DD is very angry at exh help please

(32 Posts)
advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 12:21:17

name changed.

Ex was emotionally abusive to me although not in front of dd, had a drink problem and pretty severe MH issues but mostly just ignored dd when we were together although there were a couple of incidents of anger.

He is not seeing dd at the moment because of his own choice and issues and has not seen her in over 2 years.

He really let her down on her birthday, told her there was a gift let her go to the place for it but nothing there.

Nothing last Christmas, he had her bank details but did not do anything then told dd it was my fault as he does not have our address.

He mentioned seeing her again and dd has gone beserk. She says she has no interest in him, she hates him, she remembers him punching through the door, he doesn't call her, he used access to talk to me rather than her etc. She had so much venom.

I have never been negative about him in front of her she has grown her own perception of him.

Exh has problems and will twist all this to make it look like parent alienation but I swear it is not at all.
I want to support dd, I want to be on her side but at the same time I cannot restrict access.

Do I make her available and let her be angry towards him in person?

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Tue 17-Dec-13 12:23:07

How old is your DD?

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 12:25:16

Sorry I thought I had put it, she is 11.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 17-Dec-13 12:29:47

I'd speak to your GP and look into getting family therapy or getting a CAHMS referral for her.

Poor thing.

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Tue 17-Dec-13 12:33:12

What age can children choose not to see an estranged parent?

What a difficult situation to be in. Any chance you can talk to your Ex and tell him how DD feels?

ShedWood Tue 17-Dec-13 12:33:24

If I were you I would purchase a cheap mobile phone for my DD, text your ExH from it and say the following;

This is xxx (DD) my mobile number is X, my address is Y and my bank account details are Z. I will turn this phone on between 5pm & 6pm each day, if you wish to contact me please text or phone me on this number at that time. If you wish to send me gifts either physical or monetary you have my details.

Then hand the phone to your DD and leave the ball in his court. He is an adult and should be facilitating his own relationship with his daughter. She is old enough to say to you "dad has text to say he wants to meet up on sat, is that ok mum?" before arranging a place to meet.

And if he (as I highly suspect) does nothing with this information then the fault lies squarely at his door and is nothing to do with you.

YouTheCat Tue 17-Dec-13 12:36:07

Is the access court ordered? If it's not then you can allow her not to go if it is upsetting her so much.

Tbh, I agree with your dd.

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 12:43:38

He is on the edge mentally at the moment so I fear an explosion if I told him how she felt. He was angry earlier this year and pulled a guilt trip with a "she does not want to know me" kind of thing because she refused to go overnight to his when she had not seen him in so long. He is rather delusional and makes every situation into him being the victim, he actually believes it himself though.

Shedwood we have done all that, he has dds number, we set up skype and made sure it was on his network so no costs for him and he does not use it ever he expects her to call him I think.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 17-Dec-13 12:46:08

If she does not want contact right now let her make her own decision, to be honest I don't blame her one bit the present thing sounds really horrible.

Age ten is when the courts take a child's wishes and feelings into account regarding contact IME.

YouTheCat Tue 17-Dec-13 12:50:00

Don't facilitate him any more. If he won't bother himself with her then let him go on his guilt trip on his own with a one way ticket.

Yes, she does not want to know him and I don't blame her - he sounds like an utterly selfish arse.

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 12:52:17

That is interesting Fuzzy.

When we went there was a huge queue, she queued for ages to be told nothing there, I went two days later again to check just in case there had been a delay. I emailed him in a nice "just to let you know there was nothing there in case its gone missing, do not worry if you were too skint to do it just let me know " way but he did not reply. I even checked again a couple of days later with dd not present and nothing still.

I asked him about it again at a later date and again he ignored but answered back over stuff on another subject.

mummytime Tue 17-Dec-13 13:05:52

If he has an issue with alcoholism she could try alteen. If she is at secondary school you could see if they have access to a counsellor, both so she can let out her feelings and so that someone independent has a record.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Tue 17-Dec-13 13:08:50

he's made his bed AFAIC

yes yes counselling for her

but if he's a shit, she shouldn't have to put up with it - good for her

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 13:11:31

Ok counselling, do I just go to the GP to get referred for that?

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 13:13:03

Its all ready on record in that she told the head that he had punched through the door (she seems to think he did it with a knife but I have corrected her ) and it had scared her and that she did not want to see him because he lets her down.

redexpat Tue 17-Dec-13 13:14:14

GP is a good place to start, but I'd also see if I could find organisations/charities/groups in the local area. Just in case there's a massive waiting list.

YouTheCat Tue 17-Dec-13 13:30:50

Might be worth asking in school as well. We used to have a really lovely lady who came in for a weekly chat with a few kids who were having problems.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 17-Dec-13 13:31:44

School can also make a CAHMS referral, my children's did.

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 13:39:39

Does anyone know if legally I have to give him our address or if it is ok not to as long as he has a method of contact?

MrsSquirrel Tue 17-Dec-13 13:41:27

Is contact court ordered? If it is not, you do not have to make her available. She has valid reasons for not wanting to see him.

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 13:43:06

no no court order.

YouTheCat Tue 17-Dec-13 13:44:58

You don't have to give him your address. It sounds like you have given him many ways of making contact but he can't be bothered.

MrsSquirrel Tue 17-Dec-13 13:49:37

If there is no court order, you are not obliged to do anything. You certainly do not have to give him your address.

If I were you, I would just stop communicating with him. If he really wants to see her, he can take it to court.

advicemuchneeded Tue 17-Dec-13 14:32:52

He recently told me he was having " very bad thoughts" about what might happen or he might do. He is under a psychiatrist so I am not keen on him knowing where we live.

I know if he had contact I would want to know where she was so makes me feel guilty but I do not want to feel unsafe.

Mishmashofstyles Tue 17-Dec-13 14:47:58

She doesn't want to see him. He sounds unstable and useless.
I would not help him to visit with her at all.

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