to disagree with DH and that I DO make a valuable contribution?

(98 Posts)
notarealgrownup Mon 09-Dec-13 21:07:00

DH has really knocked me sideways today.
We were chatting about one of his friends wives who has just been promoted to something pretty high up in the NHS, a position that pays about £50,000 pa. He then asked me when I was going to get a "proper job". I was gutted.
Been married for 12 years, 3 DCs and have always been a SAHM. Since youngest started school I have been working from home running a shop on EBAY. I have never had what you could call a career, just moved through various low paid jobs since leaving school. So when I became pregnant with DC1 we both agreed that it made sense for me to be a SAHM.
DH is self employed, and charges £30 per hour ( sometimes more depending on the job), and never works more than 30 hours per week through choice as this leaves him plenty of time to follow his hobbies.
My income is much lower (obviously), but it pays for food, clothing, fuel, xmas and birthday presents, etc. I do not contribute to the mortgage or gas/electric (the proper stuff as DH calls it) as I don't bring in enough.
I chose to work from home in order to be there in the morning and after school for the DCs. Also to not have to find childcare during the school holidays, as DH would expect me to pay for this and not contribute himself.
I realise I will never be able to earn as much as DH, but he seems to see what I do contribute (along with looking after the house, etc) as "not a proper /adult occupation". As though its merely a bit of a hobby.
Sorry for rambling, but just trying to explain as much as possible.

Manchesterhistorygirl Mon 09-Dec-13 21:09:00

Your dh is an arse. I'd say that you're making a fully valid contribution to your family life and finances.

paxtecum Mon 09-Dec-13 21:10:27

OP: He's being a pain.
Does he do any housework, cooking, washing, food shopping?

3littlefrogs Mon 09-Dec-13 21:10:49

You are already doing a full time job.

Who does he suppose is going to look after his children if you are not there?

He sounds as if he has a very nice life, working for himself, 30 hours a week and doing all his hobbies.

He would expect you to pay for childcare yourself if he did work???

He sounds selfish, thoughtless and ignorant.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

purrtrillpadpadpad Mon 09-Dec-13 21:10:59

God, that makes for sad reading. I'm so sorry. I'm speechless.

JanePurdy Mon 09-Dec-13 21:11:23

Your DP is an arse.

StanleyLambchop Mon 09-Dec-13 21:11:58

Also to not have to find childcare during the school holidays, as DH would expect me to pay for this and not contribute himself.

Why, are they suddenly not his children in the holidays? He sounds like a real charmer, you contribute perfectly well IMO.

livinginawinterwonderland Mon 09-Dec-13 21:12:22

He's a twat. HTH.

purrtrillpadpadpad Mon 09-Dec-13 21:12:24

Can I ask, do you get to spend any of what you earn on yourself?

BlackholesAndRevelations Mon 09-Dec-13 21:12:26

Ouch!! Definitely an arse. You need to tell him straight what an arse he is. sad

pianodoodle Mon 09-Dec-13 21:13:37

Sorry he's an utter twat I couldn't be with anyone who had such little respect for me and especially someone who put me down in public like that too sad

I'm glad you disagree with him at least!

Your DP is, indeed, a dick.

Ask him how much it would cost him if you weren't there any more in childcare, cleaners, cooks, chauffeurs etc.

And then ask him if he still thinks what you do isn't valuable.

And then call him a dick and leave him to the children for a weekend while you go off and have fun.

bundaberg Mon 09-Dec-13 21:14:19

do you think he thinks you would like to have a "proper" job/career? maybe he had been under the impression that you would like to retrain once the children were older?

have you ever discussed it?

3littlefrogs Mon 09-Dec-13 21:15:02

Several years ago, when DH and I were sorting out life insurance (I had 2 children aged 2 and 4 and was a SAHM), the financial advisor wrote down everything DH would have to pay for if anything happened to me and he wanted/needed to continue his career. He worked out that I was "worth" about £70K a year.

Your "H" has no idea.

Laradaclara Mon 09-Dec-13 21:15:14

If I were you I'd count up exactly what you do spend. I would think its a surprisingly large amount of your income as food and clothes really add up. You might find your paying more than your fair share financially too and perhaps he should be contributing to that.
As for the rest, he's an arse.
How much time do you get to pursue your hobbies?

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Mon 09-Dec-13 21:15:17

Hello OP your dh is being an arse.
Firstly he agreed to you being a sahm
Secondly he isn't prepared to pay for childcare
Thirdly, you have a proper job and contribute to your family more than he does.

I would tell him you will find a job and everything will be split 50/50 including childcare, organising the cc, bills, housework, shopping, school run, cooking, etc.

meboo Mon 09-Dec-13 21:15:25

I'd have to leave home for a week and let him deal with it all quite frankly.

creighton Mon 09-Dec-13 21:16:29

food, clothing, fuel, presents. it sounds like you are 'contributing' a reasonable amount from your ebay shop as well as running the house and looking after the children.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him never to speak to you like that again, and tell him to get a full time job instead of arsing around for 30 hours a week. cheeky shit.

Euphemia Mon 09-Dec-13 21:17:12

Tell him to read this.

"Based on the 10 most time consuming tasks listed by more than 6,000 mothers, Salary.com estimated it would cost $113,586 a year to replace them."

That's about £70,000.

TheDoctrineOfSanta Mon 09-Dec-13 21:17:53

You could ask him when he is going to get a proper job, for more than 30 hours a week?

Or when he is going to do his proper share of chores and childcare?

MillyChristmas Mon 09-Dec-13 21:18:20

Was he serious OP, or did he mean it tongue in cheek (even though I totally understand how you feel).

justmyview Mon 09-Dec-13 21:18:27

Sounds like he was dismissive, which was rude, but OTOH, if you agreed 13 years ago that you would be SAHM for tiny children, I think it's reasonable to revisit that when your children are older

If you were going out to work, there's no reason why you should pay for childcare necessary as a result

Euphemia Mon 09-Dec-13 21:18:36

Ties in nicely with 3littlefrog's financial adviser's advice!

livenlet Mon 09-Dec-13 21:18:55

Im so angry reading this you have the most inportant job in the world and not leaving it up to other people to raise your fam. And still make your own money to , hail to you , wat a pric he is

Longdistance Mon 09-Dec-13 21:20:46

grin meboo

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