No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

(371 Posts)
UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:20:39

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

- lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 31-Dec-13 17:52:45

Owl - Yes the people in the family that the bride has included (apart from a young child which lots of couples exclude) are the the ones she's close to. She hasn't met OP's DP even though the've been a couple quite a long time. They also don't live together yet so it may seem to the bride that this a more casual relationship than it in fact is.

I think ideally the bride would have extended a full invitation to OP's DP but she probably didn't on cost grounds and I think that isn't something worth kicking up a fuss about.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 17:54:04

I have known her for 14yrs because I employed her as our day Nanny for the older DCs for 5+ years She is Godmother to them and she holds a very dear place in my heart and life. The close friendship has continued ever since. We went on holiday in June, she was single, this has all happened very fast. I am genuinely delighted for her, she has waited a long time to someone special. I desperately don't want to upset the apple cart but she has been particularly insensitive.

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 17:55:59

Well if you don't yet live together then that could be it?

Sometimes a line has to be drawn somewhere.

CynicalandSmug Tue 31-Dec-13 17:56:45

Don't ruin a friendship over this, goodness most men (and female me) find weddings a bore. Natwebb has the right idea! Just try and make the best of it.

BrianTheMole Tue 31-Dec-13 17:58:28

I think its rude of her. Presumably its for saving money, but I wouldn't do that to a good friend, even if I hadn't met their dp.

littlewhitechristmasbag Tue 31-Dec-13 18:00:47

Have you actually had a formal invitation yet? If the wedding is in July it is a little early for invites to be out. Invite your friend and her husband-to-be to dinner with you and your DP then see what happens?

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 18:01:55

OwlinaTree that's the first thing that has made me smile all day. thank you

I was thinking of inviting her and her DP at a restaurant halfway between us during January so DP can meet then both, at our expense of course as I am instigating the invitation.

lilyaldrin Tue 31-Dec-13 18:01:56

Well from her POV, if she invites your boyfriend who she has never met, she might not be able to invite a friend or friend's partner that she has met.

Weddings don't happen very often, I think you would be very childish to refuse to go and withdraw your children because your boyfriend doesn't have an all-day invite.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 18:04:59

She's never met your partner and you don't live with him.

She is undoubtedly very limited on numbers and it probably came down to either she invited someone she'd never met (your boyfriend) or one of her actual friends.

Its not personal and you really need to calm down and stop getting your children so involved in it all.

If you don't want to go just decline but accept you will ruin your friendship over this.

Pipbin Tue 31-Dec-13 18:04:59

I know when my cousin got married I was invited to the full do but my boyfriend of the time was only invited to the evening. They decided for reasons of money and numbers that only married couples would come as a pair. We both travelled about 2 hours for this and stayed in a hotel. He just sat in the bar until the evening do.

Could this be the same thing? It does seem odd though that you are close enough for her to have your DD as a bridesmaid but hasn't met your DP. May be she doesn't realise how good your relationship is.

Also, it is lovely that your DCs are so welcoming to your new P that they are upset by this.

hoobypickypicky Tue 31-Dec-13 18:05:13

The people who know the bride and who are close to her are invited for the serious part of the day. Your older children are to take a big part in that. Your adult partner, who has never even met the couple, is invited for the jolly bit in the evening. What's wrong with that? Is he not able to entertain himself in the local area for a few hours? He doesn't have to "sit around all day alone" unless he wants to play the martyr.

You mention that your youngest child is not invited and that he's adopted. It almost seems that you're looking for more reasons to get us all annoyed with the couple and to back up your belief that your partner should be invited to their event, reasons for us all to say 'that's dreadful!', which of course it would be if the lack of invitation for your son was because he's adopted, but it isn't is it? He's not being singled out.

YABU. The bride and groom may invite who they please. They're the hosts, it's their wedding, not anyone else's, they're paying. It's not on to question them, either just accept or decline.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Tue 31-Dec-13 18:05:48

Everyone needs to be as generous as they can be to solve this one fsmile

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 18:08:56

hooby she explained he's not invited because children are not invited, she didn't make out that it was personal to her.

pandarific Tue 31-Dec-13 18:09:24

I think you're being U here too. Weddings are expensive with the most expensive bit being the sit down meal part. She hasn't met him yet, you're not yet living together... she's being normal to just invite him to the evening part.

Not personal, don't stress about it!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 31-Dec-13 18:09:44

She's a friend of 14 years standing yet you don't feel you can cope at her wedding without your boyfriend?

diddl Tue 31-Dec-13 18:10:06

TBH, I don't think that there's anything wrong with a "non live in" being invited to just the evening do.

But when it's 1,5hrs away, then it's not always possible, is it?

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-Dec-13 18:11:58

The evening invite is just a courtesy, she probably doesn't even expect him to go.

OwlinaTree Tue 31-Dec-13 18:12:14

hooby I sorry of agree with the DP entertaining himself during the day, but they do need to travel to get there etc.

I think you need to chat to her op, maybe after the meal meet up?

Twitterqueen Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:07

I would be really pissed off too.

How about attending the wedding as planned (especially with bridesmaid complication)

but declining the reception afterwards, saying you want to spend the day with your partner and you - and he - will join the party in the evening?

A wedding is only around 45 mins after all - and in fact, your partner could attend that too, since church ceremonies are foc!

then you are at the special bit, and you can all celebrate as a new family later - together.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:19

If she knew what she was doing then I'd say she was insensitive and it was poor taste. I get that you haven'y been together long, however, neither has she and her df by the sounds of it. IF she truly was the friend you are to her she would see how devastating events have been for you and your dc and this man makes you all supported and happy.

Her wedding yes...poor taste definitely!

Joysmum Tue 31-Dec-13 18:16:26

I was going to say she was being unreasonable, then I saw your later post which says you don't even live together so now I've changed my mind. I don't think she's being unreasonable.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 31-Dec-13 18:19:33

You can invite people to evening only when they live locally, but not when they are a 1.5 hour drive away.

My personal feelings about weddings are that you either invite the whole family or none. And to include your eldest DCs so closely, but yet exclude your younger son entirely, shows an astounding level of self-absorption on the part of your friend.

CatsRule Tue 31-Dec-13 18:20:40

I also understand weddings are expensive but the emphasis you have out on how good friends you are makes me wonder if she feels the same otherwise she could have said to you it was a financial decision.

Twitterqueen's suggestion is good, you, without saying, are letting her know it isn't appropriate in your circumstances and also not letting her down re bridesmaid arrangements.

UnhappyWeddingGuest Tue 31-Dec-13 18:23:29

hoobypickypicky I honestly don't mind him DS2 age 6 being left out as it is a no children event. It is quite normal.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 31-Dec-13 18:25:04

Are you prepared to lose the friendship over this?

Options - just go with your children and let DP decide whether to go to the evening do or not.

- decline all of you going and be prepared for bad feeling.

- say you are disappointed that your DP has not been invited and if it is down to money you are happy to pay (if you are.)

- just ask her why DP isn't invited.

When I got married we invited both parts of a couple. One I had met neither, DH friend. Another I hadn't met him though my friend brought a friend as her partner didn't like weddings, I hadn't met the friend either. Another couple I invited both but she didn't show up, nor tell me, and I hadn't met her partner either. I just can't understand why she hasn't invited your partner too when she has asked the rest of the family, except the youngest. I can't understand that either but that is BTB.

We decided everyone was coming to the Church and the reception and the whole family was invited.

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