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to be so upset with dds friend, and never allow her in the house again

(168 Posts)
LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 10:20:02

or to have a word with her mother.

dd had a birthday party sleepover, she was 16.
she had four friends round.
it was fine, a few grumbles. me and dh did a big tidy in preparation.

apart from the shower curtain, that isnt very pleasant but tbh i did not expect anyone to have a shower in the morning.

anyone one friend - reminds me of a girl i went to college with - insufferable snob. but they all like her. had a shower, i dont know if that was it, but apparently on the way home she told anotehr friend she needed another shower to get over being at our house!
sad
dd has only just plucked up the courage to tell me, nearly 6 months after the event.
these 4 friends are apparently anglying for anotehr invite.

tell me she is only 16 and I should get over it but I am so upset.

Gruntfuttock Wed 11-Dec-13 19:53:49

I regularly soak my shower curtain in a bleach solution in a large bucket for a few hours, then wash it in the washing machine. When it's finished spinning I hang it back up again as it's nearly dry. It looks like new.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 11-Dec-13 19:45:50

I used to soak my shower curtain in a bleach solution in he bath every now and then to get it clean. Have shower with a door now which is easier.

OP, I would leave it. If that's the only comment she's made it sounds like teen thoughtlessness. I think at 16 a mouldy shower curtain would have made me feel a bit ugh.

starkadder Wed 11-Dec-13 19:38:16

Yay for new shower curtain smile.

Mould comes off mine in washing machine...maybe I have a superpower washing machine (I think not) or pathetic mould....

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 14:39:33

Oh bless you and indeed YEEYfsmile for the new shower curtain!!
Hope you feel a bit more relaxed about it all now?xx

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 08:39:23

Lucy, you can get a spray on mould killer with bleach to get rid of any mould spores that are settling on the grouting and window ledges. I use one. (And yes I know shower curtains don't come clean because it's not dirt but fungus!!) It doesn't mean you are dirty but it does mean your bathroom isn't properly ventilated -you need to open the windows quite a bit to let out steam/condensation, etc. I fight a constant battle with this, and it makes everyone have allergic symptoms, which is why I say you need to clean it off with a spray, because it will could start to make you/family have respiratory problems and itchy eyes, etc.

You sound knackered. Marigolds come in all sizes, big enough to fit 16 year old girls and well as boys and men. I think they all need a pair. Something to put on their Christmas list...

Glad you are having a more peaceful Christmas. Good luck with the hoarders.

wordfactory Wed 11-Dec-13 08:37:08

For a number of teen-related reasons, we are (too bloody) often the sleep over venure of choice.

My (extensive) experience of them is that if they're for convenience and the DC intend to do something the next day, they will shower.

However, if the sleep over is the point of the exercise, a party in onesies if you will, and there are hordes of them, they don't. In fact, they will still be in their onesies, cupping huge mugs of hot chocolate with whippy cream and marshmallows, hair and teeth unbrushed, when their parents arrive to pick them up.

LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 23:32:33

when my dd was about 6 she went to a sleepover - several times to this particular girls, but she didnt like their bathroom. she told me, but she wouldn't have told anyone else. and neither would i,
unfortunately 16 year olds are different from 6 year olds in that respect, unless of course her friend would hve Told at the age of 6 as well as the Age of 16 hmm

i have forgiven my dd's friend <<for now>> and ignore those of you who tell me to clean up! <<convenient>>
cheers.

ICameOnTheJitney Tue 10-Dec-13 23:27:16

Lucy most people shower first thing...it's reasonable to clean your curtain as mould is very unhealthy. I see you're getting a new one. Try to keep the place clean as it's better for everyone.

K8Middleton Tue 10-Dec-13 23:19:28

Good for you. I hope things work out for you flowers

LucyLasticKnickers Tue 10-Dec-13 23:17:49

thank you for all your comments. I do feel loads better now, and I have a NEW shower curtain ! fgrin yay.

I have had a word with DH, a few months ago, I was so upset, and It did look better, <<until DS landed up with a huge TV in our sitting room, waiting to be sorted - hoarding is obviously hereditory>>
so that is a start.
and the shower curtains never come clean in the washing machine. <<mould I think>>
I see them in the supermarket but from now on I will buy a new one.

flowers

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 22:39:22

If mould is the problem it will not wash off. It's fungi not dirt (sorry to be pedantic about such a small point, when the discussion moved away from that).

That being said, we don't even know what the girl took exception to.

starkadder Tue 10-Dec-13 22:23:12

She was rude. But best to just forget it, unless she is also unpleasant to your daughter, in which case support your daughter.

You know you can put shower curtains in the washing machine?

Dancergirl Tue 10-Dec-13 22:18:38

OP, just be relieved its not your dd with such bad manners!

Dancergirl Tue 10-Dec-13 22:16:57

Whether the house is clean or dirty is completely irrelevant here.

The girl was rude and personally if my daughter had made a comment like that I would be mortified.

Good manners mean keeping your feelings to yourself about other people's houses.

I have an aversion to shower curtains-fucking hate them.

OP get a screen, much better.

She was rude but clearly not that bothered if she's after staying again? Think nothing else of it.

stooshe Tue 10-Dec-13 21:08:35

OP. Just try and keep your home clean. If you have to go "Rambo" to get your husband to sort out his hoarding problem, do so. I think that his hoarding has discouraged you from making a consistent effort. You don't have to have a" showhome". I wouldn't listen to the "nasty, but proud" brigade on here. You keep things relatively clean, they last longer. Nothing wrong with "mismatched" stuff. I'm one of those "if I like it, it matches" types. Ambience is the key. I come from a culture of "make shit shine". The reverse snobbery of "not giving a fuck" about cleanliness is probably why we have so much 'elf and safety" over here. To save people from their own dang selves.
Do a little every day (good exercise and quite mind cleansing, actually) and live by the rule that a bathroom and kitchen cannot be too clean. Nobody really wants to drink out of a glass when they visit a nasty home, or shower, whilst cringing away from a manky shower curtain. Polite people do, but it is rude to expect them to.
I'm surprised on a site where self awareness is often championed that many are jumping to the "bitchy judgeypants" conclusion for those who are not a friend of bad hygiene.... what is a person supposed to think? OP, there are bigger battles to fight in life than the right to keep a dirty home. Good luck!

blackandwhiteandredallover Tue 10-Dec-13 20:39:05

Don't stress about it- I think you did a really nice thing by letting your DD have a sleepover. I know what it's like- I grew up in a council house with mismatched furniture from the local charity, peeling wallpaper and a mum who liked to pile books all over the place. She would never let me have friends over to play- she always said 'I don't want your friends going home and telling their parents what an awful house we live in'. She was probably trying to protect me, but it meant that I very rarely got invited to parties or sleepovers, as I never had my own.

oldgrandmama Netherlands Tue 10-Dec-13 20:17:19

Years ago (talking 1970s here) my home seemed to be the unofficial play centre for the neighbourhood ...after school, son and daughter would come home with half a dozen or so schoolmates, to play in the house and garden. Whoever was around at teatime, stayed for tea (yes, parents were that relaxed those days, not anguishing where their kids had got to after school). But one day, a mother phoned me us and told me curtly that her son had complained that the baked beans on toast I'd provided as an impromptu tea for any kids around at teatime were COLD! That I was speechless doesn't do it justice! Yes, I should have banned her bloody child from ever darkening my doors again, but of course I didn't.

I think, reading OP's post and subsequent thread, that perhaps OP's underlying concern is her husband's hoarding. I know ALL about that - my father was a junk antique dealer and our entire, five floor house was absolutely crammed with 'stock', boxes and boxes of it and some freestanding. The flights of stairs had about six inches of tread visible, with boxes, crap, each side and all the bedrooms of us kids were piled high with more boxes - and if one of us should be away, we'd return to find our bloody BED covered in more boxes.

Father just bought and bought but hated selling anything - think hoarding crossed with paranoia, in case someone might actually BUY something for, say, a tenner, and then sell it for eleven quid ... the thought that buyer had MADE A QUID drove my father crazy. So he sold practically nothing but kept buying. He and my mother were also chronic depressives. Happy days ...!

Our house's condition was so 'eccentric' it became, weirdly, almost a 'must visit' for my schoolmates, which was lucky for me, as I could so easily have become the class pariah. As it was, they angled for an invitation to the house, just to marvel at the state of it.

Mind you, I'm still marvelling at the sang froid of the girls who were there on the occasion of my fifteenth birthday party (my poor mother did try to make an effort at parties - her speciality was prawn vol-au-vents and wallnut cake). My father, in one of his massive sulks where he didn't speak to any of us for, usually, a fortnight, but took to his bed with tactical 'flu', suddenly appeared on the stairs, clad in his woollen long-johns, carrying a chamberpot full of urine! In as dignified a stalk as any man could manage in yellowing woollen longjohns bearing a pot of piss, he silently plodded past my friends and into the bathroom!

My schoolmates never referred to this afterwards, bless them - but it makes a slightly manky shower curtain seem pretty insignificant. But I'm trying to say that I do sympathise with OP about her husband's hoarding - it's so difficult and trying to get them to sort it a huge struggle. My mother never managed it and eventually divorced the old man. When he died, his house was still crammed from attic to cellar with junk, sorry, antiques.

MadeOfStarDust Tue 10-Dec-13 20:08:08

there is messy and there is dirty...

my dd comes home from most sleepovers just hyper about the friends, the stuff, the sweets, the games , the music etc.....

one she came home from saying she will not sleep there again as it was dirty. she even came home without brushing her teeth because the sink was foul .... and my DD is not that fussy to be honest...

So I think the girl must have been "playing to the crowd", as if it was that bad she would not have taken a shower at yours anyhow...

YouTheCat Tue 10-Dec-13 19:42:12

I'd expect a 5 year old to have better manners.

OP, my house is a mess of stuff and dust. But dd's friends always say it feels really cosy.

Get a new shower curtain. Let your dd have a sleepover if she wants one. Tell your mother to bugger off about Christmas. And, finally, tell your dh to sort out his crap or you'll be getting a skip on January 2nd and chucking the lot in it.

Killinascullion Tue 10-Dec-13 19:42:09

My dad was a dreadful hoarder who used to take apart car engines etc on the table in the dining room. It wasn't really a dining room in those days but known as 'the back room' and had no floor covering or wallpaper. No-one went in there apart from dad and we lived in one room mostly. (This was the 80's so not that long ago.)

My poor mum never invited family to stay or allowed me to have friends to visit as she was so ashamed of the state of the whole house & garden.

After dad died, she cleared out all his crap, re-decorated, bought new furniture and had the garden cleared. She finally had a house she was able to enjoy and she was obviously much happier.

Mum was naturally a very clean and tidy person and I feel desperately sad that she lived in such squalor for as long as she did, but whilst dad was alive, she was powerless to change things.

To all those posters telling the OP to clean up the place and clear some of DH's stuff out, it might not be a realistic option for her until her DH changes his habits.

Helpmestaysane Tue 10-Dec-13 19:07:43

I think you are over reacting and blaming the girl... If it wasn't true you wouldn't be worried about it.
Clean the shower curtain and don't call her a snob, she's just a young girl, their house might be incredibly clean and tidy.... So can yours be if you want it to be, it's a choice.

My shower curtain gets mouldy within about a month....am off to wash it its disgusting!!!!!!!

Plomino Tue 10-Dec-13 19:01:10

Without wishing to defend this girl if what she allegedly said is true , how sure are you even that it IS true ?

I broke down on an isolated Norfolk country lane , in the middle of winter about 6 years ago , with a 6 month old in the car . Called the RAC , but they were busy and were going to take hours.DH at work in London , so I was on my own . So there we were sat , waiting to be rescued , when the woman from the one house on the lane comes out and asks if we want to come in and have a cup of tea . I bit her hand off , and we duly go in to find ourselves in what is obviously a house full of kids, clutter , and a slightly unconventional lifestyle . There were about 8 kids , all homeschooled and all immaculately well behaved , in fact they all took turns amusing DS , and the woman insisted on feeding us before the rescue truck arrived . They were great . They were also the family of the local evangelical church's pastor , as I found out when they invited us to a family day , but each to their own . I mentioned breaking down to a couple of school mums , but thought nothing of it .

3 days later , one of the older DS's friends was telling my DS on the school bus , that I had pronounced them 'rough' and slagged them off all over town . Which I know quite categorically isn't the case , because it simply isn't something I would do , because you never know who knows who where I live . So it may be that this 'friend ' could be talking bollocks in the first place .

DS has friends round occasionally . It's his responsibility to clean his room , the nearest bathroom , and the upstairs landing to a respectable standard , although to be honest it's usually fairly passable unless I've done 3 weeks of nights . I make a deal , if he cleans , I don't mind cooking something . That way it usually guarantees some food being left in the fridge and cupboards for the following day as I'm sure they're actually locusts in disguise . Win win .

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Tue 10-Dec-13 18:34:15

Well. No one knows if this was some dreadful queen bee bitching about a slightly discoloured shower curtain, or a group of friends having a concerned discussion about how their other friend's dad is a hoarder and their house is unsanitary (yes, shocker! 16 yo girls CAN SOMETIMES have good intentions). No one knows the context of the initial conversation, or the state of the op's house (although she does say her dh is a hoarder).

It is not 'bitchy' to suggest small ways to tackle cleaning when it seems overwhelming, nor is it snobby, judgy, holier than thou or boasty to think that it is better for children to grow up in a house with basic standards of hygiene that won't make them ill, cause an accident or make them feel ashamed to bring guests round.

What IS nasty is the assumption that if a poster's shower isn't in danger of giving them legionaire's disease then that means they are raising vile bitchy bullying children. What is unhelpful is the rush to assure op that hoarding behaviour (which she herself is unhappy with) is fine and dandy and just the mark of fabulous eccentric bohemians.

But then this is one of those mn topics that invites a lot of defensive knee-jerking, projection and god knows what else.

I make the teens clean before they leave. It's the least they can do for disturbing my sleep with their cackling and screeeeeching.

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