Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

(212 Posts)
oldbaghere Tue 17-Dec-13 11:42:08

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective.

My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday.

Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day.

He consulted with his family and says no.

Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt?

His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

Andro Thu 19-Dec-13 23:14:30

I was kind of thinking of the OP.

She didn't go along with it, she extricated herself from the relationship and has tried to protect her children as much as possible in the best way she knew how. Unfortunately, the courts don't seem to realise how damaging contact with an EA parent can be and/or only see the good side of the person in court (ditto SS etc) so contact is deemed beneficial and an order made. The OP has complied with the order and been reasonable about other important events - these are the acts of a good parent and she can't be faulted for them - the kicker is that her ex defines unreasonable and there's little she can do (other than pick up the pieces when her DC figure out that they fairly effectively pooped all over their hurting mother and grandfather as well as their dying grandmother).

oldbaghere Fri 20-Dec-13 05:28:51

What Andro and Penelope said.

i talked to DC1 last night. I kind of get what he is saying. Without going into all the gory details, he and DC2 know I am not pleased and know I'm not a bit happy. Partly they are so conditioned that they have to be there for contact and the fear and all that has been said, yes it's that in part.

But it's also. Contact is court ordered for the younger ones. I ahve to send them. I'm asking them to be without their siblings on Christmas Day because I have to send the younger ones.

And my ex inlaws family dynamic is toxic. DC want to be there partly to protect younger dc (I will explain that in a bit) and also to ensure that they leave on time so that they are with me for 6 and no later.

A family member in their teens who will be at Christmas day with my in-laws is psychologically bullying at an extreme level. This child has, for example, told a child in school who was upset that they should "do the decent thing and commit suicide". My older DC don't want to leave my younger DC open to that and will be watching and protecting the younger DC. Which they and I know right well their father will not do.

oldbaghere Fri 20-Dec-13 05:38:01

If we had time I would go for a variation of the order for this year. But we don't have time. And actually, what would it achieve? The kids know, and at some point they will realise. And I will pick up the pieces. If I had gone for a variation and fought this - I would have been the bad one who denied him his rights to his access blah blah and it would have given him yet another stick to beat me with.

He isn't normal. His thought processes and behaviours are not normal - except in his head to him. I work with a woman who used to work very closely with him and the number of times in the last couple of days that she has said "I cannot believe he is doing this". But I can. Because I know exactly what he is like and how he will operate. The good thing from this is that now everyone will know what he is like.

EA people toxic people narc people like him, unless you've lived with one you cannot comprehend. And the apple didn't fall far from the tree. he learnt it from his mother, hence me not contacting her

oldbaghere Fri 20-Dec-13 05:54:33

Out of interest, HappyMummyofOne, what should I call it when he asks me to put myself out and change my plans to accommodate him? I use the phrase "asking me a favour" because that's what I would call it if a friend asked me to do something for them.

What should I call it when he does the same?

RedorBlack Fri 20-Dec-13 06:39:45

I'm so sorry op about your mum & your utter shit of an ex. What an appalling excuse for a human being he is. This will come back & bite him one day

You could call the favours or flexibility, either are accurate to date, but from now on, with as much cold steel as you can muster call them "no longer possible".

Can I have the kids next Sunday fir xyz

That's no longer possible

I need them for abc

That's no longer possible

Can you take them shopping for...

That's no longer possible

No discussion no elaboration just repeat.

oldbaghere Fri 20-Dec-13 06:54:11

I'm not using the phrase doing him a favour in any way with regards to his access to the kids. I am only using it in so far as I am being put out to do a favour for him - ie it means me changing my plans.

Does that make sense?

RedorBlack Fri 20-Dec-13 06:57:02

Yes makes perfect sense. Normal contact is every day life. Changing your plans/ days /arrangements is a favour.

Favours are like respect in my book, they go both ways or not at all.

Vivacia Fri 20-Dec-13 07:21:54

I'm glad you and your eldest have spoken and cleared up misunderstanding. Sounds as though there's at least one person putting the well being of the children first.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 20-Dec-13 07:49:28

Op, don't get upset about that particular posters stance on the matter.

Just look at a few of her posts around the boards and you will understand very quickly why.

Turkeywurkey Fri 20-Dec-13 07:58:03

We were told that if DSDs mother broke the court order there was not much a court would do about it I'd it unless it were a pattern of behaviour and even then there might it would depend on the circumstances.
I really don't think you should worry about breaking the order on this occasion from that point of view though I appreciate your other reasons.
I also wonder if you do in fact have time to apply for a variation. I know people who have asked for a specific issue order in a very rapid space of time, turned up to the court and had it dealt with that day.
The courts are reasonable people, they will see this is reasonable.

Turkeywurkey Fri 20-Dec-13 08:16:49

I do understand why you might not want to take it to this level by the way but it might be possible.
I've been thinking about this all night and feel so frustrated on your behalf. I do hope you get some resolution on this and that you and your mum are able to have a good christmas no matter what happens with this. X

candycoatedwaterdrops Fri 20-Dec-13 08:21:02

The children may still be legally considered children but they also would be listened to in court (if it went that far) re: their opinions about contact. So, you do not have to send the younger ones and I wouldn't if I were you, only if they don't want to go obv.

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