Hearing IF my DP/DH and I split we'd be different...

(25 Posts)
LadyJx Tue 24-Dec-13 00:13:09

This is something that really grinds my nerves. Constantly hearing married/in a relationship men/women telling people who are separated/divorced how different they would do things?

That they would still remain best friends for their DC. I know some people do but why can ALOT of people not see that this isn't always the way it happens and that times can get really tough for couples who split. And that sometimes it's just not possible.

Just me that see's this all the time?

Theoldhag Tue 24-Dec-13 00:25:54

They are theorising from a different perspective, how can anyone truly say that they would stay friends? They do not understand that sometimes peoples behaviour can change drastically when split ups happen. I understand your feelings on this, yanbu.

LadyJx Tue 24-Dec-13 00:30:14

I do wonder if when they are picturing the theoretic separate lives they are not actually considering the theoretic split.

People do not always split because they have become more friends than husband and wife... They split because something or multiple things have happened in order to irretrievably break down a marriage/relationship.

Maybe this is why the rose tinted spectacles seem to be firmly in place?

MammaTJ Tue 24-Dec-13 00:34:00

YANBU!!

My ExH even said this as he left three weeks before Christmas. Exact words 'You are a lovely person, we will always be friends', that along with another line of bullshit 'There's noone else, I have just fallen out of love with you'.

Then the truth came out in a mobile phone bill and I challenged his lies. Suddenly I was the bitch from hell and I should 'Get over it', four weeks after he left. hmm

Writerwannabe83 Tue 24-Dec-13 00:39:34

My parents have been divorced for 25 years now and they still get on really well, they always have. They got divorced because my mom had an affair.

They buy each other birthday and Christmas presents every year, my mom still visits his parents and my dad still visits her parents. My dad is always invited round for Boxing Day dinner every year and brings his current partner with him whilst my mum is there with hers. Also, they have keys to each other's houses and whenever they go on holiday they always take care of the others pets for them smile

It's been like this for as long as I can remember, from when I was a very young child - a lot of people think it's strange smile

hoppinghare Tue 24-Dec-13 00:46:32

I think that is lovely writerwannabe and strangely romantic.

LadyJx Tue 24-Dec-13 00:59:42

Aw that's nice. I wish all separations were like that.

AnnabelleLee Tue 24-Dec-13 01:10:57

Constantly hearing people say that if they split up they'd be best friends? Really? I've never heard that, ever. And its not a conversation that comes up often, if it did I don't think many people at all would say that.

vole3 Tue 24-Dec-13 06:42:05

Just ask how many of their previous Ex's they're still good friends with?
Probably can count them on the fingers of one foot........

I am civil to my XH, for DS's sake, but realistically if DS was not about, I would have had nothing more to do with XH since finding out about OW. Why would I want to associate with someone who had betrayed my trust unless I absolutely had to?

Spermysextowel Tue 24-Dec-13 07:05:20

If we hadn't had children I probably wouldn't've kept in touch with my ex at all, but we did, I have & we get along quite well now. There were bad patches, mostly about money but I've put the worst days behind me. Sadly the boys (tho both were under 5 at the time) do still mention 'that time when the police had to come' but I don't think they've ever really understood why.

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 19:38:27

Constantly hearing people say that if they split up they'd be best friends? Really? I've never heard that, ever. And its not a conversation that comes up often, if it did I don't think many people at all would say that.

Yes, I've recently seen quite a few similar things said on this forum and have twice heard it in my every day life.

MeMySonAndI Thu 26-Dec-13 19:57:31

We were just like that, very amicable, good friends, even friendly towards iur respective new partners... Until we started the separation of assets.

We have not talked to each other in years, can't see that happening in the future either.

TheMaw Thu 26-Dec-13 20:05:34

I think it's more that people would like to think that they'd stay friends if they separated. The reality is totally different, I'm sure.

KingRollo Thu 26-Dec-13 20:13:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 26-Dec-13 20:24:51

I think Ladyjx has it - I can easily see me and dh negotiating money, access etc really well - probably because we negotiate our lives well now - what with being in love and everything.

What I can't imagine is whatever it is that happens to split us up. But presumably that would happen first before we split thus making the happy negotiations much harder.

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 20:30:32

It's not that I don't believe it's possible. I have seen it and it's great. But for alot of us it's just not reality and being told that XYZ "would do it differently" does really piss me off.

Anyway, hope you all had awesome Christmases :-D

Casmama Thu 26-Dec-13 20:34:32

I think it is the same as people talking about how they will raise their kids before they have them or any other situation people think they understand because they know the theory but have yet to experience.

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 20:43:13

I think it is the same as people talking about how they will raise their kids before they have them

I can't stand this either actually.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Thu 26-Dec-13 20:49:01

Sorry but I think it is weird. Why would you want to be friends with an ex? I think people should move on after a break up. I hear of separated parents who still do things together - even Christmas for example - and I find it really bizarre. Kids don't suffer for having a separate relationship with mum and dad. I always wonder what happens when a new partner comes along for either of them.

Mosschops30 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:59:12

Ooh i love kingrollo post
'i hate my cunt of an ex'. What an excellent statement grin

I agree though i was probably one of those smug twats but following my split exh seems to only have the kids when it doesnt interfere with his social plans

MidniteScribbler Thu 26-Dec-13 21:24:16

Can't people just accept that everyone is different and every relationship is different, and there are millions of reasons why some end? My ex and I are still friends. We didn't have an argument during our divorce, we walked away, had a conversation about what to do financially, and we still catch up on facebook and he rings for a chat every so often. We had no unpleasant reasons for breaking up, so why make an argument of it?

If you're unhappy with the relationship you have with your ex, then that's your problem, and not anyone else's. Don't expect others to live by your standards.

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 22:10:42

MidniteScribbler

I know some people do

It's not that I don't believe it's possible. I have seen it and it's great.

Sorry did you read what I actually wrote. I am well aware some people can. And I think you and your ex are apart of the lucky minority that managed to divorce without verbal combat.

It is only a point of view. Secondly I am very happy with my relationship with my ex husband. I don't see him and hopefully wont ever have to again, this makes me extremely happy.

Finally, I have at no point tried to make and argument of it, in fact the only person on this thread that has been even remotely argumentative is yourself. Don't expect others to live by your standards.?? Don't confuse your own standards with someone else's.

maddening Thu 26-Dec-13 22:14:56

I think this is a normal reaction - often after hearing about a tragic news event I find myself thinking about how I would - for example - get out of the house with my ds if it was on fire - people want to believe that they would escape unharmed - it wouldn't/ couldn't happen to me - unconscious escapism.

LadyJx Thu 26-Dec-13 22:16:06

I am also assuming that you are you ex husband did not have a child together is this correct?

scaevola Thu 26-Dec-13 22:26:14

It's exactly the same as someone pg with PFB looks at your (normal, erratic) toddlers and starts on about what their parenting styl will be like.

We all know the ideals. And we all do our best (or at least I hope so) in an imperfect world where everyone brings their own personality and eccentricities into it.

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