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To be unhappy with my parents if they go and my partner isnt

(75 Posts)
bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:49:14

Normally on xmas eve we go to my sister's in laws for a meal. This year was to be the same however I have just been informed by my sister, that my partner isnt invited however me and dd are. The reason being he is quite direct so when last year (his first year going) we didnt get food til 10pm, he moaned and also he finished his food before host got to the table (we were told to start and all did). Also my sister in laws and my parents spend a lot of each other so to reduce the spending decided to do a secret santa. My OH said he didnt want to do the secret as the amount set was more than he spends on his family members and why would he want to spend x amount on his sister in laws, sister in law oh!

Obviously my dc and I arent going to go but although havent explained to partner, we are invited just not him. But now I am feeling a bit exiled from the family at christmas.... as me, partner and dc are having christmas at our house (partner's mum and partner were invited but arent comin) and my mum and dad are going to my sisters with the in laws who they are with on xmas eve.

I now feel my mum and dad should on principle not go on xmas eve, it doesnt bother my partner if he goes or not (he is happy as means we arent having to rush around as he'll be at work in the day). But it has left me being left out and not really having a chance to seeing family over christmas for much of the time, when its my dc 1st xmas and my parents only grandchild. While the rest of them play happy families without us. (we were going to try and get to my sisters on xmas day after dinner at ours but its not really logistical possible to go and come back without it being ridiculously late or just going for an hour).

I can see both side my oh and sisters in law but really its me, my mum and sister who are missing out.

In essence should I insist my mum doesnt go, or get annoyed if she does? Or am I being hormonal????

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Dec-13 20:52:27

I can't believe they didn't invite your partner!!

Ok, he may have come across as a bit rude to them last year, but to purposely exclude him this year?? shock I would be fuming!!!

I don't really think you have any right to stop your parents doing whatever they want to though.....

scaevola Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:14

You cannot 'insist' that your family fall in with your wishes - either for your parents to reject an invitation that has already been offered and accepted, or that your sister invites someone she cannot bear to have in the house.

Either your DP steps up to the mark to build bridges to your family, or you get used to a different style of Christmas.

gamerchick Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:21

You are perfectly within your rights not to go.. I wouldn't either. (As an aside who thinks eating at 10pm when you have guests is acceptable?)

However...its not fair to control another person's actions just because you're miffed. Please don't put your mother in that position.

drudgetrudy Tue 10-Dec-13 20:54:32

I think YABU. It isn't up to you to tell your parents who to visit.

MammaTJ Tue 10-Dec-13 20:56:55

While the rest of them play happy families without us.

TBH, it doesn't sound that happy anyway! Leave them to it, enjoy your time with your family and don't deal with the stress. Sounds good to me!

TeeBee Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:03

The argument is nothing to do with your mum, I don't see why you are dragging her into it.

BitOfFunWithSanta Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:23

God no, don't escalate it!

Can't you just ask yor DP to apologise for being so rude 'direct'?

RedLondonBus Tue 10-Dec-13 20:57:46

You can't expect your parents to do what you want

I'd spend Xmas with DP/kids

Killinascullion Tue 10-Dec-13 21:00:04

YABU. Your DP isn't being direct, he's being rude as you are well aware.

When he grows up and learns some manners, I'm sure you'll be invited back to family parties. Until then, you will have to get used to spending Christmas with an arse.

Good luck!

Yellowcake Tue 10-Dec-13 21:01:26

Agree you can't tell other people whether or not to accept an invitation, whether or not you are pleased. It's petty and rude of your SIL not to invite your partner, but he was way more than 'direct' last year, he was obviously her idea of the guest from hell, complaining, bolting his food, refusing to buy a SS present. If that was his first year with your family, what would he have done this year?

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:01:59

I know if say this to my parents it will cause everything to blow up with my sisters in law but i then think about my dc 1st bday in april I would have invited as was close to them but now its like do i bother? N when we do have a get together for mothers day (and fathers day as we used to get together for them as well so my sister and her husband didnt have to split), its just going to be awkward.

Also at the xmas eve and xmas eve as normal is my brother in law, sister, her partner and soon to be newborn, so just feeling further exiled and isolated

Im just a bit upset as christmas is about being with family and big get together and now it will just be the 3 of us, so just any other day.

Ragwort Tue 10-Dec-13 21:02:29

Your partner sounds very rude, no wonder he wasn't invited back.

MrsMook Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:12

I don't understand what this has to do with your mum. Dragging her into someone else's argument is unreasonable.

He was rude about the secret santa. Serving food at 10pm is daft. Bolting the food isn't the politest, but she seems to have over reacted to that, especially if she said to start.

MadisonMontgomery Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:27

If it upsets you so much not to be invited, maybe you should tell your partner to apologise, then not to be such an arse in future?

BlingBang Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:33

It would be nice if you could all start with a clean slate. Your partner gets invited but has to understand not to be rude. Maybe your mum or sister could mediate and see if your SIL would relent (unless he was really quite foul) and you can speak to your partner about behaving himself.

BooBudolphMeowson Tue 10-Dec-13 21:09:37

Ragwort I completely agree

Ragwort Tue 10-Dec-13 21:10:26

I think your family are making it very clear that they do not like your partner, is he normally this rude and unpleasant ?

Spherical Tue 10-Dec-13 21:12:02

If you feel so strongly about it impacting on yours and your daughter's lives, maybe you should gently explain the real situation to your partner and how it may impact on future family focused days and ask him to think about trying to change his behaviour at gatherings with your family.

JodieGarberJacob Tue 10-Dec-13 21:13:35

Why wasn't his outburst last Christmas resolved months ago? An apology was all that was needed long before this year's invite went out. Also he needs to know that he isn't invited. Turning down invites for a secret reason can't go on forever. If you enjoy family get togethers it needs to be sorted properly out in the open now!

bella411 Tue 10-Dec-13 21:18:07

Nothing was said to my partner last year so unable to get him to apologise for something he wasnt aware of or was mentioned at the time or soon after. N the inlaw hasnt said anything to me, when I have seen her though out the year to know he needed to, or she wasnt afronted.

The SS is for this year and we told them in good time to my sister to keep it to the original so my mum,dad and me and them 3. Rather than expanding to include partners. Who we dont see from year to year. So he didnt say the line why would I buy them a present.

He does see christmas and family totally different from me, and his immediate family he cares about, others meh! So doesnt get the relationship we have with my sister's in law's

Tho how to get a grown man to stop being direct or saying things as they see them?? Let me know.

Also just to clarify I think i didnt apostrophe correct (missed a word out)it is my sister's mother in law who does the xmas eve and where he has been uninvited

neunundneunzigluftballons Tue 10-Dec-13 21:20:50

OP you should have your own event with your parents on another date.

Sirzy Tue 10-Dec-13 21:22:42

Your husband was rude, I can fully understand the family not wanting him there again.

You can't dictate where your parents go over christmas, it isn't their argument.

Blu Tue 10-Dec-13 21:23:00

Unless your DP has been this rude to your family all year, I think it is pretty bad of your SIL not to invite him. Is she your brother's wife? Can you talk to your bother?

Does your D care whether he goes or not? Would he care if you went without him, just to spend some time with your sister and parents?

Could your parents visit you on Christmas morning or evening?

neunundneunzigluftballons Tue 10-Dec-13 21:23:37

X post why do your parents go to their daughter's MIL for Xmas eve. I would run a seperate event that night, there is absolutely no need for you or your parents to go to that event.

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