was this a friendly tip off or an uninvite?

(70 Posts)
FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner Wed 18-Dec-13 11:24:43

Earlier this year a local wannabe 'Queen Bee' decided to pick a fight with me over my role in a volunteer community project. After the weird phonecalls & nasty emails I resigned but did n't go into details with the wider group. The project is great and I did n't want to derail it with a personality thing.

The dust settled and I tried to patch it up by doing something for the group but got a direct mail from the 'leader' warning me off. I now avoid anything that the group do. In a small town this is tricky. I've also stopped meeting or discussing my life with friends who are close to her because I think that jealousy was a big factor in her outbursts.

So New Year is coming and as a family we've had an invite to a house party, today the host tells me if I arrive early I should be able to avoid the 'leader'. Small town political nightmare. The host is clearly in a tricky position. Do I:

Send family (our dds are friends) but I'll not go at all
Go early and leave early (DH once he's there will want to stay and there's a quiz planned so might be hard to leave)
Get verry, verrry drunk and cry in the kitchen?

Your thoughts please

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat Wed 18-Dec-13 11:27:07

Go. And be nice and friendly to everyone so that when she gets there you are in the centre of a smiling, laughing group.

Then give her the finger

Teeb Wed 18-Dec-13 11:27:41

I don't understand what she means about you arriving early? It's New Years, so isn't the point that everyone's there until midnight? What difference would you getting there early make?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 18-Dec-13 11:27:50

What was the nature of the falling out? Would you want to avoid being in the same room as the "leader" or would you just chat to your friends and family while she chats to hers?

SomethingkindaOod Wed 18-Dec-13 11:27:59

I'd make other plans as a family and not go at all tbh. The night is unlikely to end well. I live in a small town as well, it can be an utter nightmare at times.

Get very, very drunk and dance the night away. fgrin She sounds like a complete bitch.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 18-Dec-13 11:29:40

Do what SMorgause said.

Floralnomad Wed 18-Dec-13 11:30:20

I wouldn't go because to me it sounds like she doesn't really want you there but for whatever reason felt obliged to invite you .

goshhhhhh Wed 18-Dec-13 11:32:01

Hold your head up and get on with it. (I know easy for me to say). Have a drink as well but don't cry and don't bitch.

Are you happy letting her dictate your life? Who you can and can't talk to....

You have acted with great dignity and now it is time to take back your power and if she has a problem it is hers....not yours to share with her and it is not your role to make it ok for everyone else.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Wed 18-Dec-13 11:32:18

Go. And be nice and friendly to everyone so that when she gets there you are in the centre of a smiling, laughing group.

This!

SqueakyCleanLibertine Wed 18-Dec-13 11:33:02

Bollocks! Don't stay at home?!

She's already driven you to stop doing something you enjoyed,I mean, where will it end?

Just ignore her and enjoy the party, if she says anything horrible tell her ODFOD!

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Wed 18-Dec-13 11:35:42

Seriously? You are going to put your life on hold for some jumped up bitch woman?

You cannot spend your whole life avoiding this woman. She knows that she has intimidated you and now feels she can push you further underground.

This party has nothing to do with the project. You were invited along with her. You are going to bump into her sooner or later anyway. I would arrive early, surround yourself with your friends and be the life and soul of the party.

I would even go a step further and approach her when she arrives. Give her a hug, wish her all the sentiments of the season. Compliment her dress, get her a drink and be the nicest person at that party. Let everyone see what an utterly gorgeous and lovely person you are so that if she starts to slag you off, they will see right through that.

What is she going to do? Have a go at you in front of your family and all those guests? She's not that stupid. She won't do anything which will see her lose favour with people.

Hold your head up high. She should be the one feeling too ashamed to bump into you, not the other way around.

I get the feeling that you are quiet and avoid all confrontation. So just be your lovely usual self. Greet her as you would an old friend. You'll feel more empowered for doing so and will be sending out a message that you will not let one woman put your life on hold.

whereisshe Wed 18-Dec-13 11:35:56

Go. Talk to people, have fun, build a coalition of support by subtly alluding to your side if the story while you're chatting to people...

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney Wed 18-Dec-13 11:36:18

I would see it as that she wants you to go but knows you are avoiding the other woman and hoped to encourage you by saying come early.

So she would rather you came, even it it was early, than not come at all.

Personally I would take Morgause's advice as well. And I would show the group that email. Why should she get to warn off volunteers?

quesadilla Wed 18-Dec-13 11:36:49

I would say it depends how close you are to the person who's having the party and how much you want to go.

If you want to go, go, and smile sweetly, be sociable and generally show her you don't give a toss about her and aren't responding to her efforts to bully you.

If this is just an acquaintance who you can live without seeing then it might be more trouble than its worth.

SpottyDottie Wed 18-Dec-13 11:44:52

I find this all very confusing. When you were initially warned off by the Queen Bee, you let her just do it??? Didn't you speak to anyone in RL within that group? Or have I missed something?

As a family you've now been invited to a party. Bloody well go. You have an invite. Sod anyone else.

FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner Wed 18-Dec-13 12:10:31

It's a great town but when it goes wrong it's horrid. We're thinking of moving to a mega-city!

The hostess is lovely but I know would really just like a quiet life. She is also local and understands the power of the local 'bignames' I'm an incomer (only 9 years). I think she would probably prefer not rocking the boat in anyway.

Spotty - I had a task and gave a realistic timeframe and toolkit for completion, the Queen Bee/Leader/Chairman said that was n't quick enough and that I should also use a different method that I had discounted as not being up to scratch. That was at an initial meeting so only two others saw but she was driving the project and is a big social mover and the group has grown. At the time, she drunkenly insisted on taking on the task, then was hideous over the next week and has subsequently delivered it very very late and had to backtrack and use my initial ideas. I'm not a leader, I like a niche role but she'll have lost a bit of face over this hence I think the subsequent nastiness.

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Wed 18-Dec-13 12:22:30

Look, I do not believe that anyone should be excluded over someone wanting a quiet life.

You have done nothing wrong. You are not going to do anything wrong. You have been invited to a party that has nothing to do with the project.

I suggest you stay, you greet her like an old friend, you are super nice and show some proper Christmas spirit. Wish her well in front of others. What on earth could she possibly find wrong with that?

If she does still snipe at you, it will only reflect badly on her because everyone at that party will have seen how lovely and nice you are.

You won't be causing trouble. You are not confronting anyone or are seeking to make any awkward atmospheres. Being nice to her will mean that you gain face and it's up to her then to reciprocate that niceness. If she doesn't then what can you do?

redexpat Wed 18-Dec-13 12:29:14

The hostess wants you there. Go. Circulate. Avoid the queen bee. She probably won't dare say or do anything. If she does, just disengage. 'I dont wish to discuss xy or z with you right now. Now if you'll excuse me I must just speak with Geoff...'

YouTheCat Wed 18-Dec-13 12:48:34

You go. You have fun. You only engage in polite chat through gritted teeth with this cowbag.

Hold your head high and let people see what an arse she is and that have done nothing wrong.

Best revenge is to look and act like you don't give a shit.

SunshinemMum Wed 18-Dec-13 12:58:59

YANBU Isn't it awful when small town mentality kicks in and someone is ostracised. Do you know why the leader of the group sided with this woman, or is it just small minded politics? I'd ask the host if she actually wants you there. Very hurtful!

SunshinemMum Wed 18-Dec-13 13:00:55

... Ah she is the leader.

SettingPlaster Wed 18-Dec-13 13:02:10

Go to the party and have a good time.

I've recently moved from London to a village, and a few months in, I have heard a lot from various acquaintances about someone they referred to as 'Alpha Mum', something of a power in the land. I said I didn't think I knew her, they chorused 'Oh, you DO!' Because apparently I had caused offence by blanking her in the street. I discovered I had met her on more than one occasion, but discounted her as a rather shrill little person in head-to-toe Joules. Queen Bee types only acquire power if you give it to them.

Incidentally, does cow bag woman have a drink problem, as you said she 'drunkenly' took over your project, or are meetings held in the pub?

DidoTheDodo Wed 18-Dec-13 13:04:37

Carry on living your life as you want to and let her do her worst. How bad can it be?
And you were "warned off"?? Honestly, it's the kind of behaviour I'd expect from 13 years olds.

ashamedoverthinker Wed 18-Dec-13 13:07:25

Go, be nice dignified, I would keep rink to a minimum. She will show herself up at some point during the evening.

If it causign you distress and anxiety dont go, it is not worth feeling ill over.

I have experienced something similar at school gates and hate doing school run and attending anything at the school because of it.

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