To hate being gay?(177 Posts)
I know this seems rather self indulgent and is probably a bit of a non issue but it's something I just can't get out of my head.
I am a lesbian and unfortunately can't change that, much as I would love to be straight.
I feel like I can't cope with the people who make comments in the street (not all the time, but on the odd occasion) and shout at me and DP that we are disgusting. I hate the way I have to correct people when they assume my DP is a man and they always pretend not to be shocked but sometimes you can tell they're thinking "oh my god, didn't have her down as a lesbian" .
I'm worried that my future children will be bullied and that other parents won't want to hang round with me and DP.
I guess I'm worried that homophobia is still around and I honestly wish I could be straight and just blend in. I hate myself even more for being so ashamed.
As for your parents being disappointed, my experience is that a parents are often a bit about whoever their DC chooses to hook up with - not earning enough, wrong race, wrong gender, doesn't get on with Dad, whatever - but it all evaporates once you produce a grandchild. Worked on my MIL, anyway (and I was the expected gender but a disappointment to her in oh so many ways....)
Could you connect with a bit more of a gay network? I play rugby and most of our team is gay or bi - I'm a minority straight! Our local football team is similar. We live in a pretty rural area and it's pretty mono-cultural otherwise!
I love my team - we are a really different bunch of people, but we are all each other's greatest advocates/supports. It gives a sense of security. None of us is, in ourselves, an entirely stable, confident person - issues with weight, jobs, family, all that stuff, but together we are stronger.
Perhaps you need an external support network to give you greater strength (like scaffolding?!) p
I'm sorry that you have to put up with arseholes in the street and people at work making ignorant comments.
I can't remember who said that if life was a video game the easiest setting would be straight white male. Everything else comes with additional difficulties. Give yourself a break. Wishing your life was simpler is no crime.
It wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to me if the parents of my DC's friends are gay. It wouldn't matter to my DC either.
I think people's attitudes change as they get to know you, as well, even people who are a little old-fashioned in their attitudes.
About twenty years ago, I got a phone call from my mum. "Ash, we've got new neighbours... and they're <whisper> lesbians."
Phone call a couple of months later. "Can't chat for long, Ash, I'm having coffee with Jenny from next door."
A year on. "Jenny from next door tells me they're having a baby. I just didn't know what to say."
A year on from that. "Can't chat, Ash, I'm babysitting for Jenny while she and Sue have an evening out."
And finally. "Dreadful news, Ash. Jenny and Sue are splitting up. Poor little James, what's he going to do without both his mummies in the house?"
I really hope that one day the culture of stupid will move aside and that we'll be able to focus more on things that affect our lives, rather than poking holes in people because of their sexuality. Although that said, it does seem to be my generation and older people that insist on retaining outdated views rather than younger people.
I am sorry that you have to tolerate so much negativity and so many stupid comments. I have two sets of gay friends who have children. The lesbian couple have three children, two of which have one of the couple as the biological mother, the third child's biological mother is the second female in the partnership (not very well explained, so I hope you understand what I mean). They've been together for almost 20 years, and initially received many negative comments, particularly from one of the women's direct family. Her late father never accepted the relationship, which I find sad.
The male couple are friends with a lesbian couple who wanted a child. One of them donated sperm. However, they've maintained contact and so their DS now has two mums that he lives with in the week, and two dads that he lives with at weekends. That boy gets a whole load of love from both.
As a parent, my sincere wish for my DD is to find someone she loves and who loves her. I don't care if they're fat, thin, black, white, gay or straight. I care that she's happy.
Like Rudolph, I do now challenge people that make stupid/bigoted/insensitive remarks. I see silence as giving them the impression that I agree with their idiocy.
Lesbophobia is alive and well in the UK - unfortunately.
It is different lesbian couples having babies. From experience with my parents, my mum's family disapproved of him, but grandchildren changed everything. With lesbian couples, the family of the one who does not give birth can see the resulting child as not part of their family.
I think you need to do 2 things OP.
1. Make sure you spend time building up lots of lesbian friendships. Het people may be supportive, but they don't truly know what it is like. Having real friends who do know, can make a massive difference.
2. Make sure you live somewhere more tolerant if you have any choice about it. Some places are much easier to be a lesbian than others.
3. When you have children, make sure you know other lesbian couples who also have children.
As someone who's out in most places nowadays, I think a large part of the happiness comes from not having to watch what you say. All the comments about "shoving it in people's faces" and "keep your private life private" are bollocks when it comes down to something as basic as chatting about family with neighbours ("oh, your husband's a teacher? So's my wife") or having a family photo on your desk at work. I now just take all that stuff for granted and it's much easier.
I agree that being closeted is very very stressful. Being somewhere where you can be open, makes things much much easier.
I think the really unfortunate thing about society is that those full of hate seem to shout louder than those that are supportive and accepting.
I would like to think in this day and age that most people are completely accepting of gay people and realise it's something that can't be changed, just as someone who is straight cannot "make" themselves gay!
I think it says a lot that songs like macklemoores Same love have made it to number one in the charts and stayed there for weeks. It's mostly the younger generation downloading the music and so on so I can only hope that as some of the prejudiced older people die out their voices will be replaced by the younger lot who seem to be much more clued up.
My dd is 11 and doesn't bat an eyelid if someone is gay. She really isn't interested, let alone bothered, and that's precisely the way it should be.
My friend posted this video turning homophobia on it's head. I love it, although it is heart wrenching. Well worth a watch.
The same day he posted it, another young friend posted a picture of two young men holding hands, having recently come out to their friends (but not family yet) and there were a lot of homophobic comments from young people on there but also a lot of supportive ones too. I was a bit shocked by the negative comments because in this town, it is generally seen as cool to be gay by the teens. One young man I know actually stood up in a school assembly and announced he was gay, to great applause.
I really wish we lived in a world where people didn't judge others on whether they are gay or straight.
My own DS was only 6 when he came to me and said 'They are saying I'm gay and I don't like it'. I said if he turned out to be gay it would be fine, but to call people gay in a nasty way is too mean'. He then carried on with 'BUT I'M NOT GAY'. Fair enough, but if he did, or my DD2 did turn out to be, I would be fine with it. After a bit of dallying, DD1 seems to have settled on prefering men.
One of my close friends only came out to his parents when he turned 30 because he was worried they'd be upset about not having grandchildren the 'normal' way. His parents weren't surprised and also weren't upset but he spent about 15 years frightened of how they might react.
There are homophobes out there OP but I hope that the majority of people in this country don't even think about it. Please don't worry about others' reactions. The minority who are dicks are just that.
Very true that nasty idiots shout louder. Shame that people with closed minds can't also have closed mouths.
A thread on here recently about a mother taking her child to see the Pastor who had suggested the child go on a course to 'straighten his thoughts' made me realise just what a battle it can be for some to be accepting of other's sexuality especially when it requires someone to challenge their own religion.
The UK is changing very fast in terms of acceptance. My dad can remember demonstrating at university to make homosexuality legal. By the time he left work it was illegal to discriminate against someone for their sexuality.
When I was at university (late 90s) there was a thriving LBG society (no T in those days) but it wasn't really discussed outside of the university. 3 years ago I had a summer student at work who had put being treasurer of his Uni LBGT society on his CV. He was completely confident that not only would his sexuality not count against him but that having a senior role in the society would be seen as a positive thing. (And I employed him over 9 other applicants so he was right!)
Shows like Torchwood are also great. The handsome male lead ends up not with the gorgeous female lead but with the quirky-but-still-fanciable male minor character.
However, the world is not yet perfect. 10 years from now things will be much easier. And 20 years from now easier still. You just have to keep going until then.
when talking to my son (15) and my brother (17) they both say that at school it is now totally fine to come out as gay.
What they don't 'like' is when teens pretend not to be of course that is not acceptable, but it is fantastic news that they don't have a problem within their peer group.
I want to reiterate that I don't think it is up to them to make these 'rules'...just that I'm glad things are changing.
When I left school ('88) you probably would have wanted to keep quiet.
I have a few gay relatives one, ( my Aunt (88)) recently lost her partner after 50+ years... I've been worried about her.
I hope you find peace to make your life happy. You deserve it.
I hope the looks and comments you recieve don't stop you being affectionate in public. I think seeing loving gay couples is the only way to get society to fully except it.
I know you didnt choose to be gay but there are many things/people/movements to be proud of. In the 80's being gay was still illegal in some areas of the uk now we we have laws to protect everyone's right to live as they are, gay adoption and equal (ish) marriage. I'm not saying its a done deal but its getting a lot better.
Openness may not completely disarm prejudice, but it’s a good place to start. - Jason Collins (gay American basketball player)
More quotes for little bit of gay pride here
I think attitudes are changing. My DD at 3 went through a phase of telling everyone that she was going to marry Mummy. She loves me so why not? She saw nothing wrong at all with 2 women getting married which is of course the case. Daddy was a bit upset at not being chosen though
Don't wish for change just to make other people happy Op. The only person you should live your life for is you
I also agree that the younger generation are refreshing with more open attitudes and I was shocked by my MIL's reaction to my best friend who is gay, I think that this is a sign for a more positive future? Hang in there and try to love yourself.
Can you socialise more with gay and lesbian friends? As others have suggested how about a weekend away to Brighton/London/Manchester?
You should definitely visit Manchester's Gay Village as it's called whether you're gay or straight, it'a a fantastic unpretentious place.
This is good for the soul
In fact I reckon we should have a mn pride meet up
Over Christmas dinner my Dad mentioned someone who was "one of them" in a whisper. I said oh you mean gay, were allowed to say gay at this table and we all know what it is. He was like my DC are 9 to 3.
DPs best friend is gay and married to a man, we just told the DC some men love men, some men love women, some women love women. They just accepted it no questions as it should be.
I have my suspicions that one of my DC might be gay and the thought of her having to hide it or be ashamed makes me so sad.
Sorry you feel like you do OP just wanted to give you done support xx
Very sorry you're feeling so low, OP. Don't hate yourself, whatever else -homophobia is a real, lingering, horrible problem.
Was also wondering whether a move to somewhere a bit less homophobic would help? I have lots of lesbian friends in my native city in Ireland (not a big place, but long-established, well-resourced and disproportionately big and lively gay scene) and in London, and they report fewer stares, fewer nasty remarks in the street etc. More of them are having children as well, so advancing into whole new(ish) areas of life that were traditionally straight domains. Do try to develop as strong a network of lesbian friends as possible.
I do have hope for the future. Even in the very rural area I currently live in, my toddler has regular play dates with two children with two mothers/two fathers. As he grows up, he will never labour under the delusion that everyone's straight. And he will have attended two civil partnerships (not the same people as the play dates) before the age of two!
My very best wishes for the future. Stop blaming yourself for your feelings.
OP we have 2 sets of lesbian friends with children. They have lots of friends, are invited out as much as any straight couple and have very nice lives indeed.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.