To think we have THREE children and it's not ok to exclude one just because they are not a blood relative?

(144 Posts)
GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 18:15:10

I have one DC from a previous relationship and two with my husband. All three have been treated as OUR children by the majority of the family.

However, one couple on H's side wouldn't ever buy birthday or Christmas gifts for our eldest. When they had DC of their own (3 years ago) they started buying for him.

However, h and I separated 4 months ago but still on good terms. This Christmas all his family bought for our three children with the exception of this couple. They did buy for my H's biological DC though.

AIBU to think this is disgusting? Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child. To put into context, H has been in eldest's life since age two and he does not see his biological father and receives no gifts or maintenance from him. My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 19:22:52

I suspect she would still be treating him like this even with an adoption going ahead.

Time to make your ex cough up maintenance. He clearly doesn't want his son to have another father so he needs to be it and pay.

tombakerscarf Fri 27-Dec-13 19:30:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hertsmum10 Fri 27-Dec-13 19:31:36

I think this awful, who wants a gift from them anyway. I bet those many years ago your son, a child accepted them as part of his family without any of this pettiness, trust a child to do what two petty adults can't.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 27-Dec-13 19:35:20

I dont think she should have to buy either, the child is no relation to her whereas the others are by marriage. She shouldnt be made to buy more gifts simply because your eldest doesnt see his father to get gifts from that side.

Presumably if he did you would be telling him and his family that they could not buy unless they bought for all three?

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:35:21

I was always a bit hmm about them not buying for DS before they had their own, particularly as they spoiled my DN's on my H's side right from the word go. But I put it down to them being a bit clueless.

This I think just sends a message loud and clear: you are no longer family. Which is what makes me most angry.

There is a CSA case against my ex but he manages to wiggle out if paying every time. I've long since given up on that.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:39:29

If he was adopted by my husband, so legally his son, would that change things?

She's not actually married to BIL so by rights she's nothing to do with any of them. The rest if the family manage it. He calls them all auntie and uncle and gets on extremely well with his 'cousins'.

And yes, my ex once bought my son a load of Christmas presents years ago and my H hit the roof. He said it wasn't fair on our DD and I totally got that. But he seems to think this is ok? Like I said, they don't have to give anything, but to purposefully exclude one child like this is disgraceful IMO. They could just buy for none of them. Problem solved.

TheCraicDealer Fri 27-Dec-13 19:41:31

I'd put the gifts in a tesco bag and hand them back at the party and explain why. If she blows a gasket who gives a shiny shite? You've split up, your ex can just say, "nothing to do with me, take it up with GoodNews".

Then when you have it out and she inevitably falls out with you you'll never have to see her again. Hurrah!

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:44:18

In my head I would do just that and ask her if she can count past two. But the gifts are at H's house and he wouldn't allow me to.

This is the merest tip of a very large iceberg. She a total cow bag and he's not much better by virtue if the fact that he never says a bloody word to her.

BohemianGirl Fri 27-Dec-13 19:45:26

Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child.

Your exH has to take ownership of this. Don't deflect onto other people. It is upto your ExH to state this child is equal to a bio one.

My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

Great, but what about the bio Dad? Bio dad is very shoddy in his responsibilities

TheCraicDealer Fri 27-Dec-13 19:47:52

Well, if having an almighty (but satisfying) row is impossible, how about donating the gifts to a local shelter or charity? Of course, this could be awkward if Satan's mistress asks the DC how they liked their presents.

Elliemayclampett Fri 27-Dec-13 19:48:44

Give the gifts for the other DCs back. Or phone and say that a gift seems to have been left behind... I was in a similar position once and did phone to say " X has left his gift from you behind.." All hell broke loose when MIL discovered that one child had been excluded.

I don't know how anyone could give presents to two children and ignore one. Mean and nasty.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:49:05

Oh, I definitely see this as H's responsibility to sort out. In all honesty, I'm extremely disappointed that he didn't say something to them at the time. But as I say, he's really ineffectual when it comes to dealing with his family. He's always so worried about upsetting them - never cared when they were upsetting his wife and DC though hmm.

There is a CSA order against my ex. He's self employed and has managed to pay about £200 total in 12 years (which goes into the family pot all children being equal).

DizzyZebra Fri 27-Dec-13 19:52:34

Yanbu.

OHs family did this last year after previously buying for dd. They didn't even write her name on a fucking card all because i used one unpolitically correct term (despite them being racist as hell) which i have never done ever, in thebheat of the moment.

I cried. I don't even care about Christmas. It was the blatant exclusion of her because they don't like me that got me, especially as theyd previously bought for her.

I considered doing it back. I earned the money at that point and i considered refusing to buy his nieces anything on the basis that theyre not my family any more than lily is apparently theirs.

But i didn't. I ignored them because in better than someone who has to pick on a child.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:53:03

If my husband would let me give the gifts back, or even let me have them, there is no way I'd be allowing my exSIL and BIL to get away with this. H will never go for it though.

The party is at a playgym. I can just imagine what would happen if I argued with her there grin. Having said that, I'm a bit wary of BIL because I've seen him punch people for upsetting SIL even where she was the instigator. He once punched the mother of a woman he was having an affair with because SIL was acting like a fish wife and screeching at her to tell her daughter to stay away hmm. I'm so glad my DC are related to these people hmm.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:55:42

Dizzy, you've hit the nail on the head there. It's the blatant exclusion and I just know this is an attempt to get at me because SIL hates me. I'm sorry you've had to deal with such arseholes too sad. But well done for being the bigger person. I feel like I'm past that now. I've made so many allowances to keep the peace for the sake of 'family' but I don't see why I should anymore.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 19:56:34

Forgot to say, no Christmas card either. It's like he doesn't exist.

DizzyZebra Fri 27-Dec-13 19:59:08

And to the pp who said its not possible to buy for all etc, ours is not a large family. At the time there was ohs two nieces, my dd and our ds.

I would have been happy if theyd bought her a pound shop toy, or at least written her name on the card. It was the blatant exclusion.

I don't expect them to be as emotionally invested in her. Just not to exclude her. They buy far more for our sons than her (they bought for her this year again) and in ok with that. I'm just not ok with them using her to send the message that they don't like me.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 20:02:57

Time to make a choice.

The family and "SIL" or none of them.

Family isn't all that, you know. No family is better than one that treats another member like shit.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 20:03:16

Neither is ours Dizzy. They have two, my other SIL has two and then there's our three. They buy for all their friends children though. It's not like there's loads of step children to buy for - just my son. In the past they've put a fiver in a card. DS was more than happy with that and I was just pleased he was being acknowledged. They could have bought cheaper presents and included my son without spending a penny more than they did. But like you say, it's to send a clear message.

DizzyZebra Fri 27-Dec-13 20:04:12

To be honest grinch, and i would never say this publicly where oh might see it, But i suspect they only did this year because either his dad had words (it was his mum with the grudge) or his mum didn't want to risk me telling her to fuck right off because ive just had ds2 and she knows if she doesn't come and see me she doesn't see him (i bf exclusively). Whereas when she did it first time ds1 was old enough that OH could just take him out with them so she didn't have that worry.

I know OHs mum well enough to know what really pisses her off though - She hates the fact that i apologised for the unacceptable thing i did say, and she hates that ive never said she isn't welcome, because she cant pretend that im the one causing problems then.

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 20:06:50

No family is better than one that treats another member like shit.

So true Toffee. I've been rehashing this argument with H for years but nothing changes. My family have been very good to my H even after we had separated, my DM invited him to all our family Christmas celebrations. I continue to be perplexed at how much power this woman has within their family. I just don't get it. They all dislike her, she's upset every one of them over the years but nobody wants to pull her up on it and so she knows she can get away with it.

Chocovore Fri 27-Dec-13 20:12:01

Just out of interest, do you still buy birthday and Xmas gifts for their DCs now you are separated?

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 20:14:40

I didn't this year because he spotted something he wanted to give. I bought for our mutual friends' DC though and we agreed to split the cost 50/50 this year so I will in effect be paying half for their presents even though I didn't choose them.

Every other year I have chosen the gifts though and paid 50% for them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 20:16:20

Time some one did pull her up on it then!

GoodNewsGrinch Fri 27-Dec-13 20:16:55

Re birthday presents: we've always just bought for our own family. So I buy the birthday gifts for my 6 nieces and nephews, he buys for his 4 although I usually choose the gifts. We've always done this since we got together.

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