to wonder why men are almost always the non-resident parent

(508 Posts)

Yes, I know I could win an award for most clueless person, but please humour me.

Why is it that when parents separate, it's almost always the mother that the children live with and who has to do the bulk of the mundane parts of the childcare? While daddy gets to pay a cash sum each week, pursue his own interests most of the time and then be Disney the rest of the time.

Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 15-Dec-13 20:16:38

I have only my own experience to go on.

When we separated, as in, the day we agreed to split, there was no discussion about what would happen with the dcs, exp said "how much do you want for the boys?" And suggested a figure which i accepted and then he walked upstairs and packed a bag.

Since then i have asked for 50/50 care which he refused, asked for more midweek care which he refused And i struggle to get him to arrive or sometimes at all for dcs on the every other weekend he is due to have them. Of those weekends he is now having his girlfriend mind them one day and his mum for one whole night and day at her house.

What does that tell you?

annieorangutan Sun 15-Dec-13 20:16:52

Lots of men would like to have more custody of their children

KingRollo Sun 15-Dec-13 20:18:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youretoastmildred Sun 15-Dec-13 20:18:31

In this country, in theory at least, the principle according to which things like this are legally decided is the welfare of the child(ren). So not actually about what the parents would like, or how much either would miss their children.

I read on a step-parenting thread on here recently that parents with custody should not expect the NRP ever to take them, that, having decided to have children with the wrong partner, (s)he needs to be a parent 24/7 for ever. It might inconvenience the NRP's new partner, you see.

autumnsmum Sun 15-Dec-13 20:18:35

I know one case where the dad is the resident parent but the mum has a substance abuse problem

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:18:47

I've been on mixed male and female forums and men don't complain about this problem anywhere near as much as females hmm

A lot of fathers also worked out that if you have 50/50 you don't have to pay CSA too wink

fluffyraggies Sun 15-Dec-13 20:19:21

If DH and I ever separated he would fight me like a dog to get at least 50/50 if not residency of our kids.

You know what welsh, 7 years ago i would have sworn the same would be true of my XH. We were together 14 years, 3DDs. When we split he insisted i stayed close by with the DDs so he could do 50/50.

How long did that last? Erm ... about no days! He made excuse after excuse about being busy at work and within 6 weeks had moved in with a GF an hours drive away. Didn't worry me as i was dreading being parted from the girls (although i would have done the 50/50 if he'd stuck to it, for their sake)

My non bitter and twisted answer to the OP would be that i would guess in most cases it's down to the fact that the male half of the partnership was earning more money and was in full time work, so it makes sense to carry on. In our case we asked the kids what they would like to do and they were firm about wanting to come with me. (no courts involved) Once they are a certain age the? kids get a say, legally, don't they?

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:19:44

Mine used to send ds back if he was ill, the football was on or he had to go out for some reason hmm

All that means is they don't post about it. It doesn't mean it's not happening.

annieorangutan Sun 15-Dec-13 20:20:59

Fluffy but was he really hands on whilst in the relationship?

KingRollo Sun 15-Dec-13 20:21:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:22:37

I'm sure they'd post about it if it was happening because they like to moan and slag their ex partners off.

Some men may make better fathers and should have main residence, but most don't and are lazy good time dads.

WorraLiberty Sun 15-Dec-13 20:23:42

Courts are extremely biased towards women, as are police.

My ex BIL took the kids and left his ex after a row, and was told by the police to bring them straight back. They turned up at his Mother's house and point blank refused to leave until he agreed.

Yet his kids mother would up and leave with them at the drop of a hat, and as long as they were safe the police didn't give a shit.

Then there's the stupid amount of money he had to pay for 18 months of court cases that were dragged out.

Oh, mine was one of those "best dads ever", adamant he wanted full custody and failing that 50/50. He was going to make sure dd lived with him not me. Theeeeen... nothing. We haven't heard from him for nearly six months now.

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:24:05

Mine stopped having ds1 for weekends when he found out I was seeing dh (before we married) hmm

CMOTDibbler Sun 15-Dec-13 20:24:20

I know one person where the children live entirely with their father, no overnights with their mum - older teens when they split, boys chose.

But a friend who recently split with his emotionally and financially abusive wife when she presented him with divorce docs one day, found out a couple of weeks later she'd been seeing a drug user for over a year was told he had no chance at all of being the resident parent because basically it would be on him to show she was unfit to be so.

yellowGiraffe8 Sun 15-Dec-13 20:24:30

Yabu. I would fight with every last penny I had to keep residency of my kids. I am very grateful that I have residency, I have a part time career to support them and ex has never challenged residency.

In my circle of friends all the mums were either given residency or fought for it. Who are you to say it's a bad deal? No one made us take residency, we wanted it. If you don't want it there's nothing stopping you giving it to the father. If he doesn't want to care for your kids either you can put them up for adoption. No one makesyyou have kids or look after them. A lot of parents fight to keep residence, your poor children if you consider looking after them 'mundane'.

mistermakersgloopyglue Sun 15-Dec-13 20:25:42

I know its wrong, but I will admit that when I come across a family where it is the mother that is the non resident parent, I always sit up and take much more notice, and wonder about the situation far more than if it is the father. Particularly if the children rarely see their mother.

I know a family where the divorced mother and father split the care totally 50/50 and their son spends equal time at both houses (although his school his significantly closer to mum's house). He is a lovely and well adjusted little boy, but I think both of the parents were very anxious about how their divorce would affect him.

Because in my own experience ex left because he couldn't handle responsibility and family life. He certainly has no interest in 50% custody. In fact we are now on week 2 of zero contact whatsoever.

KingRollo Sun 15-Dec-13 20:27:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:27:54

I know a family where the father is the main carer and the mother doesn't bother.

His mother (paternal grandmother) is doing all the hard work of raising them and doing the day to day stuff whilst he swans round with his gf, so even when they do have residence they palm their kids off.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 15-Dec-13 20:28:10

In my exes case, he chose me to be the resident parent, and he'd make an appearance every 6 weeks, his choice also.

hiddenhome Sun 15-Dec-13 20:29:20

I'm sorry, but men are like cats.........they come first and everyone else just has to fit in and they will do stuff if and when they choose.

Coldlightofday Sun 15-Dec-13 20:29:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Sun 15-Dec-13 20:30:49

annie - in a nut shell he was present in their/our lives physically, but not mentally. He was either at work or at home, but wasn't interested in 'family life'. I walked in the end. And very sadly he is now even more of a distant presence in his daughters lives. Sees them once every 6 weeks or so. For a few hours. His choice. His loss.

(shuts self up! grin)

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