To be furious!!!

(106 Posts)
MamaPingu Tue 10-Dec-13 19:11:52

I was in the bath with DS who is 13 weeks old. Me and DP bath with him sometimes then the other lifts him out dries him and gets him warm.

So tonight I get in the bath with DS and DP goes and watches tv for 5 minutes after refusing to do the pots, brilliant start.

Me and DS are having a lovely time he's kicking like mad and smiling. After a good 10 minutes I started shouting DP thinking he'd forgot. So I kept shouting over and over and banging on the glass wondering where he was.
So I filled the bath with more warm water as he was getting cold. Another 10 minutes passed and DS was getting cold again and was fed up. So I shouted and shouted and no reply. I had to get on my knees in the bath and get out with him as careful as I could which is dangerous in my opinion it's easy to slip in a bath.

I wrapped him up as quick as I could and walked into the living room pissed off. He wasn't there, I went up the stairs and he was fast asleep on the bed!!!! angry

I am absolutely furious I shouted for him to get up and told him how we'd been waiting ages and could have slipped getting out of the bath.
He said "I told you I was tired sad" in a whingy tone

What a moron!!!! I am fuming angry

MrsGarlic Thu 12-Dec-13 22:47:07

He was fine once I figured out how to feed lying down... he would then feed to sleep and settle on his back and was fine. However if I ever tried to lift him into his cot, at any point in his sleep cycle, he would wake either immediately or within 15 minutes. He still does. It was bizarre, perhaps the mattress wasn't comfortable for him? Either way we now still cosleep and he does go to sleep on his front. I believe it's fine to put babies down on their fronts once they are able to roll, anyway.

Norudeshitrequired Thu 12-Dec-13 22:10:47

Mrs Garlic - did your baby like sleeping on his back alone? My baby would only sleep on me or hubby or on his back in his crib for more than 10 minutes. And yes, I am well aware that babies are not supposed to sleep on their backs or in bed with their parents (on their parents), but for some babies there is no choice (especially as he would scream and try to turn over if lay on his tummy alone)

MrsGarlic Thu 12-Dec-13 22:01:42

See if I ever tried to peel my sleeping son off me he'd wake up and scream fsad

drudgetrudy Thu 12-Dec-13 21:58:40

I would be irritated at him not doing what he said he would and not bothering to tell me but its not worth an argument, you both need some sleep and the pots will wait

Norudeshitrequired Thu 12-Dec-13 21:35:17

Yes we are all different.
I suppose I just assumed that all babies sleep at some point as mine did, although it was often on my husband. One of my babies suffered terrible colic and could only sleep on one of us as it seemed to soothe his tummy enough for him to settle. My husband is a terrible fidgety sleeper, but when baby was sleeping on him he never moved an inch; I used to peel baby off my husbands tummy when they were both in a very deep sleep and put baby in the crib. After the colicky stage was over baby slept very well at night in the crib and for a couple of hours during the day too. I suppose I was just lucky after the colic stage and so I have no real understanding of what it's like to live with a baby who doesn't sleep much or a husband Who is useless.

MrsGarlic Thu 12-Dec-13 13:33:19

norudeshitrequired at night he would sleep on my chest, I would sleep too because needs must, but it was hardly comfortable, plus I still had to sit up and feed him during the night (hadn't mastered feeding lying down at that stage). During the day, no, I didn't sleep. I didn't find it TOO bad other than the nights where he decided to wake every hour and I felt a bit zombie-like. I am truly amazed at how little sleep I managed to live off and still be active TBH. He is 11 months old now and usually goes to bed around 8pm, I feed him at 11pm (when I go to bed) and 5am then a breakfast feed at 8am. It is heavenly, although I appreciate other women might find it hard. We are all different.

Jeez yanbu, he was being a selfish arse and I would have been fuming too. As someone said, if he fell asleep on the sofa that's one thing, but he actually came upstairs to bed and conveniently forgot that he needed to help you get out of the bath. No he didn't, he came upstairs knowing you were in the bath and decided you could get out on your own and went to sleep. Tbh he sounds like a lazy selfish immature cocklodger.

I always bathed with my babies as my arthritis made holding them an emptying baby tubs etc too hard. I would sit sideways in the tub letting them lie in the nestlike pool between my legs. I could breast feed from there and we would stay in for an hour often while I read and they fed or slept, warm water topped up as needed. Then I had a towel laid on a changing may on the floor and would lift baby over the side on to the towel, wrap it around them and let them dry like that while I washed and dried myself. My husband wasn't needed.

Sorry yours was being a muppet, though. Next time prepare before you go in so you can manage on your own. I loved my relaxing reading baths with babies smile

maddy68 Thu 12-Dec-13 00:40:12

Leave the bloody pots until tomorrow, you both sound stressed and knackered. Put it into perspective. How important will those pits be in 5 years time from now.
Both of you need some sleep

foreverondiet Thu 12-Dec-13 00:31:21

Why did you need him to help you get out the bath? You just hold your baby and get out? Or am I missing something?

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Wed 11-Dec-13 21:25:40

It's really not that unusual for 13 wk old babies to be up every couple of hours in the night ime, and iirc, mine very rarely napped for a full hour or more in the day unless they were in a moving car or buggy. It's utter nonsense to claim that the father of a new baby is anywhere near as tired as the mother unless he's doing an equal share of the night wakings, which, given that he can't even wash a few pots, sounds fairly unlikely. Add in that he works 30 hours and lives half the time at his mummy's (so no disturbed sleep those nights, and presumably getting the fully catered 'feckless manchild' hotel experience) and it sounds even more ridiculous.

Any excuse though, for an aibu pile on to a sleep deprived new mum though eh?

Norudeshitrequired Wed 11-Dec-13 21:00:59

Do your babies not sleep at all at night or duringthe day unless they are on you and you are awake? If that's the case then how do you get any sleep or do you spend the first six months of baby's life awake literally 24-7?

peppinagiro Wed 11-Dec-13 14:12:32

Same here MrsGarlic. Sleep when the baby sleeps? Hahahaaaa! Next person who suggests that is getting a slap. My baby will also only sleep on me, in a sling, moving. My husband definitely feels like he gets a break by going to work. He had a week off with us and was exhausted by the end of it.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Wed 11-Dec-13 14:11:47

oh i like these threads. you know the ones, where everyone is in such a rush to tell the new mum of a new baby how shit and pathetic she is for finding simple tasks difficult or daunting, and how they used to go base jumping with hour old quintuplets strapped to their chests etc etc, that they miss the fact that actually she is nbu and is putting up with some unreasonable shit.

if op had posted 'my dh is really pissed off with me because i went and fell asleep five minutes after i'd say i'd help him bath the baby' she would also be getting called all the cunts of the day as well. lesson: you can't win on aibu, everyone has their own agenda. repost on relationships about your idle manchild op; he sounds like a rare treat.

MrsGarlic Wed 11-Dec-13 13:57:48

"They don't take into account that it's perfectly possible for them to catch up on sleep in the daytime whilst baby sleeps whereas the working person doesn't have that option."

Hahahahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Yeah it's possible now he's 11mo and will sleep by himself. It wasn't really possible at 13 weeks when he'd only sleep in a moving buggy or upright on me. Depends on the baby and the job... my husband thinks I have the harder job at home with a Velcro baby than he does in a cushy desk job, not to mention the frequent night wakings too which he sleeps right through (not his fault, I am BFing).

Norudeshitrequired Wed 11-Dec-13 13:42:26

Tantrum - have you never intended to do something and then fallen asleep? My impression is that the OPs partner was on the bed waiting to get baby out of the bath and fell asleep (which is what I would be doing, rather than running up and down the stairs). There isn't anything sinister or premeditated in somebody falling asleep, I can fall asleep within 2 minutes if I am very tired.

ShinyBauble Wed 11-Dec-13 12:46:16

He sounds like a waste of space. If he contributes so little why are you putting up with him? Have a look at your situation dispassionately and consider whether he is worth continuing with.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 11-Dec-13 11:44:41

Then if you are that tired you say "listen I'm going to sleep for a bit. Can you deal with the bath"

That's rational. Saying yes, and then going upstairs to bed is not.

The OP said he went upstairs to go to sleep. There was no other reason. He didnt fall asleep in the chair or standing up.

He thought, actually im tired, I need a lie down. Which of course is absolutely fine. It's not fine to leave someone waiting for you while you do it.

Norudeshitrequired Wed 11-Dec-13 10:58:08

If someone agrees to do something, then they go upstairs and fall asleep, it's going to piss you off isn't it?

Or you are a rational understanding person who thinks they must have been exhausted to fall asleep that quickly.

Jengnr Wed 11-Dec-13 10:43:59

People are being really unkind about the bath thing I think.

The baby is 13 weeks old. She's still in the situation where she's terrified she's going to break him and they've got themselves into a routine of doing things this way whilst she builds up her confidence.

Give her a bloody break.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons Wed 11-Dec-13 10:39:54

The thing, everyone who keeps saying "why do you need help with the bath, it's not about the bath.

If someone agrees to do something, then they go upstairs and fall asleep, it's going to piss you off isn't it?

It's not about whether you can do it yourself, it's the fact that he said he would come and take the baby. He didnt come back a minute later and say actually I'm too tired I'm going for a lie down, he just went.

People are supposed to do what they say they are going to do, not just change their minds and not tell anyone. It's rude and disrespectful IMO

Norudeshitrequired Wed 11-Dec-13 10:32:46

Okay I have read back and realise that he stays at his mums due to location of work. He only works 30 hours according to the OP, but if his work is so far that he has to stay at his mums then he must be travelling fairly long distances too which is also quite tiring (especially as he has no car so has to use public transport).
I think too many women get into this resentment that the man doesn't deserve to be tired as he only goes to work whilst I am here looking after this demanding baby all day everyday. They don't take into account that it's perfectly possible for them to catch up on sleep in the daytime whilst baby sleeps whereas the working person doesn't have that option.

Norudeshitrequired Wed 11-Dec-13 10:27:27

Why is he staying at his mums most of the week? Is it anything to do with maximising benefits? Location for work? They don't get on?
If they have a baby together and are still a couple then they should do their upmost to live together and pull their weight equally, rather than bicker about being left in a bath with a baby.

jammiedonut Wed 11-Dec-13 10:26:08

Hector that's how I do it, I don't ever try to get out whilst still carrying baby! Op, I know the thread has moved on from the bath. I can see why you were upset. I have a friend in the same position. In my mind you've got three options. 1) Leave, and do it on your own 2) Have a good talk and try to hash out a solution whereby he agrees that he needs to do more and pull his weight 3) Accept that you can cope and never NEED or expect his contribution. My friend astonishingly chose option 3 and has never been happier, but she had to teach herself to let go of the resentment. She realised that the PA and bitterness was only damaging her, and having no effect on him, so there was no point in it anymore. Her dh in turn realised she no longer needed him and has bucked up his ideas now he knows she'll only stay because she WANTS to, not because she NEEDS to. There was obviously a lot of love in that relationship and she desperately didn't want to leave him, so tried everything!
I'm not sure I've explained it too well but hth.

FoxyRoxy Wed 11-Dec-13 10:08:36

Have people missed the post where the op said her 'd'p stays at his mums most of the week? She's looking after the baby on her own on those nights so I think she probably is more tired.

Op yabu to expect your child's father and your partner to pull his weight and not be a bellend.

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