giving anything up and paid for her car and various other things.
Good reply Mrs Pratchett; yes this is why I try to see it from both sides and realise my situation isn't great. The reason I have not been able to contribute to rent recently is because my part time hours were cut so this has affected my income. My new start up has had the inevitable costs involved with any new venture and it has been successful so far but I have had some teething issues with the manufacturing which has meant I lost money on some orders before Xmas. Like I say I don't think it will ever make me lots of money but it should hopefully continue to grow and make a reasonable income combined with PT work. My other original business has been difficult due to the trade I work in being pushed out by cheap online companies which is why I have looked to start something else working for myself to supplement it plus the PT job. That's not just me that's the current market I'm afraid; it's a dying trade. I will have plenty to bring to the table when I sell my house (more than DP has) which the plan was to combine forces so to speak. It's just a rough time at the moment and hence I do not want to owe money for a holiday that I've not been involved in planning etc. I know why he gets annoyed but it is a bit Catch 22 as all my money is tied up in my house and until he commits and we use our joint money to buy a more suitable house I can't do much. I am hoping my PT job hours will be increased again but I am self employed through them also so don't get holiday pay etc. I will be using some of my Xmas money to pay back the rent for past few months so will be a bit more on an even keel hopefully. I have looked and even applied for other PT jobs to supplement income even more but there is not a lot round here that doesn't involve weekends and evenings which isn't helpful for when we have the kids and I gave up a previous job involving weekends as he felt like we didn't see each other enough. Even full time work wages are very disproportionate to living/housing costs here so even if I gave up both my businesses and my PT job I would never match earning-wise what he does as his stuff is very specialised.
OK, I am never this poster but I have read your replies twice OP and I can't help think that if a woman wrote the following, she would be told she had a cocklodger...
"I have a BF who lives in my house, doesn't do a lot of housework, has a messy, dirty job that takes up lots of time and space but doesn't bring in enough money to pay for that space. He hasn't paid rent, which we agreed in advance, for months and wants us to get married but I'm unsure.
He is great with my kids and works hard but I'm concerned. He says he is committed to a family life but doesn't want to come on a family holiday. I would loan him the money but he doesn't want to have to pay me back. Plus he owes me all that rent as well. I just think he should either pay his way, contribute more to the household, or get a better job."
Having said that fuck 'womanly jobs'.
I get on with her well and their break up was not financially messy as she couldn't contribute anyway.
You mean that she's a nice woman and despite sacrificing her career to raise his babies she 'couldn't contribute' and when they split he gave her nothing?
The plan is that if we moved we would look for a place with suitable indoor or heated garden space for my work and better suited to having animals. My house should I go back to it just is impossible with the size and shape of equipment I have as the only suitable office space I have is upstairs and it is too heavy to get up there so whatever happens I need to sell up. I do feel the arguments over cleaning etc would improve significantly if these things could be factored in. I did the whole renting rooms out before we met and just got fed up of having other people in my house and dealing with dramas all the time. It just feels like a step backwards should we stay together but live separately iyswim
Hmmm. The money thing seems established with his ex too. She bore his children but it is described as 'he paid for her to go'. Of course he bloody should have done. He's not good at sharing is he. However, I do think it's very simplistic to say LTB as he clearly has some good qualities. Could you move back to your house, still keep on the relationship but not actually live together. That way, if he wants you, he has to do some running. Could you rent out a room in your house and then perhaps rent a workshop using that money. It does sound stressful running a messy sounding business from his home and pehaps if you removed yourself from this situation you could distance yourself from his stereotyping and just enjoy the good things without the hassle.
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