To not want to see my friend after this revelation.....

(106 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:11:32

I have a friend that I have known for 14 years now. When we were younger we were really close but then as life got in the way we didn't see each other as often. These days we meet up for a good old chat every few months and go out for a meal etc and I'm due to be seeing her this Monday.

My sister just phoned me, who is also friends with his girl, and told me that this afternoon our friend confided that she has started seeing a married man who also has children - the youngest of which is only a baby of 5 months old shock My friend, despite being 32 has never had a serious relationship, she goes from disaster to disaster, she lets men lie to her and use her, she goes for the wrong type all the time, sleeps with men because she thinks they will then like her etc etc - I'm sure you get the picture. But I never, ever, ever thought she would go this far.

My sister was really upset as she has not long broke up with the father of her children (after 10 years together) because it transpired he was having an affair. Our friend can't understand why my sister is so upset and sees no problem with what she is doing. Apparently our friend is convinced this is something special and has "never felt anything like it..." She was complaining to my sister that she never gets to see this guy because the baby is taking up all his time.

Now, I'm absolutely dreading seeing her. I'm upset on my sisters behalf but also, I'm currently pregnant and I know I will sitting there, listening to her talk about it like it isn't an issue, whilst imagining that it could be me at home with the new born whilst the husband is out cheating. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay friendly or calm with her....

I'm tempted to just text her and cancel.
I know we shouldn't be judgemental, but I really don't think I can sit there and listen to her or face her.

I would be so judgemental. Not only would I cancel, I would tell her exactly why I was cancelling.

What she's doing is dreadful. What the man is doing is even worse.

mrspremise Sat 14-Dec-13 17:15:42

I think you've made your own decision in your OP. If you don't agree with it, you should be able to be upfront about your feelings without worrying about being called 'judgemental'. smile

Pancakeflipper Sat 14-Dec-13 17:17:43

If you don't want to meet then cancel.
She will at some point want to know why you are avoiding her. I know it's obvious to you but she's on another planet at the moment.
If she is someone you care about you could add that you will be there after he's had his fun and ends it.
She sounds mixed up and lonely but that's no justification to have an affair.

HanneHolm Sat 14-Dec-13 17:18:36

do oyu KNOW this to be true

yourself?

lougle Sat 14-Dec-13 17:22:31

Your friend is no different now than then. If you can't cope with her decision, then your friendship is over, isn't it? She's wrong to be seeing a married man but he's (more) wrong too.

I would speak to her and find out if it is true first.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:23:24

Well my sister has been with our friend this afternoon and that's when she told her - so yes, it is true. It would be a very odd thing for my sister to make up wouldn't it?! My sister was genuinely upset.

HanneHolm Sat 14-Dec-13 17:25:39

i had similar with a mate
i called her a bloody fool, and that was it/

she is now with the guy and much happier. It wasnt my relationship to disapprove of, my loyalty was to her - not to judge her or withold firendship

Imo tell her you dont approve then move on

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 14-Dec-13 17:25:40

I've seen some great advice from Cogito on another thread about the same issue. Being a friend means giving someone space to make their own mistakes. Be a friend or don't. It's up to you, nobody minds either way.

I personally wouldn't - and didn't - ditch a friend for dating a married man, it's her business. I supported her when she fell apart and was a friend to her. Our friendship is broken (or fractured) but this is due to her not being much of a friend since the affair exploded, not because of the affair itself.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sat 14-Dec-13 17:27:53

She was complaining to my sister that she never gets to see this guy because the baby is taking up all his time. Judge away. In face could you judge a little extra for me too? I would tell her that I love her, will be there for her when this relationship ends, but that I couldn't support her in this.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sat 14-Dec-13 17:28:30

*fact not face

RoseRedder Sat 14-Dec-13 17:29:01

Do you want to end your friendship over this?

You say she lets men lie to her and use her, she goes for the wrong type all the time, sleeps with men because she thinks they will then like her etc etc -

The man in question is more at fault than your friend.

She is single, he is married with a young family.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:30:22

I text my friend and asked her outright if she was seeing a married man who had a new baby.....she replied with various excuses and justifications etc. She told me that she hadn't known about his circumstances at first and then ended it when she found out but that she is still in contact with him. I asked her why only this afternoon then had she told my sister that she was seeing him, had been for months and has then been complaining that the baby was getting in the way but she hasn't replied....

She knows full well what my reaction would be to this news which is why she hasn't told me herself. I know for a fact we'd have gone out on Monday, spent hours together and she wouldn't have told me. My friend knows I'd tell her exactly what I thought whereas my sister doesn't find it quite so easy to tell it like it is.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:32:00

If it's 100% true then yanbu.
I'd want to hear it from her own mouth.

raisah Sat 14-Dec-13 17:32:15

I would meet up with her and tell her exactly what you said in your thread and then never see her again. I would explain that as she has no qualms about starting a relationship with a married man then she may do the same to me. So for that reason and for wanting to protect my own marriage, I would cut her loose. Her primary concern is her own pleasure, she isn't concerned about the negative implications that her behaviour will have on others. I couldn't be friends with somebody like that and that's my choice, I wouldn't judge somebody who chose to stand by her.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:33:18

The thing that gets me is that she knows what shit my sister went through when it came out her partner had been cheating. Our friend was so angry and so disgusted with the whole situation, especially the concept that men can do that when children are involved - but now she is the OW herself and bragging about it to my sister!!! I think that's what I feel so angry about.

raisah Sat 14-Dec-13 17:33:49

I would meet up with her and tell her exactly what you said in your thread and then never see her again. I would explain that as she has no qualms about starting a relationship with a married man then she may do the same to me. So for that reason and for wanting to protect my own marriage, I would cut her loose. Her primary concern is her own pleasure, she isn't concerned about the negative implications that her behaviour will have on others. I couldn't be friends with somebody like that and that's my choice, I wouldn't judge somebody who chose to stand by her.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Sat 14-Dec-13 17:38:09

I would do what others have suggested.

Tell her you can't support her in this, but you will be there when it goes wrong, which it will do.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:39:24

It doesn't help that she has quite a few personality traits that aren't nice. I think the only reason I still stay in touch is out of habit if that makes sense? She is a very selfish person, can't be happy for anyone else and in general is quite a difficult character. Not many people take to her at all. I'm sitting here trying to even think of a reason as to why I want to see her. When I told her I was pregnant she didn't even say congratulations (she is very jealous of anyone in relationships or having forms of commitment etc). I have had lots of problems during my pregnancy, both concerns about my health and baby, and not once has she even text to check if I'm ok. Don't get me wrong, she does have some very lovely characteristics too and she has had a hard life but she is a very defensive person and people in general just find it hard to like her.

honeythewitch Sat 14-Dec-13 17:40:22

Please bear in mind that what she said and what your sister heard might not be the same.
Without meaning to, we often mis-hear, or misinterpret, especially if we are shocked.

BerryChristmas Sat 14-Dec-13 17:40:29

None of your business. Tell her she's a fool if you must, but butt out after that.

ravenAK Sat 14-Dec-13 17:42:30

I'd agree with giving her space to make her own mistakes.

My best friend is going out with an utter abusive cockwomble who makes her behave like a self destructive arse. sad.

We've had a couple of frank exchanges about it.

The only thing that works is that we agree to disagree. There's no point endlessly discussing it further as neither of us is going to change our mind - the eventual outcome is going to be either that she marries him & our friendship is highly unlikely to survive that, or she comes to her senses/he dumps her & I open the champagne help her pick up the pieces.

In the meantime, I'm pissed off with certain aspects of her behaviour, but she's in a shitty situation, she's been very effectively cut off from all her other friends by the cockwomble - so I'm not going to stop being her friend before I absolutely have to, iyswim.

I'd just shut her up the minute she starts telling you about her married bloke tbh. Tell her calmly that you don't approve, but it's her life, & can you change the subject please?

Of course she may then flounce out on you, but you're no worse off...

Writerwannabe83 Sat 14-Dec-13 17:43:26

I know it's none of my business berry - that's my issue, lol. I don't want her to make it my business, I don't want her to tell me about it, I don't want to have to hear about it. But at the same time I can't just go out with her and act like what she is doing is fine. I will have no idea what to say to her because it will always be at the forefront of my mind - I can imagine the awkward silences....... hmm

foreverondiet Sat 14-Dec-13 17:50:23

I would go, hear it from her directly and then tell her in person what I think.

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