Visitor who brought nothing. Unreasonable or not?(89 Posts)
My ex SIL spends every Christmas with us along with lots of other family members. She is like a sister to me and I love her to bits so no issue with this.
Ex SIL has a new boyfriend this year. Has been with him around 9 mths and I have met him twice previously. He had his Christmas dinner with his family and he was then coming to mine to spend the evening and stay over to Boxing Day.
Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift so I bought him a pack of three local beers as I was aware he liked beer. He arrived with gifts for ex SIL and a small gift for her daughter. He also brought some beers for himself to drink. He brought nothing else.
I want to know of it is just me but I would never go to someone's home where I was going to stay over without at least a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.
Am I being unreasonable to think that he should have at least brought a token gift for the hosts? It is making me think badly of him and I don't want to think like this.
zeno I think that's just it tbh. I mean, if you were invited you either accepted or politely declined. You show up you say all the right thinks, offer to help, compliment host on house/garden/food/wine/ hair or whatever, you may even help wash up or clear the table fetch things etc.
When it's time to leave you , again, say gushing thank you for having mes , food was lovely, have a good evening/weekend, etc
You leave thinking you were polite helpful and made your appreciation and thanks known. And the whole time people are expecting guests to arrive with various gifts (and tbh at one point if I could have afforded a bottle of decent wine or fancy chocolates I would have been able to afford to eat at home and not needed the invitation to dinner). Or are wAiting for the mass thank you card/bouquet of flowers cycle to begin.
I don't understand all these conditions to accepting and thanking people. Surely the way you act, the assistance you offer , what you say etc is enough to show how grate ful you are and how much you enjoyed yourself,
pixiepotterI can't stand this thinking " we're a couple, we get can off with one only taking one bottle to the party" If OH and I go to a party/lunch/dinner/ whatever together we always bring something each for the host.
"I don't understand all these conditions to accepting and thanking people. Surely the way you act, the assistance you offer , what you say etc is enough to show how grate ful you are and how much you enjoyed yourself,"
I agree with that, if people aren't welcome because you enjoy having company and having a full house, then don't invite them.
My ex DP's family had ongoing parties, it was either turn up, with my own drink (I don't expect my drink paid for by others), or give him the ultimatum if not going, so picking me or his family.
I didn't want to be bullied into handing over gifts, I didn't want to get into present buying at all.
I think spending time with people and making sure that you are good company is more important.
Would you prefere your SIL not to come in future because you insist he has to buy you something to be happily allowed in your house?
If things get serious you may find that you have to accept there are going to be a lot of changes and things will be done differently than you would like.
I do take gifts for hosts, but at the same time I wouldn't expect one and neither does anyone I know.
"Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift"
That's your choice, though. Every year I asked my ex DP's family to not do gifts. I do not want to budget for anyone outside if my Mum, children and one sibling ( I did give to my DP's adult kids).
I think because he was coming after dinner, it was more like he was meeting up with his girlfriend who happened to be at your house, than being a 'proper guest' iyswim.
I don't think OP is saying he won't be welcome again, she was wondering if it was unusual to come empty handed.
In my experience, yes it is. I'd never do that and I'd never do that couply 2 headed monster thing of only taking 1 gift from both of us.
On the other hand OP giving gifts to everyone there sounds completely bonkers.
I explained earlier that everyone who was there got gifts as they are all family and i always buy them gifts. I bought him a gift as he was possibly coming christmas eve and i would give everyone who wakes up in my house on christmas day a gift. The gift to him was not an issue.
Also i wasn't feeding him. He had some nibbles and then breakfast this morning. He was very nice and he will be allowed back.
I totally agree with summergarden
Perhaps he contributed some money to your exSIL for the things she brought. When she handed over her stuff did she say this is from me or from me and boyfriends name. Maybe thats why he didnt feel the need to bring additional gifts
A token gift to a hostess who is providing food and accomodation is a must in my book. I would look unfavourably on anyone who couldn't be arsed with even a box of Matchmakers. Its not the amount, its the thought
No thought not return invite
I've said upthread a bit that the gifts and things ex SIL brought were most definitely from her and her alone. Her DD and her DD's partner also brought gifts for everyone plus contributed to the food and drink for the day.
I think my family and friends are all very abundantly generous and would never visit empty handed. DH and i are going to stay with friends tomorrow and i will take wine and flowers. It just seems unusual to me to go and stay over somewhere and not bring a small something for the hosts.
I always try to warn/tell people not to bring a gift, as I dislike the whole gift 'industry'. (I usually go to other people's houses without a gift.)
If people are offended by my lack of gifts, then they need not invite me again. (Simple.) I don't want to be invited just to get a gift. I hope my company is what is appreciated.
If you get a gift, and you like gifts, well that's nice for you. But no one should feel obliged to bring you a gift.
It's very rude to EXPECT a gift IMO.
I didn't expect to get a gift, i was more wondering why someone would think (or not think) to come without one as i just wouldn't consider it. I would never mention it to anyone in my family as they would think me daft for having even thought about this. I can see now that some people do and some don't.
I think if he was a polite and helpful guest then that was probably OK on this occasion. But next time.....
I always take something for my host but that's just me
I empathise a bit with the OP. My DB his wife and family came yesterday, he did bring a Xmas card for my children with a fiver in, brought nothing towards dinner, no offer to help, had dinner and left.
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