To have paid money for Dh's family not to stay with us over Christmas

(54 Posts)
Upcycled Mon 23-Dec-13 02:04:59

Dh, Dd and I live in a small 2 bedroom flat and PIL live in a small 2 bedroom house two hours driving away. Every year Dh's two siblings come over from Scotland too. We can't go spend Christmas with PIL since I work Christmas eve and Dh and I works on Boxing day and we don't drive so it is easier if they come here. Specially because Dh is the cook and he prefers to cook in our kitchen.

Anyway, this year I had the crazy idea to rent out my neighbours 2 bedroom flat for the two nights the family will sleep over (since she is away for the season) just so PIL, BIL and SIL could sleep in proper beds and have some privacy. Also an extra bathroom will be handy.

When I told them about the plans yesterday, MIL said: oh exactly the same thing you have to do when we all spent Christmas at SIL's in Scotland. I had to bite my tongue because in my head I wanted to say: No MIL, actually when we were invited to spend Christmas with SIL in Scotland we had to stay with baby Dd in a rough B&B (which had no one responsible to and we could't get new bed covers after Dd vomited), up a steep heel, sharing a bathroom and kitchen with strangers, putting our food in a communal fridge (yes we had to buy some food) and we paid ourselves for the privilege therefore getting in debt because we were skint at the time. Whereas you and FIL stayed in SIL's spare room, not having to climb up and down the hill with a baby under the snow

Now, I am not expecting they to pay me anything and won't ask but should I take it if they offer, (I think they won't)?

I guess that I am ranting because we all went to pantomime and lunch the other day and PIL wanted to go to lunch afterwards and picked Weatherspoon because FIL was going to pay for lunch. As PIL had organised the pantomime tickets, I thought it would be unfair for them to pay for lunch as well so I ordered and payed whit out expecting BIL and SIL to chip in which they didn't anyway...fine.

But now I see on FB that the four of them went to a posh very restaurant for dinner tonight and we were not included...nice.

Oh and they always plan something to do on Boxing day and never include us. And that is why now we just go to work and that is it.

Sorry looooong.

Just wanted to rant.

tinyturtletim Mon 23-Dec-13 06:07:09

Yanbu to find them accommodation.

Yabu to let them take the piss. Doing nothing solves nothing.

You send a email / text saying its all booked and could they please pay X amount towards it.

You also say, MIL please bring desserts for after dinner on Xmas day

SIL please bring some drinks for us all.

How will the shitty piss taking behaviour stop unless you make it stop?

The boxing day thing is a complete non issue, why would you be invited when your working?

tinyturtletim Mon 23-Dec-13 06:07:35

Re posh restaurant could it be because you have children?

NynaevesSister Mon 23-Dec-13 06:25:04

OP said they started working Boxing Day BECAUSE they were never invited.

As others have said, only you can stop them taking advantage.

Hey there BiL/SiL we can rent neighbours place for a really good price so you don't have to sleep on floor. It is X amount. Let us know to book. You can pay us when you get here.

In Weatherspoons, oh you paid for panto we will pay for yours. Why are you paying for SiL/BiL?

WeAreEternal Mon 23-Dec-13 06:28:34

If they only live an hour away I would have expected them to just drive to you on the day.

I remember your thread about the pantomime and lunch.

They all sound quite rude and ungrateful, but you need to stand up for yourself, I love the MN Classic 'did you mean that to sound so rude'

raisah Mon 23-Dec-13 06:46:45

Next time you you go out for lunch, say:
"Thanks for paying our share since we paid for your accommodation, this evens us out (sort of..)'

Ask the neighbour to bill your in laws directly & make sure that they clean up before they leave.

Or when ordering ask for your meal to be put on a separate bill so it is clear from the beginning that you are paying for your own.

Upcycled Mon 23-Dec-13 09:42:17

1- Dd is complete fine at being in any place, she behaves when needed.

2 - I am sick of being seen as the bad guy when I am just voicing my opinion about what I think is unfair and piss taking.

3 - I have had many rows with Dh in the past because I don't agree with a lot of thinks, but he gets hurt as it is his family.

4- Dh is a super generous and don't even notice things like this

5- The idea was for them to sleep over here and they didn't mind being uncomfortable, I had the last minute idea to rent out my neighbour's flat and didn't consult them, therefore I don't want to charge this time, maybe next.

They are nice people, and PIL are helpful always when we need.
I get on well with SIL and BIL and they are crazy about Dd.

Think I am probably being U. Christmas is a difficult time for me since my family is miles and miles away and I never get to spend with them since I decided to live in the UK.
Also I am Christian and they aren't. So I am always the only one focusing on the Christian aspect of Christmas while they just focus on gifits and food/drink.

BTW, they are supposed to provide all the drinks and we provide all the food.
There is usually so much food that they take some home with them...and left over drinks too, like for example, a bottle of wine with half a glass wine worth in it. This is the kind of thing that gets to me, I don't think I would ever do that. Definitely take some food but leave the last drop of wine for your host?

Upcycled Wed 25-Dec-13 14:30:16

So MIL asked the name of my neighbour as she wants to send a bunch of flowers to her.
I said: "don't worry, you don't need to send anything"
MIL: "but I want to, why not?
Me: "because I already sent her what she wanted"

clue: £100 (didn't specify that)

MiL was about to say something but shut up.
Then said:"but I want to send flowers anyway"...

She is usually so curious and asks loads of questions. i bet she sensed it was money I was talking about and pretended she did not understand.

Cabrinha Wed 25-Dec-13 15:26:42

I don't want to mean on Xmas Day...!
But FFS woman, just SAY what you mean with people, and stop doing stuff THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T ASK FOR if you're going to annoyed that they're not grateful.

You want to pay for your dinner after panto? Nice, and IMO the right thing to do. But it's not your business about SIL.

Your MIL wanted to make a nice gesture re the flowers... not inappropriate, even if you paid, I think staying in a private home at Xmas is the sort of thing I'd do flowers for too. Your MIL probably went quiet cos you were making a song and dance!

Your B&B experience was crap, but it sounds like a touch of the martyrs. A steep hill with a baby? It's a baby. Carry it. Or push it. How many times were you up and down the hill anyway? And they wouldn't have predicted a problem with vomit and bed sheets!

You said yourself they'd have been happy on the floor.

You simply can't arrange accommodation that no-one has asked for, secretly hoping they'll pay.

Try the reverse AIBU: my DIL booked a neighbour's house... She's lovely, it was a kind gesture, but we didn't ask for it or expect it, and now I think she's hinting we should pay, but I don't know how much, and we never wanted it anyway... AIBU to think she should have asked us first?

I think you're a kind person, but I think you decide the appropriate response from people when you do things, and that's not totally on.

Have another roast potato and chill!

Upcycled Wed 25-Dec-13 16:47:10

Sure the flowers should e sent to me since I paid £100 for their accommodation so they would have nice beds and privacy?

I never had any intention for them to pay for this, it was my idea and I decided whit out consulting them.

However, next year if they want to come again and if my neighbour agrees to do it again they will have to pay themselves. Otherwise they can't sleep over as I don't want to cramp my own house....well SIL didn't want either, and that was fine wasn't it?

CaptainTripps Wed 25-Dec-13 17:40:53

Oh dear. I'm with cabrinha.

You simply need to say what you mean and stop expecting them to second guess you.

It was your idea to rent your neighbours' place. You cannot and should not expect money for it unless this was discussed and agreed upon beforehand. Clearly it was not.

What's all this byplay with the flowers? It seems the right (and a normal) thing for your mil to do. Stop with the imaginary clues and tell them what you mean.

Sorry love - you sound like very hard work!

Upcycled Wed 25-Dec-13 17:58:43

I already said I don't expect them to pay
and sure I deserve some flowers too?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 25-Dec-13 21:09:31

Gosh, you sound a perfect example of what is termed passive aggressive

Gennacy Wed 25-Dec-13 21:24:39

I would imagine that your MIL thinks that the neighbour is being generous, you are not exactly being forthcoming with her, therefore wants to send the flowers.

Why do you deserve flowers? What have you done to warrant it? Do you give flowers when you was in that situation?

really sorry, i wouldnt say unreasonable, more like really misguided and a little stupid.

ilovesooty Wed 25-Dec-13 21:41:40

I'm with the other posters. Just communicate with people!

lougle Wed 25-Dec-13 22:10:04

As you are a Christian, this verse may help you:

"2 Corinthians 9:7 NIV
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

You're being resentful and harbouring bad feeling towards these people who probably aren't even aware you're doing it. You're seeming to be generous, kind, thoughtful, but all the while simmering with frustration that they aren't noticing how much you're paying, how unfair it is, etc.

Your neighbour has put up with the inconvenience of having house guests in her absence and you've quite rightly paid her. But you think that you deserve flowers because she's done you a favour!

Snowhoho Wed 25-Dec-13 22:17:19

clue: £100 (didn't specify that)

Why not? And if you say its because you werent expecting any money then why post it in such a way here?!!

lisianthus Thu 26-Dec-13 03:30:45

Upcycled, think about it this way. You very carefully didn't tell your MiL that you had paid your neighbour, so what she could have been thinking is as follows: "What lovely neighbours Upcycled has! Upcycled must have mentioned that we were coming to stay and the neighbour offered to let us stay in their house while they were out. How kind! I will send them some flowers to thank them."

People do lend other people their places- there is no reason for your MiL to think money had changed hands if you didn't let her know payment had been required. So as far as MiL knows, your neighbour is the kind one, not you.

If you had said at any point something like "MiL, we've rented our neighbour's place for you to stay in as we want you to be comfortable. No, of course you don't need need to reimburse us [if she'd said something about reimbursing you]." or if, in the conversation you mentioned in your post, you had said- "don't worry, you don't need to send [neighbour] flowers as we paid them for the flat and they like to be businesslike about these things", then I am betting that MiL would be sending you the flowers to thank you.

But she is not going to randomly send you flowers to thank you for something she doesn't know you have done.

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 26-Dec-13 07:50:07

Sorry,but I don't think you should charge them after the fact.

For one,you didn't just book it so they could have nice accommodation,but to get them out from under your feet.

Sorry but I think you need to pay this one.

FanjoForTheMammaries Thu 26-Dec-13 07:51:13

I note it is too late now and you probably didn't charge them.

I don't think you can next time either though

Upcycled Thu 26-Dec-13 09:33:37

My intention was never ever to charge. But I never said the neibghbour offered her place. I said I asked the neighbour to use her place. But MiL never asked if money exchanged hands or not. That is fine because I decided to send them to neighbours whitout consulting them and it was for their benefit as well as mine, as seen the flat cramped and having to move furniture around for the evening than back again for the morning is a pita. It is a very small flat and we have new stuff that we didn't have previous years and letting 4 extra adults stay overnight is possible but extremely unconfortable for everyone. However I will only host next year if neighbour agrees to rent her flat again. Then I will discuss well in advance with MiL , PilL, SiL and BiL and ask them to pay half at least. So they can split £50 beteeen them, sure this is not unreasanable? After all when SiL invited us for Christmas at her house, we had to stay in a b&b. Also we had Christmas dinner in a restaurant. And we paid our way.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 26-Dec-13 09:38:34

Ffs do you expect them to mind read? Either come out with what is bothering you or suck it up.

GrendelsMum Thu 26-Dec-13 09:44:23

I think your new idea sounds much more sensible. Work it out in advance, discuss it upfront, and then go ahead with something you're all happy with.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 26-Dec-13 09:50:42

If yu told me you'd asked the neighbours if they'd lend their flat while they were away, I wouldn't immediately presume money was involved.

Why didn't you just say we're renting the neighbours flat for the night for you?

I do think the other posters have a point. Say what you mean and stop expecting people to understand your unsaid insinuations.

NotALondoner Thu 26-Dec-13 10:02:42

These are the ones who didn't bring enough drinks, aren't they? There's a lot left unspoken in this family!

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