To think that if you move 100 miles away from NRP you should stick to your agreement?

(56 Posts)
TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:16:09

I'm fucking furious so can't see whether I am being unreasonable.

Brief back story- DSD lived with me and DP from 5 months. XP split up with DP when she was 6 months pregnant. She kept leaving DSD for weeks at a time with us and claimed tax creds, housing etc based on her having DSD. Whenever we asked her to change the child benefit she would take DSD back.

Back and forth to court. DP had residency 4 times. The last time it was awarded to XP (DP had been shown to be irresponsible by forgetting to phone back cafcass). DP has DSD EOW.

All was fine. Then at beginning of year XP moves over 100 miles away with DSD to live with her new partner. DP didn't know he could argue it so agrees as long as XP does half the trips.

DP lost his job. Couldn't keep up with private maintenance agreement. Explains to ex that he will pay what he can when be can and will backdate when he gets new job. She phones CSA. CSA tell her he has no income, surviving off my maternity pay.

He got a new iob Friday. Was going to tell them Friday when XPs new partner brings DSD to us (their weekend to travel). The new partner has just phoned DP and said they won't be bringing DSD anymore ever as they can't afford it

She's the one who bloody moved promising that she would stick to half the trips. She knows we are skint so it looks like she's trying to cut DP out.

DP wants to pick DSD up and not return her as its her mum not sticking to her own agreement. I think its unfair as it's christmas.

What the fuck do we do now? He's broken enough with XP refusing to let him speak to DSD during the fortnight he doesn't see her, she's filthy when we get her, she's writing letters to her friends where we live saying she wants to live here and that mummy shouts at her for saying it.

What would you do? I can't even go and get her the weekends they're supposed to and help DP out as she's not allowed in my car as I've only been driving since June confused

Sorry this was long. Just so fucking rage filled and don't want to vent in front of DCs.

Casmama Wed 18-Dec-13 19:19:32

She does sound like a bit of a nightmare but if the arrangement was based on her receiving maintenance from your dp that she is no longer getting then perhaps she is telling the truth about not being able to afford it

AngelsLieToKeepControl Wed 18-Dec-13 19:21:18

On the issue of travel alone I don't think she ibu, she isn't getting maintenance so she probably can't afford it.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:33:06

Maintenance shouldn't affect contact. She also, as we would if we moved, budgeted x amount for the trips. Even when DP starts up the payments again she will find another excuse. We paid for ballet lessons for 6 months only to find from DSD she had stopped doing them after 2 because they were too expensive!

Sorry I probably am being a twat. I'm just sick of DSD being used as a weapon.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Wed 18-Dec-13 19:36:27

Could he afford to give her petrol money? Or do you have enough money to get there?

Maintenence shouldn't effect contact, but I can see how it has in this case.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:38:44

We could just about manage it but its Friday evening ( pick up after school)- to Sunday evening. DP can't get out of work until 5, she won't let me do the trips so DP wouldn't get there until 8 and DSD wouldn't get to ours until 11pm. If he picks up on Saturday morning then it's a huge chunk of time with her we are all missing out on.

Monetbyhimself Wed 18-Dec-13 19:43:58

Pick her up on Saturday morning. If the other option is etting her to you at 11pm, she won't be missing out on much time at all.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:48:45

She usually gets to us at 7/8 the way it is now. To pick her up Saturday at say 8/9 am DP would have to leave at 5/6am get back with her about lunchtime then have to leave Sunday lunchtime to take her back. So it's more than 12 hours less contact (admittedly she's asleep for some).

I don't understand the part where it's okay for your dp not to afford it for a while but when she says she can't afford it, it's not okay?

Whatnamenext Wed 18-Dec-13 19:52:16

What a nightmare. No advice but lovely to see you care so much.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:52:19

Because we have still been taking her there and back when we are supposed to as per the agreement she came up with. If we said we couldn't afford to do the trip then all hell would break loose.

Sorry, OP, I misread. I thought you said dp didn't travel when he lost his job. blush

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 19:56:29

That's ok. Sorry if I sounded arsey. I'm just so sick of all of this.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 20:19:09

I should also point out its only been 6 weeks maintenance that has been missed.

gobbynorthernbird Wed 18-Dec-13 20:36:02

Only 6 weeks. How nice. That's 6 weeks that the child didn't need to eat for. Or use any utilities. Or go to school. Or need any new clothes. Try not taking the piss, you may get more back.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 20:40:01

I meant only 6 weeks as opposed to months of missed payments. Not only 6 weeks as in it doesn't matter.

gobbynorthernbird Wed 18-Dec-13 20:43:55

But it is still money that RP was relying on, and you seem to think she can do without it. Or cover you in the meantime.

IneedAwittierNickname Wed 18-Dec-13 20:45:32

I t

BrokenFairylights Wed 18-Dec-13 20:48:56

I wouldn't be impressed if I didn't get paid for 6 weeks, that's a lot of missing money.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 20:49:35

She's not covering us. We haven't once expected her to do extra trips etc. If her partner had lost his job she would still have to do the trips. The money should be budgeted for. We have managed it. It's been a bit tight but we have done it. She chose to move that far away knowing how much it would cost both her and us to do the trips. She also told DP not to worry about maintenance until he got a new job then went straight to the CSA.

IneedAwittierNickname Wed 18-Dec-13 20:51:19

Wtf confused let's try again!

I thought that the parent who moved away had to 'cover the cost' of travel.so to speak. So if the pwc moves, they take a dip in maintenance/cover nrps travel costs. Not sure where I read that though. So part of me says that she chose to move that far away,

BUT I'm a lone parent who receives no maintenance from my ex, and its so hard! Every single purchase has to be considered. Difference is though, my ex quit his job because it didn't fit in with his social.life!

(needs a cushion for this fence)

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 20:52:29

No I can't imagine missing the money has been fun. But she should still be making DSD available for contact. When she was resident with DP we didn't receive maintenance etc and did all the handover trips. In 4 years DP has missed 6 weeks of payments. He has paid for all uniform, extra curricular stuff and anything else she's asked for. I'm aware that this doesn't excuse not paying 6 weeks but I wanted to point out he's not a deadbeat dad.

Vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 18-Dec-13 20:53:44

So what about all the times the OP and DP were caring for the child while the tax credits etc where still going to the Mum???

Or is the DP expected to always suck it up just because he's male??

AngelsLieToKeepControl Wed 18-Dec-13 20:55:05

Nobody is saying he is a deadbeat dad, but surely you can see how she will be struggling without maintenance, she still has the same outgoings, probably more at this time of year, but she has less money. Something has to give.

TheNightIsDark Wed 18-Dec-13 20:55:17

Now the CSA are involved she is going to be taking a dip to cover fuel. DP doesn't trust having a private arrangement so is going to do dverything through CSA so that it is documented.

She's not a lone parent. She has a partner who her son calls dad. They are a family unit, DSD is part of that as she is ours. She's not sitting there destitute.

Sorry. It just feels like a power play and things had actually been going well for a while between everyone.

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