Mum has now told me for the second time how "very upset" she was with her Xmas present last year...

(128 Posts)
ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 06:52:27

Firstly, it's EXCEEDINGLY rude to say such a thing to the giver of the gift, isn't it?

And secondly, WIBU with the gift?

She is late 60s, very few hobbies or friends. I usually get her perfume, flowers, a nice jumper and so on. Last year, I found this absolutely beutiful, handmade pocket mirror. It was wooden with carved wooden inlay, really lovey. In fact I liked it so much I wanted to keep it, but sent it to my mum as I thought she'd appreciate it.

She didn't get in touch on the day to say thank you for it, but this summer dropped into conversation "how upset" she'd been when she got it. "All I got was THAT!" and so on.

I phoned her the other day and again she told me she was "so upset", that "if you'd given it me as a souvenir from holiday then that would be one thing, but as a Christmas present?!" She then told me to make sure I get her something better this year. I know I should have said, did you mean to be so rude, but I was just so shocked. I asked her "like what?", and she said, "I don't know really!"

After the conversation, DH said I should have told her how upset I was with a £5 pair of gloves from the post office and paperback for my 30th birthday. Of course though, I would never say such a thing because that would be unspeakably rude and I am grateful for any gift.

So, WIBU? And how do I get past this feeling of being really hurt??

ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 06:53:48

beautiful and lovely, damn keyboard!!

DaddyPigsMistress Tue 10-Dec-13 06:57:06

Nothing this year. And if she askes why say you didnt want yi uoset her by getting her the wrong thing.

PurpleJellyDisc Tue 10-Dec-13 06:58:06

Definitely nothing this year.

rabbitlady Tue 10-Dec-13 06:58:43

gift voucher. £10.

Anatanacoat Tue 10-Dec-13 06:59:25

I wouldn't get her anything this year, or any year until she can learn to behave better. Honestly!

XmasLogAndHollyOn Tue 10-Dec-13 06:59:35

Oh she sounds a delight.

Get her a jumper from Primark and match up with some gloves and chocolate from Poundland. Wrap it up in fancy paper.

Sorry to hear your Mum was so rude, especially when you'd put a lot of thought into her present.

Lilacroses Tue 10-Dec-13 07:00:13

Yanbu at all. I would also be tempted to buy her nothing. How bloody rude and nasty!

RobinSparkles Tue 10-Dec-13 07:01:36

If she behaves like that towards people then it isn't really any wonder that she has "very few friends".

God, she sounds a right pain in the arse.

Flowers and nothing else, preferably from outside the petrol station!

riksti Tue 10-Dec-13 07:03:34

It's probably tempting to get her nothing but that will just perpetuate the bad feelings between you. If you really want to solve the situation I would tell her that you found her comment and behaviours hurtful and childish. Also maybe mention that in the future she can give you a list of her wishes or accept that she's an adult and can buy her own things in the future and you will no longer buy anything for her (depending on which you prefer).

Screamqueen Tue 10-Dec-13 07:04:48

Sorry to say your Mum sounds really horrible, that's beyond entitled and rude!

ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 07:05:00

I wouldn't dare to buy her nothing. It'd cause a huge fuss.

As it happens, they live far away so we don't get to see them at all regularly and they have missed out on quite a lot this year. For the last two months DH and I have been spending hours poring over the laptop making one of those Apple family photo albums. I had been thinking it would be a lovely, personal gift but now I'm just like, as if I wasted all those hours making it when you say things like that!!!

ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 07:07:39

I think that's the way forward riksti

LegoCaltrops Tue 10-Dec-13 07:07:40

Just get her a book token or something. Clearly, whatever you choose is liable to come in for the same criticism, therefore let her choose. She is a cheeky mare.

SteamWisher Tue 10-Dec-13 07:08:48


And yes you should tell her! Otherwise this will fester. Just say mum what would you like for Christmas as I was upset by your comments and don't want to get it wrong.

And I would have said something about the 30th present as your DH suggested grin

AlpacaPicnic Tue 10-Dec-13 07:09:28

Ywnbu in the slightest - that mirror sounds lovely. And I say, don't get over the hurt. Remember it and, as previous posters have said, get her something really dispersonal (disclaimer - might not be a real word) from now on.

Every year, We get a cinema voucher and a token present from my BIL and DH gets a four pack of beer. This is from his own brother. Who seems to have forgotten that DH doesn't drink. Ever. It's become a joke now... But we have never said anything at all - because that would be rude.

the beer gets regifted every year

Twiddlebum Tue 10-Dec-13 07:11:23

That sounds just like my MIL!! My MIL still bangs on about my DH and BIL not paying for her to go on a cruise for her 50th! (At the time my DH then DBF had post uni debts and was struggling to pay rent for which MY parents helped him and my BIL was a student. Every Christmas she tells us what she wants (we don't ask) and this year its a Russell & Bromley handbag which apparently we can go halves with BIL.... Its £300!!! shockshock She can do one!! I'm on maternity leave so money is tight - Christmas Day is going to consist of listening to her 'diss appointment' yet again

Flangeofmingetown Tue 10-Dec-13 07:12:18

I would make a donation to charity on her behalf. She is so entitled and greedy that would be an appropriate statement.

ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 07:12:28

I am so glad that this is not seen as normal behaviour. I was really doubting myself!!

It's actually things like this that are making me think she might be a narc, but that's for another thread....

Locketjuice Tue 10-Dec-13 07:13:50

I would have been hmm at a pocket mirror BUT I wouldn't have said anything so yanbu!

ClaudiusMaximus Tue 10-Dec-13 07:19:25

Well that's fair enough Locket! grin I should say, it wasn't her only present... But I thought she would love it. You can only do your best when it comes to Christimas presents but if your best isn't good enough then the receiver should keep that to themselves!

diddl Tue 10-Dec-13 07:21:11

This is why we don't do presents.

We never know what to get & would probably get things that we like ourselves.

That said, she was very rude.

"I wouldn't dare to buy her nothing. It'd cause a huge fuss."-so what?

LilyTheSavage Tue 10-Dec-13 07:22:09

Don't doubt yourself. You sound lovely and kind and generous. Your mother is rude and greedy. I agree with you that you probably can't just not get her something, so give her something she's given you! Chocolates and a paperback sound about right! Wrap it up to look fancy and then you've done your bit. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. wine

mummydarkling Tue 10-Dec-13 07:24:25

I think you need to explain your gift in future. If it is handcrafted say so, she may not have picked up on this. Also how is her eye sight? Would she have much use for a pocket mirror? The best gifts take account of the needs or wants of the recipient. I know she upset you with her rudeness/ingratitude but maybe you need to take more account of her wishes perhaps just ask in future. basically got her something you liked.

YANBU however about feeling hurt about it. You could both improve as gift givers......wrt gloves and paperback.

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