to feel annoyed by a stranger telling me to have my dd 'checked out'

(74 Posts)
jinglemel Thu 26-Dec-13 16:16:26

At mils today there were some other guests - neighbours I think. One commented that my 20 month old dd nods and points a lot but doesn't talk much and I should consider having her checked out as she's far behind her dgd of similar age hmm

I admit it's got me wondering though. Dd clearly has no hearing issues, she can understand instructions with several steps involved. She can make her needs known (to us) but the only clear word other people can understand is mama. She has probably four more where I know what she means. AIBU to be annoyed by the strangers comment and am I being even more unreasonable to have let it concern me?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 26-Dec-13 16:18:53

Why are you annoyed if you think the person has apoint? confused

YANBU - unsolicited 'advice' of that type used to really tick me off.

My ds didn't talk until he was 3 btw, and he's now 14 and doing fine.

Shallistopnow Thu 26-Dec-13 16:21:15

YANBU. That person was very thoughtless and probably smug. My DD didn't talk til 2, up til then she was taking it all in & I knew she understood load. Yours will be fine. In 3 years time you'll wish she would shut the hell up! Also I think some children who are seen as good talkers are just repeating things parrot-fashion possibly not with very much understanding.

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 26-Dec-13 16:21:25

Because it's not some random persons place to say Youre

temporarilyjerry Thu 26-Dec-13 16:26:09

Einstein didn't speak till he was 4.

Tell her that.

jinglemel Thu 26-Dec-13 16:26:42

Because she saw her for twenty mins silly billy, hardly long enough to make a valid assessment.

Her understanding is great, probably above average actually and she's never frustrated. Just remember my other dd spoke lots more at this age.

Vivacia Thu 26-Dec-13 16:26:43

I think the other guest was talking out of place, but it seems odd to take offence if you think she's actually got a point.

Lilacroses Thu 26-Dec-13 16:27:05

Why do people say things like this??!!!! I remember people saying similar things to me about my Dd who was in fact incredibly talkative with people she knew but was just very shy in front of others. Another randomn person told me she was "quite behind" because she wasn't walking at 12 months. Bloody cheek! Yanbu at all for being annoyed.

jinglemel Thu 26-Dec-13 16:29:43

If I was overweight and someone told me I should see addietician they'd have a point, but they'd still be rude and I'd still be annoyed

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 26-Dec-13 16:46:49

She wasnt making an assessment, she was saying you should consider having one done.

And as i said if you think she has a point then why is it a problem?

'Strangers' can sometimes notice things that those in regular contact with a child dont, he more than likely was coming from a good place when she said it. Se wasnt criticising your parenting or saying your child was ugly! She was suggeting there might be something going on that needs a bit of professional help. And i speak a someone with a 4 year old who is having speech therapy despite the fact his understanding is great, his other milestones were all spot on targets, no other issue at all. I would not be in the slightest offended if a stranger suggested he should see someone because he should and if i wasnt doing something about it i should be.

SilverApples Thu 26-Dec-13 16:57:02

Is she your first child? Just that it's sometimes hard to spot a difference or an oddity without a point of reference.
You know that people often lament the collapse of the extended family, and the support and advice that was available? The neighbour probably thought she was being helpful as she was concerned by your DD's lack of language.

I can't believe she made a direct comparison with her own dgd though? It somehow negates her point as it seems to come less from concern and more about weird upmanship.

Don't let a complete stranger undermine your confidence in your DD's speech. 20 months is no where near an indicating age for speech delay-NT children develop at very different rates and if you know her understanding is there I wouldn't worry. In fact I'd give it another 2 years before ud get concerned.

bishboschone Thu 26-Dec-13 16:59:40

I would be annoyed too , my son is globally delayed but I don't need anyone to tell me this , how does she know you aren't in the middle of having tests ( some take months ) it was thoughtless and smug think to say.. I'm sure your dd is fine btw , I know plenty of 20
Month olds that don't talk yet !!

Sorry I was not clear-I have an LDD/SEND background so not just spouting crap!

insomnicat Thu 26-Dec-13 17:07:33

from what you describe at 20m your DD has nothing wrong with her speech development. Sounds about average for her age. Some get there faster than others as with all things. If by the time she is 2 & 1/4 and your'e not seeing any improvement then i'd speak to a qualified professional like a health visitor or sometimes childrens centres have speech therapists at stay & play sessions you can talk to without an appointment.

Ignore the silly womans unsolicited advice, unless shes a pediatrician or speech therapist she has no clue.

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies Thu 26-Dec-13 17:08:34

All children develop at different rates.
I'm sure DD wasn't particularly verbal at 20
months (certainly 'behind' some children we knew at that age) but now at almost three she is very advanced verbally per her kindergarten teacher.

Also interesting that the lady was referring to her grandchild - according to my mum and MIL, both of who were head mistresses of primary schools so should know better - DD is a child genius in all that she does...

I think the woman was rude. She was a stranger to you and if for some reason (professional knowledge for example) had real cause for concern should have expressed it in a more appropriate way - not at a party, and perhaps to your mum with whom she is friends.

SofiaAmes Thu 26-Dec-13 17:13:53

I was at a family gathering when ds was 2ish and my aunt (ok not total stranger) pointed out that ds appeared to be squinting when trying to look at things and suggested I have his eyesight checked. I thought his squinting was totally normal, but it got me thinking and I took him off to gp to have his eyes checked. We ended up at a specialist opthamologist and it turned out ds had astigmatism in both eyes and a muscle disorder in one. He was prescribed glasses immediately. It's not like there would have been permanent issues if we hadn't gotten the glasses so young, but it did make me aware of potential sight issues and when he had trouble learning to read a few years later, we were able to find the cause because he saw an optometrist regularly (issue was eye muscles).

Minnieisthechristmasmouse Thu 26-Dec-13 17:17:31

I struggle with just this. Except i know them since birth but still only say once every few weeks. I know three children who I feel based on seeing them grow up along side others are obviously different to the rest of the children at the same age. In every case I look for a sign from parents to see if it's noticed but don't see one openly. But I'd never start the conversation as how would I? I mean what sentence would help?!? I have no knowledge do I? Just guesswork. And I could be do far wrong as to cause damage not help. And why would I want inflict pain? It's really just nosiness isn't it? Not actual help or sympathy.

This all takes about 5secs of meeting up time in my head then we are chatting about life and it passes.but I do wonder briefly every time. No doubt there's nothing wrong and I'll be eating humble pie in later life. I do so very much hope so.

sunshinemmum Thu 26-Dec-13 17:18:01

These are the language milestones for an 18 to 24 month old www.talkingpoint.org.uk/ages-and-stages/18-24-months. there may be something or nothing of concern, I think it is up to the parent as to whether a child is assessed. DS had about 50 single words at age 2, but all nouns, no combining or verbs. At age 6 he was diagnosed with severe language disorder and later childhood autism. There are many other reasons including just late bloomers and some kids just catch up.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Thu 26-Dec-13 17:25:46

That comment? crap.
YABU

most of mine started talking late, DS5 at 27 month would say 5 words only.
the rest of the time he'd be pointing and let 2 adults and 4 brothers cater to all his needs by guessing what he wanted.
he didn't need to talk. lazy git!grin

then a few months later it's like you turned a tap on.
he is 3.5 now and wouldn't shut up!wink

and my DD is also 20 months and the same again.
she says "mmh" for yes, "dadn" for no/don't/I hate this and "meme" for mum.

you are probably able to guess quickly what she wants because you know her, observe her and can read any situation - that is why your DD doesn't need to make a effort using words!
same here.

but she has plenty of time to get on with it, and she will.

it might worth checking her hearing, otherwise just talk, read, sing to her and she'll get there in time!

(and ignore people like that smug bitchwink )

ZingChoirsOfAngels Thu 26-Dec-13 17:27:00

dear, I meant to say YANBU! sorry!

canyou Thu 26-Dec-13 17:47:29

I agree with Zing if her hearing and understanding are good, she may be like my youngest DC who has siblings to do and say everything for him, We are working on getting him talking and stopping the others from doing it for the lazy boy DC. We ask questions ie when we know he wants a drink DC do you want the blue or green cup, do you want water or juice, do you want ham or cheese. No open ended questions with a yes/ no ans and no pointing unless he is over tired and not able to concentrate

grumpyoldbat Thu 26-Dec-13 18:14:40

YANBU,my dd is 5months older than yours and she only says about 10-15 words. All of these she's started saying in the past month. I'd spoken to the health visitor as I was worried. She told me it was too early to be overly concerned and the main thing is she seemed to understand us.

DoItTooBabyJesus Thu 26-Dec-13 18:18:43

Oh, I know where you are coming from. My first son was born with a really flat head (apparently from where he had lain on my liver).

A stranger told me to get it checked out and get cranial osteopathy and I felt a bit ratty about it.

I got the cranial osteopathy though and was grateful in the end.

Hope your dd is simply developing at her own pace!

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