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To not want people to know we met online

(121 Posts)
Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:04:02

I have never been ashamed about anything in my life or anything about me until I met my partner online. Even with people who openly have told me they met their partner online I just cannot admit that's where I met my partner and I end up lying that we met at work as we work with partner companies but I don't elaborate. When out with my partner he says the truth and is my embarrassed at all. Obviously I have to tell the truth to our friend as my partner has told them it's just people who will never meet and also my family. I just find it terribly embarrassing as I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online. It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally. For me I had plenty of men who like led me I just moved to a new city and did online dating as I knew no one. It is normal that I don't like to admit how we met?

Laila362 Wed 18-Dec-13 13:38:08

And while people tell me it's normal it's usually only ppl who did meet their partner online that say that. I want to get over this so that I can start being truthful with ease. We have a beautiful newborn son and have been together since I was 23 so hardly like we don't get on!

ElleMcFearsome Wed 18-Dec-13 13:43:53

Most of my friends who are single and don't really want to be are on one site or another! (Not to mention the ones who talked about starting gaming after realising what a sweetheart my DH is!)

It seems sensible - you want to meet someone and are too old to bar/club hop (or just bored of it), colleagues are either inappropriate or don't do it for you and you're sick of friends setting you up. You set the parameters and off you go. I really don't get why, at a point in time where a lot of socialising and connecting takes place online it's anything to be ashamed of.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Wed 18-Dec-13 13:45:07

I think meeting online is pretty normal these days, and I didn't meet DH online. Lying about how you met is a bit weird, though, and I'd think less of someone for doing that.

Lemonylemon Wed 18-Dec-13 13:46:18

Just tell them you met through a club you both belonged to.

I used to say I bought my OH from Ebay.

PhantomMenace Wed 18-Dec-13 13:46:34

I met my now DH on an online game called Second Life, he moved from Holland to be with me and I can honestly say I have never been happier we have been together for almost 5 years now. All my family and friends know how we met, however I do still feel a bit shamey ( I don't think that's a word) if a stranger asks how we got together.
The only reasoning I have for it is that it was seen as a bit pathetic in my friendship group when I was younger. It is far more common now and barely anyone bats an eyelid when I do tell them.

It sounds like you have absorbed your dad's ideas - I don't suppose he knows anything at all about online dating so he is speaking out of ignorance and you can safely ignore his opinions on this subject. It sounds like he is parroting media reports from the early 1990s (two decades ago) when meeting people on the internet was a New Thing.

You did meet in a normal way. More than 1 in 3 American marriages start online and they appear to be happier and longer-lasting than more conventional relationships.

It is a non-issue, and you need to learn to see it that way. Otherwise your DP might start to feel that you are ashamed of him and not just the way you met - and that could be toxic for your relationship.

It's very normal now. I know two happily married couples who met online. No shame in it

Thants Wed 18-Dec-13 13:48:32

I would find that embarrassing too! But if you are gonna do online dating then you gots to learn to be proud wink

ElizabethBathory Wed 18-Dec-13 13:51:05

OP, for the record, I didn't meet my DH online and I think it's normal - same goes for many others on this thread I imagine.

We met before internet dating was really a thing, but we'd both have done it if we didn't - it's an efficient way of meeting lots of people rather than having to settle for whoever lives/works in your immediate vicinity!

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 18-Dec-13 13:53:13

Personally I think it ranks ever higher than 'I got totally plastered one night and snogged the face off my now hubby in a bar before the bouncers threw me out for lewd behaviour.' Was that not the common meeting of minds before online dating?

aquashiv Wed 18-Dec-13 13:54:38

If you follow that chain of thought then Op posting big life questions questions on a forum of people you do not know and do not know you is also odd is it not?
Its normal.

ViviPru Wed 18-Dec-13 13:58:02

YABU. REALLY U.

I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online
It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally
I do know people who met online through a proper dating site and I do think less of them
how we met makes me cringe

You should be more embarrassed by your outdated, prejudiced and downright rude views than how you met your partner hmm

Gwlondon Wed 18-Dec-13 14:00:54

Your dad needs to get with the times! My friend met her partner on the guardian website. What is wrong with that? Nothing! They met through an organisation that fitted with their outlook in things. (Both creative types). I think there are so many different types of on line dating that you just cannot judge anyone unless they tell you more. There is a website for Asian people to meet other Asian people. So it fits what they need. Don't be ashamed. There is no need. You were lonely but that is nothing to be ashamed of. Loneliness is very sad and you did something about it and got a great result.

Gwlondon Wed 18-Dec-13 14:05:14

Also no one knows you were lonely. All they know is you went on line. They don't know how you felt then. In exactly the same way you don't know who was lonely when they went on line, they might just want even more company!

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 14:05:20

I didn't meet my partner doing online dating either. We met through a forum too. I've been to approximately eight weddings of other people who met through forums and/or online dating as well. The fact that I met my partner through a forum we were both moderating doesn't make me a better person than the people who met doing online dating.

Seriously, have a frigging word with yourself.

SourSweets Wed 18-Dec-13 14:09:40

YABU, rude and judgemental.

I met my husband online. Worse still, a proper dating site. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It beats going to bars and getting felt up by drunken perverts.

I can't believe you actually think it was ok for you to do it, but you'd look down on me for doing it.

DontmindifIdo Wed 18-Dec-13 14:10:11

OP - I can see why you are a little upset/embarrassed about it, but attitudes to on-line dating and dating agencies has changed dramatically in the last 10-15 years. If you started dating before that, it might have easily been only really sad and pathetic people who did "lonely hearts" columns or used dating agencies, and that was the image of 'formal dating' that you got then, and subsequently, not many 'normal' people used them.

However - things have changed, the British seem to have finally embraced the US attitude towards formal dating (rather than getting drunk and then getting off with someone, or just hanging out with friends of friends and then 'going out'). And hte reason it's taken off and is more popular because it's a very grown up and sensible way to go about it.

DH and I met the old fashioned way (I was hammered on Archers and lemonade, wearing far too little for a night out in a northern town, we were in the classy surroundings of 'pop tarts' and he was doing some aggressive dance moves to 80s classics in a rugby shirt and beer soaked jeans, and I thought "that's the man for me"), but I think if we were to split up, I'd use on-line dating, the only new men I meet are via work, it's not really appropriate to date a colleague in my current work place, and I certainly couldn't date a client without it causing upset. I've met all the single male friends of my friends, and they are all single for good reasons. I don't lead the sort of lifestyle to go out on the pull.

Quite frankly, I'd think more highly of someone in their 30s dating on line (classy) than being out drunk on the pull (never classy, but you can get away with it if you are young).

Happydaze77 Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:20

online dating has become so popular because it allows people to sort the wheat from the chaff a bit earlier on that in traditional dating (say in a bar/nightclub situation). You can filter by interests/hobbies, age, career type, kids/no kids etc. seems eminently sensible to me and a bit safer than getting plastered choosing prospective man friends through beer goggles in a darkened room.
Totally agree UsedToBeNDP

KhunZhoop Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:36

OP, where do you think people should meet their partners then?

RedToothBrush Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:43

If it screams of desperation and loneliness then a huge percentage of this country is desperate and lonely.

I think meeting someone online is now one of the most popular ways to meet your partner. I don't know what the percentage is in the UK, but the US figure is currently running at 30%!!!!

Perhaps if you (and everyone else) admitted it, then we'd be a lot less lonely as a society.

I don't see why its bad to meet online. I think you need to consider why you think this, and why you think it is worse than other ways to meet someone. Tbh, I think there's more to be said for it than picking up a random stranger in a bar for example. At least you have the chance to perhaps get to know someone a little before going on a date.

So OP I'm afraid you need to get over your petty snobbery and admit YABU.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy Wed 18-Dec-13 14:14:30

I used to lie ten years ago, because so many made rude comments as you've done about meeting online. We both actually had a story because other's opinions on it were pretty much what you said. We would get asked a lot because I'm not British and it was easier to lie.

Now (and the last few years), I just say the truth, we met in an online writing group. I'm more comfortable with myself, speaking for myself against such opinions, and it's just far more normal. And we rarely get comments on it now, people normally share their own stories or their own online hobby groups.

Thistledew Wed 18-Dec-13 14:14:37

My friend met her now DH through on-line dating. She had been a carer for her very ill mother for years and when she died, my friend decided that she was getting on (early 40s) and didn't want to spend the rest of her life alone. Her social circle had rather dwindled through spending so much time looking after her mum and through being very dedicated to her work. She went into dating with an absolutely ruthless mindset, and signed up for the best paid sites. She went on lots of dates, wasted no time with men who didn't meet her expectations and within 6 months had met a lovely man who had also spent a long time caring for elderly parents, and 3 months later they were engaged.

I have nothing but admiration for her efficiency.

I have another friend who has dabbled a bit in on-line dating but won't pay any fees, and has now given it up as it is not romantic enough for her to meet a man that way. She has been single for about 5 years and still lives in hope that she will bump into her Prince Charming in the supermarket or on the train to work, even though she has a specification of her ideal man that is as long as her arm.

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 18-Dec-13 14:16:18

The fact is, before on-line dating there were 'lonely hearts' columns in newspapers. THEY are to blame for the outdated attitudes some people still have towards finding a partner on line. 'Lonely hearts' implied 'The lonely soul who has to advertise for love.'
Times have changed OP and it is more than socially acceptable to meet someone through social media or on dating websites.

Fairylea Wed 18-Dec-13 14:19:49

I met dh online - plenty of fish actually which always gets masses of slating as yes it has its fair share of weirdos as opposed to maybe match for example but it's free so there's more people overall, of course there will be more good and bad people.

Anyway.... I always tell people. So does dh. We are so happy and would love to think we encouraged other people to give online dating a chance. If everyone lies about using it no one thinks it's successful and everyone should give it a go if they are looking to meet someone. It's just another way of meeting people!

Sidge Wed 18-Dec-13 14:22:04

Wow what a lovely attitude you have - not.

I've recently started online dating. On a paid dating site.

I'm in my 40s, divorced and am either at work or home with my children. I don't have any hobbies where I can meet single men, I don't go pubbing and clubbing and wouldn't really want to pick someone up that way. All of my friends are married or in long term relationships and don't have hoards of single friends they can fix me up with.

So how else do you suggest I meet someone? I'm not desperate (but I do get lonely) and I think that meeting people through a website specifically set up to put single people looking for a relationship is pretty sensible really.

At least I know that if a guy has forked out his hard earned cash to try and meet someone he's fairly serious. Better than meeting some pissed chancer in a club who's just out for a shag...

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