Parents alone at Christmas

(40 Posts)
Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:35:14

Firstly - new member so please be gentle!
My mum and dad are going to be alone this Christmas for the first time ever. My bro and sis are abroad. It's our turn to go the the pil even though they have a full house. My mum nearly died from a sudden illness earlier this year and it's a bit of a miracle she is still here.
I hate my pils, I can't even hide the fact that I can't stand them, she is a self obsessed psycho nutter with a tendency towards crazy made up fits of illness. AIBU to expect that they might lets us off the hook so we can go to my mum and dads?
We can't do both houses on the day and she won't come to ours because she is so fussy
I'm wracked with guilt about my parents and filled with crazy rage for the in laws aaaaagggghhhh

diddl Tue 17-Dec-13 16:33:18

"My dh is terrified to stand up to them because of their previous behaviour"

That's your problem!

Ephiny Tue 17-Dec-13 16:25:22

Of course it's nice to compromise sometimes, and it's a good thing to consider other people's feelings etc. I don't think anyone is suggesting otherwise. But choosing to compromise is not the same thing as feeling you have to do something just because someone demands it or you're afraid of their reaction if you don't.

The OP mentions that she has to go to her MIL's. She doesn't. She may choose to go, either to keep the peace, or to accommodate her MIL's wishes, or to support her partner. But she doesn't have to. And that's important to realise, because it's only then that you can take control of your life and start making and owning your choices. The passive, resentful, martyr-ish 'I hate this but I HAVE to do it' mindset doesn't really serve anyone.

You don't have to do anything. Go to your mum's if you want to, or stay home if you prefer, or whatever you want. You're an adult, aren't you?Let your MIL throw a strop if she wants. What does that have to do with you

About as much as OPs mothers feelings have to do with her DH, I would guess. Its a two-way street.

fgs families are not supposed to be a war zone.
We can all jump up and down and shout "I am doing what I like and sod the rest of you" but it does pay to remember that a bit of compromise now and then is not a down trodden option, but a pro-active way to keep life on a pleasant footing. Especially when it comes to respecting that your partner may actually like his family (and their way of celebrating Christmas) even if you don't
Or is this all coming from the DIL's that I didn't really think existed? ..... those women we hear about who deliberately exclude their MIL's. You know - the ones who favour their own parents and make no effort with the IL's?

Oh. Whoops. Maybe I should have put that on "things I would like to say, but....."

averywoomummy Tue 17-Dec-13 12:10:18

Personally I would invite both sets to my house and if PILs don't choose to come that is their decision. I can see that you have a tradition of taking it in turns but as adults we have to accept that sometimes circumstances change and things don't go to plan and this is one of those times.

It is your decision though and it is not for PILs to authorise you to do it!

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 12:10:06

The reason we have to take turns is because my mil is unreasonable and will throw a strop if we don't go.

So what? Let her strop. You don't buy your child an ice cream just because they're having a tantrum in the shop, do you?

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:53:43

Ha I'm loving the fact that I am getting the talking to that I actually need. Thanks all

Ephiny Tue 17-Dec-13 11:49:41

You don't have to do anything. Go to your mum's if you want to, or stay home if you prefer, or whatever you want. You're an adult, aren't you?

Let your MIL 'throw a strop' if she wants. What does that have to do with you?

Delurkedforthis Tue 17-Dec-13 11:47:18

Result!

I hope you and your brother and partners will be helping your DM!!!

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:45:03

The reason we have to take turns is because my mil is unreasonable and will throw a strop if we don't go. My dh is terrified to stand up to them because of their previous behaviour but at the Same time they are his parents so is difficult for him. Anyway my brother just phoned there and he is going to be able to get home so my mum is going to do christmas for us all on Christmas Eve instead.

Delurkedforthis Tue 17-Dec-13 11:42:18

Thank goodness for you Woolly tights

I was beginning to think it was only me....Mr Lurked and I will be alone (together) on Christmas day: DD with her lovely ils ditto DS with his....and we cannot WAIT!!!!!!

Forgive me if I've overlooked this, but how do YOUR parents feel about this Poodles? After the year they've had might they not cherish time just the two of them? I can really sympathise with your not wanting to spend the day with your ILs but make sure you're not using your parents as an excuse.

Happy Christmas!

woollytights Tue 17-Dec-13 11:35:23

Your parents won't be alone, they'll be together.

It does sound like you're trying to find an excuse not to spend Christmas with your PIL and if this wasn't your reason for not wanting to go, you'd find another. I personally wouldn't want someone round my house on Christmas who hated me to the point of sheer rage and fury. Best tell them you're not going, it doesn't need to be a huge dilemma.

diddl Tue 17-Dec-13 11:29:32

Go to your parents!

Although as there are two of them, I wouldn't consider them alone tbh.

HedgehogsRevenge Tue 17-Dec-13 11:19:43

Turns? Hooks? You are a grown up, yes? Well then you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. If you go to your pil then that is your choice, no-one can force you and quite why you would choose to spend Christmas with people you dislike is beyond me.

SomethingkindaOod Tue 17-Dec-13 11:18:06

Go to your parents this year and then next year start your own tradition. Giving up the turns thing was the best festive decision we ever made!

cozietoesie Tue 17-Dec-13 11:15:31

For Goodness Sake, go to your parents and break this compulsion. But tell everybody quickly in case they've (for once) semi-ordered a fatted calf.

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:14:17

Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

So why do you go there?

Nanny0gg Tue 17-Dec-13 11:12:43

What does your husband think?

ViviPru Tue 17-Dec-13 11:10:52

maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up.

I'm confused. The vast majority of posts agree you ought to see your parents yet you draw this conclusion confused

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:07:37

Sounds great fun, lol grin

Poodles1980 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:06:51

Thanks guys, maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up. Christmas in my family home is a laid back affair with copious amounts of food,drink and fun. Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

RodneyTheChristmasElf Tue 17-Dec-13 11:00:16

I hate the whole 'turns' thing at Christmas. Christmas should be about being with the people you want to be with, simple as. Go be with your parents.

struggling100 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:49:33

Definitely go to your parents. But perhaps offer the PILs some kind of alternative date so you still see them?

JellyBabiesSaveLives Tue 17-Dec-13 10:48:18

There are no "turns". What happens is you and dh sit down and look at all the places where you'd be welcome for Christmas, including your own home, and decide where you'd like to be for Christmas. Then you do that. You tell the people you won't be visiting, politely, and they politely express their disappointment ...

Could you invite both sets of parents to your house? And then the ILs can choose not to come, and that will be their choice.

(but your mum and dad won't be alone for Christmas, there are two of them)

friday16 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:47:40

Firstly, "turns" is for small children playing with toys. Go where you think best. Being an adult involves making decisions. Your in-laws have a full house. Go to your parents.

Secondly, on the other hand, "she won't come to ours because she is so fussy" is her problem, not yours. If she wants to be in her own house so badly that she'd rather be alone, then that's up to her. You could invite her, and then stay at home.

Decide what you want to do, and do it. Let other people be irrational.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:47:36

Thanks kelly - stupid moment alert!! smile

In that case OP I would definitely go to your own parents. I'm sure your husband would understand given the circumstances.

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