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Is life too short to have bad people in your life or is it too short to bear a grudge?

(68 Posts)
HuiledOlive Tue 24-Dec-13 12:30:25

A couple of people have really hurt me over this year so we've kind of left them out of our lives.

However Xmas seems to be the time to forgive and forget.

What to do?

Bonsoir Tue 24-Dec-13 12:32:02

The older I get the more assertive I am about not letting people I dislike into my life.

nkf Tue 24-Dec-13 12:34:49

I think it's best to avoid people who make you miserable. But I think you forgive and forget for your own sake. Hope you have a good Christmas.

DawnOfTheDee Tue 24-Dec-13 12:35:08

I don't see it as either or. There are people I have cut out of my life (and I feel I'm better for it) but I wouldn't say I bear a grudge against them.

juneybean Tue 24-Dec-13 12:38:51

There are people I've pulled away from this year, they just left me feeling unhappy when I was around them. Life is definitely too short.

treaclesoda Tue 24-Dec-13 12:41:30

bit of both I'd say. I would feel no guilt about putting distance between myself and someone who has hurt me, but grudges tend to hurt the person bearing them much more than the recipient, so it's always worth trying to move on from bearing a grudge too.

meditrina Tue 24-Dec-13 12:41:55

I find that people change (including me) and there is plenty of scope for the extent and nature of contact to ebb and flow.

Depends what the reasons are & how bad the people are.
Life is too short to bare a grudge for shallow reasons, but on the other side of the coin some people are just too toxic to be around or have in our lifes.

headinhands Tue 24-Dec-13 12:42:26

The way I see it I am sure there are people I have hurt, I'm sure there are people we have all hurt. I would be very sad to be cut out of the life of those people. That said, there has to be a cut off point where the hurts are damaging and continual and in that case I would cut them out but only after warnings and trying to get them to understand how they are hurting me.

Sirzy Tue 24-Dec-13 12:43:34

it depends on the person and what they have done. Generally I don't hold grudges but there is one relative that I refuse to ever have anything to do with because of his actions in the past - he had second and third, and fourth chances and blew them so no more.

rpitchfo Tue 24-Dec-13 12:44:58

I know we are culturally condition into accepting forgiveness as the ultimate virtue. But I just think it's necessary at all. If. You're happy move on. There's no need to forgive anything.

Re chances, there is one chance, there is second, but after a third i would say you have had chances enough.

daisychain01 Tue 24-Dec-13 12:49:41

been there, done that this year. It is tempting to use Christmas as the reason to "forgive and forget" but the problem/s that make us distance ourselves in the first place may still be there on Jan 2nd, won't they? Then it would go back to being business as normal again.

Maybe you can forgive them in your own mind/heart, so you can "let it go", but not necessarily allow them back in your life. Or else, use the festive season as an opportunity for reconciliation, if it gives you the "open door" you need to melt the ice, have a heart-to-heart and sort the matter out (whatever it is).

along the same lines as what pumpkin posted really smile

Farrowandbawlbauls Tue 24-Dec-13 12:52:48

I did the forgive and forget before just for them to take the piss again.

Life is too short for bad people in your life. I'm not doing it again.

Trills Tue 24-Dec-13 12:52:49

Both.

Life is too short to hold a grudge if it is something that you could let go of and move on from.

Live is too short to have people in your life who make you unhappy, where there is no prospect of that improving.

nkf Tue 24-Dec-13 12:55:55

Forgive and forget doesn't mean going back to where it was before. You can forgive and never see that person again. It's not a welcome mat so unkind people can trample over you. It's not reconciliation and giving someone another chance. IMO of course.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 24-Dec-13 12:56:55

It's the wrong question you are asking.

If you give these people space in your life, your grudge will grow. If you let them go, so will the grudge and you'll have lots of room for lovely, kind people instead.

Out of sight, out of mind.

HowAboutNo Tue 24-Dec-13 12:57:25

Cutting people out of your life doesn't have to mean holding a grudge. For me it means that they just were more trouble than they were worth, and that life will be better this way.

Meerka Tue 24-Dec-13 13:04:47

1) don't hold a grudge if you can both make it up between you. Specially if apology comes in there somewhere or if there's basic decency / goodwill.

2) If the same thing is going to happen again or if they're unpleasant, you can decide to not have contact and to move on. Just move on without bitterness. Let that go.

drbonnieblossman Tue 24-Dec-13 13:05:56

What Bonsoir said.

absolute forgiveness is a non-runner. when you have experienced upset with someone, that relationship never fully recovers, IMO.

LurcioLovesFrankie Tue 24-Dec-13 13:10:21

As said by others - both. Remove from life, then forget about! (Not sure about the forgiveness bit - the "not giving them headspace" bit seems more important).

I don't think cutting someone out is holding a grudge unless you hold into the anger too. You can cut people out of your life and forget about them.

OP, Christmas is a time for being with people you love. Forget people that hurt you.

Bumblequeen Tue 24-Dec-13 13:23:28

I forgive and walk away.

I agree that we all hurt someone at one stage in our lives. However, some cause deliberate hurt and will continue to do so if you keep them close.

I distanced myself from people who made me feel bad about myself. If I see them I will say hi but they will never be part of my life.

Lazysuzanne Tue 24-Dec-13 13:26:28

I don't bear grudges but if someone is doing me more harm than good I'll reduce contact and limit their influence until they are no longer able to have a detrimental effect.

Sometimes that means no contact at all, cutting contact for me is not a way of punishing someone it's a way of protecting myself over the long term

laughingeyes2013 Tue 24-Dec-13 13:34:12

I've learned that you can forgive but also continue to protect yourself from toxic people.

What you do is learn to view them/treat them as though they haven't ever committed the offence. But you act as cautiously as you would do if had only just met them and instinctively you knew they were likely to be that kind of toxic person that you'd choose to avoid having contact with.

Forgiveness is healthy. It doesn't mean laying yourself wide open for 'round two'!

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