to be upset that DP bought himself expensive gift without discussing it?

(136 Posts)
CosyTeaBags Sun 15-Dec-13 21:01:17

I have been with my DP for nearly 4 years, lived together for the last 2 years.

Last week it was his 40th birthday. We had a couple of friends over for dinner to celebrate, and when they arrived they presented DP with a 'gift'.

It turned out to be a £2k Rolex watch that DP has bought a a present for himself, which his friend (a fellow watch collector) has been looking after for him until his birthday, and his wife had gift wrapped for DP as a nice gesture.

I knew nothing about this at all, and had to ask several times, in front of our friends, what was happening - I didn't understand whether our friend had bought it for him, gone halves on it, whatever. I knew nothing at all, while our 2 friends knew all about it.

Now, I don't mind at all what DP spends his money on, it's his money, we have no DCs, each financially independent etc. BUT AIBU to think that he ought to have discussed this with me first, and not made me feel like a total idiot in front of our friends when I knew nothing about it?

I have told him that I feel that he doesn't consider us a partnership, that he ought to have told me about this first, and that I am hurt that he didn't consider my opinion on something as important as this.

He said he 'just forgot' that he had bought it... but on further pressing, he said he thought I would talk him out of it... so one of those versions isn't the truth hmm

I should add that he is usually a wonderful partner, we are currently TTC, and hope to get married someday. However, this isn't the first time he has done something like this - last Christmas he just announced that he had ordered a £1k massive TV without discussing it with me...

I am pretty sensitive about stuff like this, as my Ex was a total commitment phobe and never considered my opinion on anything to do with his life, so I just feel a little hurt and insecure.

AIBU??

sebsmummy1 Wed 18-Dec-13 18:58:53

My hairdresser has just asked me when im getting married, I said I have no idea he hasn't asked.

I just relayed the conversation to my OH via message as he is out tonight. I said 'I told her you didn't want to (get married)'. He said ' I never said that'. I said 'ok, I told her you haven't asked me'. He has not answered that lol. He will now go out for his work piss up.

I'm inwardly chuckling to myself as I generally don't mention it, but every now and then I quite enjoy watching his rabbit in the headlights expression.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 17:20:09

Bela I know what you're saying, and I agree. But there are lots of reasons why this isn't right for me.

1. I was badly hurt by a really commitment phobic ex. I would say things like 'right, when are we getting married' only to be fobbed off time and again.

2. My sister and mother both 'pushed' their DHs into agreeing to get married. I don't want that for myself. My sister always says she regretted not having the whole 'down on one knee proposal' thing, because she pre-empted it by dragging pushing her DH into agreeing. I really need to experience something different.

3. I'm an old romantic. I want a proposal. DP wants to propose. We both want this (just disagreeing on the timescale)

4. DP has proposed to someone else once (his ExW), so I kind of need him to do that for me as well. Silly I know, but that's what I want.

Also, to clarify, I have indeed said to DP "Right, when are we going to get married then"... to which he just replies "not yet, but soon".. What else can I do without proposing myself, which I don't want to do?

I know I'm being a pathetic weak woman hanging on waiting for a man to propose. I don't like it, but in the long term I want to be able to look back on the day he proposed and be happy.

It's just pure sentimentality - but it's how I feel and what I want.

Buddhagirl Wed 18-Dec-13 17:13:49

I think Yabu. His money, his choice, I bet he just wanted it and didn't want a discussion about it.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 17:12:14

Darkest - No, he didn't say that about her, that's my interpretation uncharitable he has been more than fair to her, to the point that she walked all over him. I just have issues with how she behaved, but it's nothing to do with me as its all in the past.

LaQueen thanks for putting a new perspective on it. I am fine with his financial independence, but I just wasn't sure whether this sort of thing was something other people would normally discuss. Good to hear that in your relationship, it is a normal thing to do.

If it was a car, I would have no issue at all with it - which tells me it's not about the money - it's just that it was a personal thing that his friends knew all about and I didn't. That's what hurt me.

But anyway, we're over it now. He bought me a lovely bouquet of flowers to apologize for being thoughtless. flowers and we've moved on.

BelaLugosisShed Wed 18-Dec-13 17:09:54

I'll ask again cosy - why do you have to wait for him to propose?

I really don't understand, if your relationship is serious enough to have a child together, it's serious enough to get a little piece of paper to sew up the legal side of things.

I'm damn sure my DD has the gumption to say "right, when are we getting married then" to a man she wants children with, it's precisely what I did almost 30 years ago.

This waiting for a man to ask nonsense belongs in the past, it's a way of handing over power to someone, power over your future.

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre Wed 18-Dec-13 17:01:46

It would depend on the state of your finances, so long as all the bills were taken care of, and your DP paid his share of everything and your money was independent (as I think you say it is), then in your shoes I really wouldn't feel perturbed about this.

Back in the day, when I earned a professional salary, too, and we had no DDs, DH and I rarely discussed our individual spending. I once bought a new soaf for our home without him knowing, and he bought at least 2 cars without checking with me, at all. In fact, now I think about it, I also bought a car, almost on a whim while he was away on holiday.

But, we're both easy with this level of independence - if you're not, then it's worth raising it with your DP.

Darkesteyes Wed 18-Dec-13 16:43:11

He said his ex was a money grabbing cowbag.

I can imagine my ex saying similar about me..........just because i wanted the luxury of having toilet roll in the flat.

sebsmummy1 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:48:13

Wishing you the best xx

Upcycled Wed 18-Dec-13 14:12:51

It's a good thing to be able to vent anonymously and get honest answers. Of course we all project one way or another as people's opinions are based on their experience.

All the best.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 13:35:56

not sure exactly what you were expecting to hear?

I guess I just needed a place to vent about him being bloody stupid! I should have expected the reaction that I got.

Lesson learned! Thank you for being kind though, life is pretty confusing for me at the moment so I'm just a bit sensitive.

Joysmum Wed 18-Dec-13 13:35:33

You're quite right, there is a hell of a lot of projection goes on. Those that have been burnt will tend to look for the worst in everything, those in happy relationships tend to look for the good.

So glad you've got perspective to recognise that when so many who are vulnerable wouldn't be able to.

Have a great Christmas and new year!

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 13:32:59

Sorry Upcycled I was just feeling a bit sensitive to all the negative stuff, and took it the wrong way. Apologies.

No special plans for Christmas - he told me he won't propose for Christmas as he wants it (proposal) to be special in itself outside of the usual Christmas stuff.

DP and I have talked lots about this now, and I'm feeling a lot better.

I know, I brought this thread on myself! Thanks everyone for lots of different viewpoints. Plenty of food for thought!

Upcycled Wed 18-Dec-13 13:29:45

Hi OP just wondering if there was any unusual plans for Christmas as he could be planning a surprise proposal for you.

You come here and ask a bunch of strangers very personal questions and got a range of answers, not sure exactly what you were expecting to hear?

Only your partner can tell you exactly what is going on, take no notice on us.

CosyTeaBags Wed 18-Dec-13 12:30:10

Thank you Writerwannabe for a voice of reason. Yes, he's not 100% perfect, but he's about 90% there. He's a little scared of commitment because his wife ran off with another man and turned into a money grabbing cowbag, and has moments of selfishness in buying himself stuff without discussing it with me. That is all.

I'm not sure why Christmas arrangements are relevant - but yes, of course we are spending Christmas together. We live together and we love each other - why wouldn't we be spending christmas together?.

I think there is a hell of a lot of projection on this and other threads. My fault, I asked for it I know.

But thank you all for your input and perspective. Some say what he did was fine and I'm over reacting - others think I should leave him and stop TTC a much longed for (by both of us) child.

Good to know we're all different eh!

Upcycled Tue 17-Dec-13 14:40:05

Hi OP. Are you spending Christmas together? What is the arrangement?

OTheHugeManatee Tue 17-Dec-13 11:30:44

I think you'd be crackers to get yourself pregnant by this man, at least until he makes good on his promise to marry you. Right now you're financially independent, own your own place etc etc but once a baby comes along you need to be much more interdependent. If he's even showing the faintest whiff of uncertainty about commitment to you then don't do it.

You mention your last boyfriend was a commitment phobe too. Is this a pattern for you?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 11:05:40

As long as they are 75% perfect that's good enough grin

Nobody is 100% - even us women! though we are much closer to the mark grin

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 10:51:17

If it would make op happy for ever after, I hope so too.

Do I think this man is good marriage material? Nope.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Dec-13 10:40:43

I don't know.....maybe he has got a beautiful proposal already planned for Christmas or New Year that has been organised for ages?? Maybe that's why he's being so vague, to throw the OP off the scent....

I hope he has!!! smile

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:52:23

grin

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 09:43:41

I fear "Christmas" may never come.....

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:31:45

Yes. This year. Not wait another whole year!

MerryFuckingChristmas Tue 17-Dec-13 09:15:18

Christmas 2013 ?

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:11:32

What? Some wise words! Sorry

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Dec-13 09:10:59

He may propose over Christmas/new year. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. If he doesn't, done size words have been spoken.

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