To get upset by people's gender preferences for girls

(227 Posts)
roweeena Thu 02-Jan-14 04:34:53

So everyone seems to want girls. A couple I know we're very happy to find out they were having a girl 'as that's what they really wanted'. SIL has been congratulated in having girl and when she found out everyone was so excited.

Whereas I have two DS, DS2 is 12 weeks and I'm possibly a bit hormonal and over sensitive but people have actually asked me if I'm disappointed, when I'm going to try again for a girl and have told me that girls stay closer to their mums whereas boys you have to deal with DIL.

Why are boys seen as second rate and why do people seem to be disappointed I have two DS. I love them so much and can't wait to see what type of men they grow into.

I'm just getting annoyed with other people responses

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 04:46:41

Fatal flaw in your argument = everyone seems to want girls.

That's not true. For years, people only wanted boys. Heck, baby girls were/are abandoned at birth in China.

Those feelings haven't gone away.

Of course everyone congratulated your SIL on having a girl - but they'd have congratulated her on having a boy too. And so what one couple wanted a girl?

It doesn't mean your boys are lesser. For every couple that does want a girl, there is a couple that want a boy. Just do a search for all the threads on here - often about wanting to provide a male 'heir' for their husbands.

This post just sounds like you are insecure about have had 'only' boys, that YOU think they are lesser.

Annakin31 Thu 02-Jan-14 04:48:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Danann Thu 02-Jan-14 04:54:34

I think people mean are you disappointed that you have a 2nd boy rather than a boy and a girl not that girls are better. Does it matter what sex your baby is or what other people wanted their baby to be? you have a beautiful little 12 week old baby to fuss over and cuddle not that I miss having a little baby at all

Grizzlygrowler Thu 02-Jan-14 04:55:57

I desperately wanted a girl...so much so it was a major factor in me not finding out the sex as I didn't want to be disappointed.

My ds is now 7 months and as soon as he was born I couldn't remember wanting a girl, I was in love! I'm ok with the dil thing though. I'm setting him up so he's very needy and clingy. I whisper to him almost hourly that we're best friends wink

MummyBeerest Thu 02-Jan-14 05:07:52

Haha Growler. grin

I just don't get the whole "will you try for a boy/girl" thing when you have one or the other. That's not how biology works.

MsAspreyDiamonds Thu 02-Jan-14 05:27:56

There is a whole alternate culture where having a boy is the main event and yabu not to have acknowledged that. Women and baby girls are still being physically & emotionally abused for being female and in some cases killed. Please don't forget this, all babies should be cherished regardless of sex.

I don't/haven't seen it TBH.
I did want a girl and was thrilled when she had the appropriate bits. I assume I'd have reconciled myself to the fact that she had boy bits if that had been the case.
I just feel blessed that we had one, although I was dead chuffed she didn't have a winkle.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain Thu 02-Jan-14 05:42:23

I think if you had two girls you would get tge same comments, it's not one sex that is seen as tge ultimate goal, it's one of each.

For me personally I would have preferred two of tge same sex, ime siblings tend to be closer and the passing down is easier.

I was in a funny old place when I found out what sex my second was, And I was very disappointed. It really did come down to own experience of having a different sex sibling and wanting a better relationship for my dc. Tgat feeling hasn't lasted. It didn't even last as long as my depression which magnified those feelings. I have a funny feeling that if I had been told me second was tge same sex as my first I may still have had tge same issues.

MadIsTheNewNormal Thu 02-Jan-14 05:50:28

I think the OP means everyone in our culture seems to want girls. No good telling her about China. hmm

OP you are right, and it's annoying and unfair. Although most people just seem to think you got the booby prize if you don't manage to have at least one of each, but there is a definite preference for girls over boys. I have only boys, so been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

What annoys me even more than the rude and presumpuous comments of people I know, are the women who say they feel 'devastated' at only having boys and not having a girl, because only a girl can fulfil some wanky self-absorbed, narcissistic need in them about having a soul mate, lasting bonds and 'girlie chats' all that shit. hmm

JingleJemJem Thu 02-Jan-14 05:55:34

People who say that girls stay closer to you and with boys you have to deal with DILs are destined to become the subject of MIL threads on AIBU in future years!

I have one of each and find it vaguely irritating how people think that it's some sort of pinnacle of breeding and say 'ooh one each you lucky thing.' I am lucky of course but for having 2 lovely healthy children, regardless of their sex.

I think people say stuff like are you trying for a girl as small talk and don't mean any offence by it, but there is a bit of a cultural assumption in this country that mothers want girls. I think it's to do with all the blimmin pink unicorn princess shopping spa days we're all supposed to love so much.

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 05:56:02

Mad I told her about lots of culture.

I even told her about Mumsnet culture. Don't think I could get more our if I tried.

Still doesn't mean that everyone wants girls.

ApocalypseThen Thu 02-Jan-14 06:06:52

I'm pleased to hear that some culture prefers girls, frankly. I think it's a measure of how far women have come that we're not a disappointment to parents.

There's a perception, I think, that girls are easier to raise. Sweeter, harder working in school, more likely to submit to their chores, easier to discipline. I don't know whether that's the reality of parenting but I think it's out there.

BohemianGirl Thu 02-Jan-14 06:14:42

I have boys, simplistic creatures, much like puppies ; walk them, feed them, stroke them and remain yours for life grin Rather that than the hormonal ridden beasts my friends seem to house share with. I have the better end of the deal at the moment. But then, I have yet to acquire DILs.

roweeena Thu 02-Jan-14 06:17:11

Maybe I am insecure but I'm definitely not disappointed with my two boys and am horrified that you could think I think lesser of them - it is everyone else's assumption that I must be slightly disappointed.

I know this is slightly unreasonable but I also get a little bit protective and hurt for my boys - what is wrong with having a boy? Why are people so pleased/relived to be having a girl.

I know in other society and cultures boys are wanted more but here in the UK there seems a strong wish the other way. I don't think it is some great feminist outcome either as I think being able to dress them up in cute clothes, gender stereotypes are stronger now than ever before.

Rosencrantz Thu 02-Jan-14 06:21:36

Why are people so pleased/relived to be having a girl.

That's the thing... they're no more pleased and relieved than they would be had they had boys.

Which is why everyone is accusing you of insecurity about your children's genders... because it is only you that thinks this is true.

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 06:23:40

OP, YANBU to be a bit upset.

It's sad that people have preferences at all. They should be happy that they're having a healthy child blah blah blah. But people do have preferences and they can't help it.

When I was pregnant with DD1 I was just so happy to be pregnant that I didn't care what I was having. When I was pregnant with DD2 I had a secret longing for another girl. I couldn't help it. I had already had her name picked out since we'd been TTC and I wanted her to be just like her sister (she isn't). I was thrilled when I found out that she was a girl.

I've had the same though - "were you hoping for a boy the second time?" "Are you going to have another and try for a boy?"

I agree with a pp that most people think that one of each is the ultimate goal. "Ooh, you've one of each? How lovely!"

RobinSparkles Thu 02-Jan-14 06:27:33

And when you have girls people delight in telling you that boys are loving and girls are bitchy.

Boys love their mums!

steff13 Thu 02-Jan-14 06:33:05

I think here there is a bit of an expectation that people want at least one child of each sex. Perhaps that's why you're getting the response you are.

We have two boys, they are now ages 14 and 12, and I loved being a "boy mom." Boys are fun and awesome. Then, we had a bit of a surprise, and she is now 3 years old. smile But, if she had been another boy, I'm sure we would have been equally surprised/overwhelmed/thrilled as we were with her.

hopefulgum Thu 02-Jan-14 06:34:11

I remember the same sorts of comments when I had my second child, another boy. My relatives made a big deal out of the fact that I didn't have a "pigeon pair", and that my SIL's got it "right" when they managed to have a boy and girl (in that order), and it made me feel annoyed,and that they didn't value my sons.

I did want a daughter, but not as a replacement for my sons. I have wanted both sexes, and have had both, I wanted a big family and I have five children. Had they all been sons, I'd love them just as much, but imagine the comments I'd get!hmm

My MIL implied that I was having a third child because I wanted a daughter, not because my DH and I wanted another child. When my third was born a daughter, I was told I could"stop now". As if it was any of her business! I didn't stop, and PIL were dumbfounded. Why on earth did we have more children when we'd already had both sexes? It just made me so angry, but I've let it go now hmm

My sister has had 4 sons and I cannot tell you how many hurtful comments have been made to her. It is awful. People seem to think that boys will always be loud, naughty and active, but girls can be too. And not all girls are into pretty,girly pink things. My first daughter has never liked "girly" things and prefers to dress in pants and plain coloured clothing (and she's now 16).

Enjoy your sons, and don't let negative comments affect you.thanks

laughingeyes2013 Thu 02-Jan-14 07:00:27

You're right and reasonable, but not everyone shares that viewpoint. I wonder if it's just mums bitching I each other trying to gain oneupmanship? (i.e; my girls are nice than your boys - or vice versa).

People keep reminding me of that awful saying "a daughter is yours for all of her life, but a son is yours til he gains a wife".

I know in some cultures a son is more valued, but I agree in this country it seems a daughter is.

I was relieved to have two sons though. Having grown up in a large family and preferring to make dens and play 'boys games' with my closest brother, I'm in my comfort zone with boys and feel much more able to deal with boys than I would with girls. Especially as my female friend are adult and we have an adult relationship which is different than growing up entertaining each other! I'm quite relived not to have to go through all that hormonal bitching through school and beyond with a girl wink

There is a part of me that feels uneasy about the DIL thing though because often these 'old sayings' have an element of truth in them. I don't want to compete with another female like the saying implies.

I know it's right and proper for a couple to be their own family unit and sometimes girls can be pressurised away from parents and 'influenced' by their husbands, just as much as boys can be by their female partners.

An awful lot of people with boys tell me that their boys are still close to them as adults, and I know my brother takes our Mum out for coffee and breakfast regularly which is nice to see. And no, he's not tied to the apron strings!

I prefer to see it as having a 'person' and not a gender in my family. I hope my boys turn out like my brother in relation to how he is with Mum.

Sleepthief Thu 02-Jan-14 07:02:13

I don't want a girl and I'm on boy no.4 grin. Don't get me wrong, I would have been delighted whatever the gender, but I want my baby - who happens to be a boy - and not some random child of the opposite sex... My three (soon to be four) couldn't be more different from each other. And what other people want for their families has no bearing on me.

Of course, I've had the world and his wife asking if we were trying for a girl hmm, but given that we weren't trying at all, I just laugh that off. TBH I think people just feel a need to fill the silence with something... And if any closer to me express 'disappointment' that I'm having another boy, that's their problem fucking idiots

Anyway, YABU unreasonable for thinking that people generally prefer girls, but also for ignoring the fact that parents of girls get the same comments from passing randoms hmm

Lunaria Thu 02-Jan-14 07:04:55

I suspect that it's not so much gender preference in your situation, but people simply assuming that you'd want to experience both genders and what you are lacking is a girl.

In fact in general I know just as many if not more people wanting boys because they are "less demanding".

Plus, don't forget you are probably talking to mostly women who would prefer a girl to be a princess with.

I'm having a girl and yes, it was my preference if I was only ever able to have one child. In the scheme of things though, next time I'll be leaning towards a boy xx

lookatmycameltoe Thu 02-Jan-14 07:24:13

OP this always happens on MN when a poster dares suggest that girls may be the prized gender in RL.
Cue 100 regular posters coming out and saying that they have boys, love boys, have never heard anything so ridiculous, it's all in your head.

In my RL girls are most definitely the prized gender with lots (not all) people. I have a boy and 2 girls and and have seen this very clearly. I also have a friend who is an obstetrician who can't believe how many women become very distressed after finding out they are having a boy. She is childless herself and even asked me if it was 'that bad' having a boy?

BenNJerry Thu 02-Jan-14 07:24:53

I have seen gender preferences. I have heard people make comments like "Ooooh, we hope we're having a girl". I'm sure the feeling wouldn't last if they did have a boy, but I don't like hearing those sort of comments anyway.

I'm quite a "girlie girl" I suppose and thus EVERYONE was convinced that I would have a girl. When we got to the scan, there was DS's little winky. wink I had no preference anyway, but I was a bit surprised as everyone else had convinced me that it would be a girl!

Ds is nearly 8 months. We would like another child in the future. If it's a girl, great. If it's a boy, just as great. (We couldn't agree on a girl's name anyway) wink

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