to ask for a some internet strangers to give me a couple of minutes of their time (longish)

(56 Posts)

because I feel so alone? I am sat in my PJs knocking back cups of tea whilst silently sobbing to myself whilst my husband sits at the dining room table looking for places he can rent.

We have has an almighty row that has been brewing since Christmas morning, when I realised that after 18yrs together he still doesn't know me. I received from him tickets to see War horse which I have wanted to see at the theatre since I read the book, whihch I am happy about but my DD had to tell him this is what I wanted as the repeated 'I would love to see that' wasn't a big enough hint for him.

I then also received a 4.6lb tin of shortbread because I like shortbread. I do but not that fecking much.

To top the presents off I was also offered the chance to have a hysterectomy done privately, a procedure that I do not need and I do not want, the reason was I had complained about the crimson bastard. As soon as he suggested it I politely refused and left the room before I decked him.

As a result of this he spent the rest of Christmas ignoring me because he felt guilty, so I spent Christmas day on the sofa watching the DCs play with their toys whilst he did everything to avoid being in contact with me. The only time he came near was when we was eating and when Dr Who came on. That evening he climbed into bed next to me, grunted night at me then fell asleep, no kiss or cuddle.

I have tried explaining to him that the presents are not the issue, its the lack of thought that has gone into them and that even though my hobbies and interests are on full display to anyone that walks into my home, he still insists that he has no idea what to get me. I can't be more bloody obvious.

I don't think I deserve to be ignored because he feels guilty, I don't think that I deserve such a lack of thought in gift buying (BTW he didn't used to be like this).

I am so confused, looking back on what I have written and I'm thinking Don't be so bloody stupid Binky, get a grip. But then I think hang on a minute how many times has he done something that he hasn't thought through properly and pushed your tolerance levels to the limit.

I honestly don't know which way is up at the moment.

TheMaw Fri 27-Dec-13 12:51:20

I really don't want this to sound harsh because I can tell you're very upset, but I think there must be more to it that what you've put in your OP. He got you a present you really wanted, an ill-advised one, and a very insensitive suggestion to a problem - but it doesn't seem to have been put in a cruel way. Christmas is a really hard time, is it possible that it's all got a bit overblown? I really hope you're OK, can you get out of the house and do something nice today?

clam Fri 27-Dec-13 12:53:58

Erm.... <takes deep breath>

I'm sorry you feel so bad, but....
You wanted to see War Horse. He got you tickets.
You are suffering with heavy periods. He has offered paying to possibly give you relief from it sooner.
You like shortbread. He got you some.

OK, so he's not woo-ed you with gift-wrapped hampers from Harrods, but maybe that's not his style. He maybe just lacks imagination.

SilverApples Fri 27-Dec-13 12:56:31

I'm very sorry that you are so upset and feel that he's not putting an effort into things, but has he always been like this?
My OH is very much like this, but it's part of him, he was like that when I met him and after 30 years, it's still something he finds tough. It's why we still make Christmas lists. smile
Do you really want it to end, for him to move out?
If living with him is harder than living without him, then separating is the solution.

MyMILisfromHELL Fri 27-Dec-13 12:57:07

Hysterectomy is the female version of castration. Do your dh not realise that?
Tbh, for the rest of it, I think you're being a tad bit over sensitive.
HTH

CallMeNancy Fri 27-Dec-13 12:57:46

Some men are crap at buying gifts. They still love you.

The easy solution is to take their credit card, with permission, and buy what you really want. Have it gift wrapped. Present them with the bill & a tag to sign. Open on Christmas day, look surprised and say thank you smile

The difficult option is to keep nagging & suggesting, & then get upset when they don't quite get it right, but have tried.

I go for plan a now. Far simpler.

BohemianGirl Fri 27-Dec-13 12:58:25

Well. It's not about Christmas is it? or War Horse, or shortbread or a hysterectomy? it's about this line I realised that after 18yrs together he still doesn't know me

Is your relationship really that far gone that you can get it back on track? Counselling?

ThePearShapedToad Fri 27-Dec-13 12:58:41

I agree op unless there's something else going on you haven't told us yet.... I think maybe all the Christmas stress has just got on top of you a bit

Your dd may have had to help your DH, but he did get you tickets to something you really wanted

The shortbread, again, maybe too much, but since when is that a bad thing to receive too much of something you like? At least he didn't buy you a biscuit type you hated??

And the medical op- seems like a male solution to a problem they would have no idea about.

Maybe go and have a chat with him, and start the day over. From what you've told us so far it certainly doesn't seem to warrant separate houses??

Its not the presents, I thanked him for them and when he realised the hysterectomy wasn't ideal, I tried (only once) to make light of it, he then told me to stop going on about it and then spent the rest of the day avoiding and ignoring me. Its the ignoring and avoiding for 2 days that has resulted in the row this morning, I got fed up of him not speaking to me although I have tried with him.

ThePearShapedToad Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:02

Maybe you're both just trying not to break first? One of you has got to swallow pride and go apologise, if only just to break the ice and start again

thanks

Take him a cup of tea, shoo dd in front of the tv for a bit and have a bit of 1 on 1 Christmas hug time with your DH

CallMeNancy Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:04

Perhaps he meant ablation rather than hysterectomy?
My OH wouldn't have a clue there was a difference. Perhaps he's been googling and got them a bit mixed up?

Not knowing you. That takes a bit more effort on both parts.

What did you get him? And how does he feel about them?

sweetmelissa Fri 27-Dec-13 13:01:08

Sorry, but your husband sounds very thoughtful to get you presents that you both wanted and liked. It's lovely that he took the trouble to do that when I bet many, many, many men just grab any old thing from the shelves on Christmas Eve. I don't usually ever say anything like this, but from what you have written above, you come across as very ungrateful and very unkind.

However, for you to be as unreasonable as it first appears, I am sure there must be 'something' else that is really the matter...because let's face it, being annoyed because your husband bought you presents that you liked, cannot surely be the real issue.

AugustaProdworthy Fri 27-Dec-13 13:02:48

Why is he looking at places to rent? It sounds like this has been brewing since before Christmas. Is he intending to move out to give you both some space for a while?

DameFanny Fri 27-Dec-13 13:02:58

If he wasn't always like this then I second the PP who suggested counselling. 18 years is a long time, and both of you will have changed - it sounds like you need to reconnect, but neither of you quite know how.

what did you get him for Christmas btw? How one-sided is the remoteness?

littlewhitechristmasbag Fri 27-Dec-13 13:05:34

I think you need to sit down and talk to your DH about the things which are on your mind. I know DH and i have gone through low periods where we were just set on different paths but we are committed to remaining together and recognise that sometimes you need to take stock and look at where you are going in the future.

Look at all the good things in your relationship along with the things you would both like to see change. If you can't agree on this then maybe it is time to go separate ways.

SilverApples Fri 27-Dec-13 13:07:33

My OH goes quiet and withdraws if he's done something wrong or foolish, especially if someone is annoyed or upset with him and he doesn't understand why.
He's not sulking, or avoiding me or anyone else. he literally doesn't know what to do next.

iloveeverton Fri 27-Dec-13 13:08:08

Hi

Hope you are feeling bit better now. I think the gifts he got you sound ok. I don't know many people who get huge surprises at Christmas. I bought my own gift and asos lost my parcel so no gift for me!

Can you go shops get little treat just for yourself? Or how about sorting babysitter and both going for a meal or drink and chat a bit?

Hope you get it sorted.

Spottybra Fri 27-Dec-13 13:08:43

Forget the presents , it boils down to this one question

Do you both want to be together?

If so someone has to make the first move. Counselling, dates, switching the bloody tv off and sharing a bote of wine over a board game and a chat.....

If you're happy to let him walk away then start talking access arrangements for dc.

This is obviously the straw that broke the camel's back. My DH would be similar, angry that he got it wrong when he thought it was right. I bought my presents and gave them to him to wrap up-that works for us.
Is he determined to go or is there any way you can talk it through? Do you want to talk it through?

Spottybra Fri 27-Dec-13 13:09:28

Bottle, not bote

Kevinsbowel Fri 27-Dec-13 13:09:48

Don't be insulted by the hysterectomy. If you come and play on our thread you will meet many of us who are so, so grateful to have sorted our bastard periods by chucking the whole damn thing in the nearest medical incinerator. Actually, for very serious problems such as big fibroids, it's a great solution. And I went private and it was quick and easy. Actually, it's quite a thoughtful thing to suggest. I wish my DH had come up with it.

(Strictly speaking, the female equivalent of castration is when you have your ovaries out, not a hysterectomy.)

I got him a car stereo and some new speakers, something he really wants, I have also for his birthday (which is soon) offered to buy him the other bits he needs for the system depending on how its going to be configured.

He hasn't always been like this, his presents were always well thought out, either something he knows that I really wanted but would never buy for myself, something that would make me laugh or something he just thought I would love. In the past couple of years though things have changed with him,he has become selfish in some things where he wasn't before, he is seriously grumpy and has lied about a few 'big' things like spending money when we haven't got it spare.

He's never been big on talking through thngs but he would try, now he would rather ignore it and hope that it will disappear in time.

I do think that we need to reconnect but I don't know how any more.

Loopytiles Fri 27-Dec-13 13:12:26

Do you love him? Does he love you, and treat you generally well?

The 2 day sulk/avoidance, was this him or you?

Topaz25 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:15:42

TBF he did get you the tickets you wanted (after a lot of hints) and you do like shortbread (although not that much.) He did try. I do think he shouldn't have suggested surgery as a Christmas gift though!

Christmas is a very stressful time with heightened expectations. Please don't make a permanent decision about your relationship based on Christmas stress but discuss the underlying issues when you are both calmer.

Beastofburden Fri 27-Dec-13 13:16:24

I think that's the thing, even your thread title sounds lonely flowers.

You know it's not the presents, lots of DHs need to be given clear, firm, kindly direction to get something even half acceptable. It's the lack of connection.

I think relationship counselling is a great idea. It could be really positive for you both.

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