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AIBU?

My weight...again

57 replies

thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 10:48

My dm has always had a problem with my weight. I have always been a large girl now a size 20. My dm is and always has been obsessed with her weight. She criticises me because of it, watches and comments what I eat , what I wear. Had stated she thinks I should have a gastric band fitted.
When I was 7 she watched me do ballet and afterwards said I looked like a baby elephant. I never went back to ballet.
She has again 9am on Boxing Day started this whole conversation/ discussion saying she's worried about my health.

Am I being unreasonable ?
Typing this with tears streaming. Now feeling as usual a failure

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Flossyfloof · 26/12/2013 10:50

It is horrible and I am sure you are beautiful inside and out. If you are happy with your size and your health is not suffering then yanbu. There is a cruelty in what your Mum says but maybe she is trying to shock you into doing something about it?
Are you happy in yourself?

RoseRedder · 26/12/2013 10:54

You are not a failure

Your mother has failed you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/12/2013 10:54

'I'm worried about your health as if you don't shut up I might just mash your head in with this 'whatever is to hand'.

BohemianGirl · 26/12/2013 10:58

Have you ever taken the proverbial bull by the horns and come out with something like "You know, Mother, it was YOU who fed me, YOU who made me 'fat', YOU provided the food and didn't regulate my eating, so why do YOU keep projecting YOUR failings as a mother onto ME?"

That should stun her into silence for 10 seconds.

All that said, you aren't comfortable with your weight so if you want to do something about it, then you do it for you and on your terms, not because you are bullied into it.

thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 10:59

I am not in denial about my weight and know I need to lose some weight but am having a knee op soon so have recently put on more weight.
She has a serious problem with people's weight and appearance and says when she sees a large person she is disgusted. I wish my mother could just love me for who I am and stop trying to control every bit of my life

OP posts:

BlingBang · 26/12/2013 10:59

TBH, If I had a child that overweight I would be very sad and worried and would have felt it was my fault - but she obviously is not helping and making things worse.

Have you every really sat her down and explained calmly how she is making you feel and that you really need it to stop? If you are not happy about your weight then hope you can find a way to deal with it in the new year.

HairyGrotter · 26/12/2013 11:01

Tell her it's her fault, she projected on to you as an innocent child and now she has to deal with her part in it all.

Or just tell her to fuck off and suck some sour balls elsewhere.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/12/2013 11:02

My mum does this the minute I hit a size 14..I am 5 foot 8.

She browbeats me and talks about nothing else but weight from then on.

It's awful and does nothing to make me lose weight,in fact it probably makes me eat more

It is wrong for her to want you to lose weight so she doesn't have to worry.

Do it for yourself.

Just ignore her when she starts on.

pregnant woman standing on scales

Weight gain in pregnancy

Weight gain during pregnancy is one of life's certainties, but studies show that many women don't know how much weight they should be putting on – and could be putting themselves and their baby at risk

specialsubject · 26/12/2013 11:09

not much dear/darling about this.

gastric band suggestion is extremely insulting.

ask her to leave or leave her house if you are there.

size 20 is meaningless, we've no idea how tall you are or what you weigh.

if you are overweight, do something, but with childhood damage like this you will need help. She may have taught you nothing about healthy eating or exercise, and at the time it may not have been taught in school.

best bet is to get an honest opinion and then some medical help (that is information, not surgery!) about how to resolve a problem if there is one. Stay away from anyone who will make money out of your problem - diet books, weightwatchers etc.

good luck.

thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 11:10

After her reducing me to tears and making me feel like utter shit she has now asked if I am going to be in a mood for the rest of the day ? As she's fine with how things are.

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/12/2013 11:13

Say yes and tell her why maybe?

Sirzy · 26/12/2013 11:16

If she was concerned she would be helping and supporting you not criticising.

To be able to lose weight you need support from people around you not judgement.

If you want to lose weight then do it for you, try to ignore the negativity as much as you can. As someone who has suffered with knee problems since I was 13 losing weight has even the best thing I have ever done for it and it is now better than it has ever been before.

revivingsnowshower · 26/12/2013 11:28

Your mum treating you like this as a child is probably what has led you to have a bad relationship with food all your life. You have developed an eating disorder in the same way some girls who were treated that way might have become anorexic.
I think you need some help and support, firstly to develop you self esteem and assertiveness so you can deal with your mum effectively and feel good about yourself. Then maybe you do need to get to a healthy weight as it is important for health and you will need some support to do that in a positive healthy manner.

fatlazymummy · 26/12/2013 11:35

Tell her that your weight is no longer up for discussion. Every time she brings it up then instantly change the subject. Do not react. If she carries on then ignore her,leave the room, put the phone and generally do not enter into discussion with her about it.
Of course, this goes both ways. Do not tell her if or when you lose or gain weight, if you start a diet or fitness programme, or even mention anyone else's weight or size.

ApocalypseThen · 26/12/2013 11:50

So basically your mum thinks she can abuse and insult you and that's all fine, you just need to suck it up and hide the consequences from her by not being in a mood? To hell with that. No wonder you're an eater.

BlingBang · 26/12/2013 12:08

You really need to take control here and just not allow it, easier said than done as it sounds like you have confidence issues and would find it hard to stand up to her. You really don't have to allow this to happen, you can leave, ask her to leave, put the phone down etc.

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 12:49

Oh god. The supposedly well meaning discussions about weight. Christ I hate it. You were made to feel worthless as a child and conscious of your size so took refuge in something that doesn't judge - food. And I bet no matter how much you list at any point it wa wasn't good enough. Tieing self worth into weighr in children is awful. My dm did it to me too. I feel for you. The child hood damage takes ages of work to deal with.

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 12:50

Oh god. The supposedly well meaning discussions about weight. Christ I hate it. You were made to feel worthless as a child and conscious of your size so took refuge in something that doesn't judge - food. And I bet no matter how much you list at any point it wa wasn't good enough. Tieing self worth into weighr in children is awful. My dm did it to me too. I feel for you. The child hood damage takes ages of work to deal with.

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 12:50

Oh god. The supposedly well meaning discussions about weight. Christ I hate it. You were made to feel worthless as a child and conscious of your size so took refuge in something that doesn't judge - food. And I bet no matter how much you list at any point it wa wasn't good enough. Tieing self worth into weighr in children is awful. My dm did it to me too. I feel for you. The child hood damage takes ages of work to deal with.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 26/12/2013 12:58

You poor thing. I know exactly how you feel. I used to get it from my mother and grandmother. It was relentless and horrible. When I moved away my grandma used to send me cuttings of weightwatcher ads, and so on with patronising, cutting letters. When I visited, out came the barbed comments. I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth, only to cry alone afterwards. They did the "worried about my health" thing too - which makes it harder to tell them to fuck off.

However, last year it was once too much and after another "talking to" from my grandma I (totally calmly) said my weight was MY business, I refused to discuss this again, how incredibly rude I found it and if it happened again I wanted nothing more to do with her.

Since then, nothing. I'm a size 20/22 and one day I will change that, but for now I dress to flatter to my shape and wont tolerate any comments from anyone. Be kind to yourself, OP. It's very rude of them to hurt you like this.

SugarHut · 26/12/2013 13:16

Eat what you want. And if anybody tries to lecture you about your weight...eat them too.

My mantra over Christmas.

Carriemoo · 26/12/2013 13:20

I get this all the time. My dad is the worst though he has gone too far this year with his comments 'i'm going to help you lose weight. You will ring me everytime you want to eat something' I told him no its controlling and wouldnt do it. My mum pokes me every so often and tells me i need to do something about my stomach. But then in the next sentence says oh ive bought you some pastry for sausage rolls. My mum does have massive food issues and was bullimic at a young age.

I'm a size 24/26 and I know I need to lose some weight but I will do it in my own time. Don't let them get you down too much. We are all amazing no matter what we look like.

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MillyStar · 26/12/2013 14:41

I know exactly how you feel op. My mum told me I was obese last night and about half an hour ago she said I'm about 20 stone and I'll be sat with a cusion covering me when family come to visit tomorrow, I'm upstairs crying

I'm about 16st and a size 20 and I've been very unhappy about my weight all year, I've been fed up and in a runt and I'm determined to sort it out in 2014

She's moaning at me now for not taking my daughter out yet today but I don't exactly want to leave the house when I'm such a beast, fecking hate her sometimes

ImagineJL · 26/12/2013 14:54

Whilst I can see that these comments are very upsetting and unnecessarily cruel, I can understand the motivation behind them.

Many of my family are morbidly obese, and I have spent most of my life ensuring that I am not. My Mum however, has always been overweight, and I admit I have nagged her over the years. I've never made nasty cruel remarks, but I've pointed out the health benefits of having a healthy weight.

It really saddens me to think that her life, like that of my grandparents, will be shortened due to here obesity. It's not that I want to nag her or make her feel bad about how she looks, it's that I am genuinely very distressed about it. I don't want her to die. She has had several health problems in recent years which are all attributable to her weight.

She in turn nags me about working too hard, which she feels will shorten my life. And whilst I'm tired of hearing it, I know it's only because she loves me.

thoughtsbecomethings · 26/12/2013 15:02

Thank you for all your replies means a lot that I am not the only one who has to experience this abuse from a parent.

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