My thread about my teenage dss turned into a bit if a rant about this soi thought I'd separate the two issues. Although they always seem to come together.
Short story, her ex is an arse as a parent and a manipulative controller as a human being. She has to have some form of contact with him over the children so we will never be completely free of him.
She left him, so I accept its possible he still has feelings for her, although after 6 years and relationships of his own I think that's probably not the case.
But we can't get him to stay out of our lives. He wanted 50/50 child and that's we have had. And we've rearranged that several times to suit his working arrangements. But he's forever arranging things for the kids to do in our time or asking us to help him out with stuff he's arranged in his time.
More often than not that's so he can do something by himself, but he usually lies about that. I've loads of examples I won't repeat here. Typically we suggest he puts the kids first and this is responded to with abusive texts and phone calls to my partner. Then apologies, then a subsequent request, often implying the kids don't understand why she doesn't want them or that grandma will have to look after them and she's not well. Etc
He also decides to share his opinion on our arrangements and how we're dealing with the kids. It's a difficult time with a stressful teenager in the house and he wades in whenever she tells him how horrible we have been to her. Bit rich as he is the biggest Disney Dad.
My ex wrote me a letter telling me exactly how little she wanted to see of me and how our parenting arrangements would work. It's worked fine ever since, and we communicate politely and about the children only.
I have asked on many occasions if we can get her ex to work the same way. That would mean unless there's a problem with the children we wouldn't hear from him at all. And certainly not in the week we have them.
But he seems to believe that because they're sharing parenting that means she should still provide all the support services to him that she did as a wife. Friend, adviser, relationship counsellor and most of all baby sitter!
I came home yesterday to find flowers on the doorstep, apologies for his behaviour, x's. This goes back to another teen issue at the weekend which we dealt with at the time and not one he was inheriting. I know I shouldn't have looked but I checked her phone and there were more texts on it apologising again. Seems he's after some baby sitting again this weekend. But on top of that there was one telling her now much he loved her and respected her. More x's.
Now I know it's not entirely true, you only need to know how he treated her to know that and this is part of the controlling thing he has. And I know she takes no notice of it, although her maternal instinct to take the kids instead of them being dumped somewhere will kick in again now he's apologised.
We have had conversations over the years about keeping him out of our lives. Making clear what is acceptable and not acceptable, how the only thing they have in common is the kids and if there's something to discuss then a discussion will be arranged. She says she's told him all that but you know he is etc and to some extent she has in the last told him his behaviour is not acceptable, that usually brings the wrath of the gods down on her though, more greats, usually a pile of crap about me and my influence on her, he doesn't recognise her any more, what are we doing to the kids blaa blaa
And yes I do know how he is, and I don't like it. I don't like him.
I want to push this point now, I don't want to go into another new year hoping it will be different. I want it finished once and for good.
Is it unfair to ask?
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To want her ex out of our lives
32 replies
ShesYourDaughter · 18/12/2013 09:41
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