to ask for a some internet strangers to give me a couple of minutes of their time (longish)

(56 Posts)

because I feel so alone? I am sat in my PJs knocking back cups of tea whilst silently sobbing to myself whilst my husband sits at the dining room table looking for places he can rent.

We have has an almighty row that has been brewing since Christmas morning, when I realised that after 18yrs together he still doesn't know me. I received from him tickets to see War horse which I have wanted to see at the theatre since I read the book, whihch I am happy about but my DD had to tell him this is what I wanted as the repeated 'I would love to see that' wasn't a big enough hint for him.

I then also received a 4.6lb tin of shortbread because I like shortbread. I do but not that fecking much.

To top the presents off I was also offered the chance to have a hysterectomy done privately, a procedure that I do not need and I do not want, the reason was I had complained about the crimson bastard. As soon as he suggested it I politely refused and left the room before I decked him.

As a result of this he spent the rest of Christmas ignoring me because he felt guilty, so I spent Christmas day on the sofa watching the DCs play with their toys whilst he did everything to avoid being in contact with me. The only time he came near was when we was eating and when Dr Who came on. That evening he climbed into bed next to me, grunted night at me then fell asleep, no kiss or cuddle.

I have tried explaining to him that the presents are not the issue, its the lack of thought that has gone into them and that even though my hobbies and interests are on full display to anyone that walks into my home, he still insists that he has no idea what to get me. I can't be more bloody obvious.

I don't think I deserve to be ignored because he feels guilty, I don't think that I deserve such a lack of thought in gift buying (BTW he didn't used to be like this).

I am so confused, looking back on what I have written and I'm thinking Don't be so bloody stupid Binky, get a grip. But then I think hang on a minute how many times has he done something that he hasn't thought through properly and pushed your tolerance levels to the limit.

I honestly don't know which way is up at the moment.

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:17:18

Sorry I really don't understand. How can tickets to a show you want to see and a large quantity of something you like to eat be wrong or selfish? What WOULD you prefer? I apologise if I am missing the point - and as for the hysterectomy. Well, he is aware you are suffering and therefore suggests a way for your suffering to end. Again, isn't that a kind and generous thing, even if a little clumsy a thought. He actually sounds lovely.

But again, I know it is more so I wish you well in being able to get to the real problems and solve them. Good luck xx

RedToothBrush Fri 27-Dec-13 13:17:21

It sounds like he's TRYING just failing. So think how that might feel to him.

There is a big difference between no effort and just being shit.

It doesn't mean he doesn't know you. There is more to knowing someone than knowing what to buy them.

I have had blazing rows with my DH over presents before, but its him thats in your shoes. Part of it, is because he has everything he wants or is so specific about what he wants that he pretty much has to tell me at great length so I get exactly the right thing. The other part is to do with his past and how his parents treated him, that left him feeling unloved and very insecure.

He equated presents with love and thats the problem.

I think you need to think about how rejected your DH might be feeling right now. In his eyes, he feels he's tried but its still not good enough for you. I'm not entirely surprised he's looking for somewhere else because the message you've given him, isn't one that says 'I love you' either.

TBH I do think there is more to this story to whats posted above but without knowing it I think its impossible for anyone else to know the full picture. I think perhaps you need to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about whether there is more to this than just presents.

Yes , I love him, and I know he loves me. He does in general treat us all well. The 2 day sulk was him.

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:21:16

Do you think perhaps he felt a little upset that he had bought you something he knew you wanted, and you did not appear as happy about it as he thought you would? I think my husband would sulk for 2 days (or a lot more) if he felt his efforts were unappreciated? Just a thought.

Hope you work it all out, and if you love each other then it seems as if you will xx

MusicalEndorphins Fri 27-Dec-13 13:22:19

Ask yourself this...do his faults out weigh his good points? He sounds normal to me, not all men (or women) are/stay romantic or imaginative. I also wonder, based on your 18 year marriage, and mention of period pain, are suffering hormonal changes. I was overly wrought about things (like paint colour choices) a few times in my early 40's...you may be too young for that, but thought I'd mention it.

Okay, I've had a cry, drunk too much tea and now decided that I am a stubborn stroppy cow at the moment that has just got to the limit and I need to go and sit down with him and talk.

The problem is we are both as stubborn as each other. Fingers crossed that this doesn't develop into a row.

Thanks everyone, each of you has helped me to see things a little clearer.

secretsofsanta Fri 27-Dec-13 13:29:23

Sorry but yabu. He bought you what you wanted. Some people are crap at presents. See countless posts where mnetters got nothing. Get a grip

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:30:14

Binky, you sound lovely too. Christmas is such an emotional time and never quite lives up to the hype. Good luck with your chat xx

olympicsrock Fri 27-Dec-13 13:35:46

At least you got a lovely present even if he needed a huge hint. Christmas is very stressful. He probably thought he was being really thoughtful. Sending you a hug

Good luck with the chat. Its not really about presents at all is it. Its about feeling connected as a couple. I sometimes have a bit of a rant at DH when I feel that he is taking me for granted. We've been together for nearly 17 years and sometimes you do get into a bit of a rut. Is there anything else going on e.g. work problems that might have lead to his behaviour changing?

foreverondiet Fri 27-Dec-13 13:40:49

Ok, we don't do Christmas (different religion) but my DH just can't buy me presents. Even big hints at birthdays go wrong unless I send him internet link of exact thing I want. He knows me very well just can't translate this into a present.

I just accept that whilst he is a generally thoughtful husband he just can't buy presents (for me or anyone else). He is just rubbish at presents. He bought you theatre tickets to a play you wanted to see, I don't see the problem.

So I think you are being a bit unreasonable really. Moving out as he is crap at present buying?! (and you got theatre tickets?). Get a grip of what is important in life. Impact to your kids if their father moves out as their mother has a strop as she only got theatre tickets for Christmas?

I am glad you have seen sense.

I am also glad that my husband and I have steered out of this minefield by stopping giving each other presents for Christmas.

MummySantaHoHoHo Fri 27-Dec-13 13:46:19

I was about to post my husband got me nothing, I am a bit pissed off tbh, as although we don't usually I had said I would like something this year.

But I decided not to make as a scene as generally he is a wonderful man and I get whatever I want in life that he can give me, it just doesn't come in the form of presents.

He is a "sulker" I guess, but when we were first together I bought him a toy turtle thats what he does, he retreats into himself, stemming back to a boarding school childhood.

The spending money you don't have is a little concerning, but only you know how much that matters to you x

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 14:01:41

I think offering a hysterectomy as a Christmas present out of a married couple's joint funds because of a complaint about periods is way out of line.

Way out of line.

This is a major operation, not to be undertaken lightly. And if the OP wants one, which she doesn't, why not on the NHS. And if she wants it done privately, then why does her husband get to allow it as a present from him?

Loopytiles Fri 27-Dec-13 14:09:10

Yes linerunner, he was definitely out of order over that!

Even if a bit dim about gynae issues, meant another procedure and/or was concerned about OP, v insensitive time / way to bring it up!

Anyway, a private hysterectomy would probably cost £8k?!

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 14:11:41

Internet stranger here,this has sweet fa to do with presents.ignore the gifts
You two have got a simmering malaise and that's why he's in huff and you're spilling it on mn
You need to get the hell off mn,he needs to stop being huffy,two adults you need to talk

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 14:26:16

Yes, you really do need to talk. Best when you have cool heads.

Come back and update us, hope it all goes well x

Holdthepage Fri 27-Dec-13 14:38:09

Letters to Santa sort out any misunderstanding over gifts, include helpful links to remove all doubts.

Some people are just hopeless at gift buying, but getting huffy over what you do receive is also unacceptable. I am sure you will be able to sort it out between you.

scottishmummy Fri 27-Dec-13 14:46:58

Tbh,update shouldn't be your priority,skip that and sort out the joint histrionics

Okay had a talk, we are both making mistakes in this marriage and both of us have to take responsibility for our parts, both of us accept this. This is something that we both know is not going to be fixed overnight and will need time and lots of talking to get through, there are other issues they are now in the open and together we will work through them. 18yrs is a long time to throw away on issues that can be resolved if we work together.

Thank you again all of you. flowers

Best of luck.

LineRunner Fri 27-Dec-13 15:01:20

Binky, well done. I hope you can both put into your relationship what you would wish to take out.

The hysterectomy really was a shit gift, though. fsmile

Marylou2 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:02:27

Sorry you've had such a terrible Christmas. If your DH is an otherwise decent husband and father I would go an give him a hug and pour him a glass of wine as life's really too short to argue over presents. My husband asked me if I fancied some Botox before Christmas as he said I keep mentioning it. I don't think men have the same filters as women.

applepieplease Fri 27-Dec-13 16:08:52

Being unhappy is always very hard. I hope you manage to find some happiness soon.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now