Am I ? I really don't know but I'm not happy - in laws

(420 Posts)
Kormachameleon Mon 09-Dec-13 13:32:35

In laws live a couple of hours away

They show no interest in us or my son. They visit twice a year if that, mainly once at Christmas. They have seen us hungry, cold and almost homeless with a newborn without any offers of help which they can easily afford

This rankles. I know we have no entitlement to any help but it pisses me off regardless

Anyway, long story short as some of you will know I have been extremely unwell for the past 12 months. I can rarely leave the house

FIL has a routine op the week before Xmas so MIL is demanding we visit them. Their house is cold, we have to sleep on a blow up mattress in the attic, there is nowhere for ds to sleep, I have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a horse that need looking after and I'm simply not well enough to manage the car journey and the sleeping arrangements even if I could find someone to look after the animals

So 'D' H has decided he will take DS without me for two days over Xmas.

AIBU to feel sad about this ? Ill be left home alone with no car while the in laws get the privilege of my sons company

I admit I'd feel somewhat happier about this if they had made any effort themselves in the last ten years but I can't get past the fact that they are being pandered to whilst I miss two days with my son over Xmas and am left home alone

pinkyredrose Mon 09-Dec-13 13:38:36

So 'D' H has decided he will take DS without me for two days over Xmas

Did he decide this without consulting you? He's out of order either way, how dare he leave you alone over Xmas when you're not well and need support especially as they don't give a fuck about you.

bundaberg Mon 09-Dec-13 13:39:28

when you say over xmas how do you mean? literally on christmas eve or boxing day or something? I wouldn't be so happy with that.

but if it's a little way either side I think that could be quite nice?

do you have a friend or some family you could invite over to yours for a couple of days?

NotYoMomma Mon 09-Dec-13 13:40:07

I would tell 'd'h he can go alone

and not come back

diddl Mon 09-Dec-13 13:40:34

So they usually visit you at/around Christmas?

They can't this year, and have asked you to do the visit instead.

You can't go so your husband & son are.

Can't really see the problem tbh.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 09-Dec-13 13:41:46

Yanbu, your DH is being massively out of order thinking it's ok for you to be alone without your child over Xmas. If he insists then tell him to go alone.

sunbathe Mon 09-Dec-13 13:43:25

YANBU.

in sickness and in health

Kormachameleon Mon 09-Dec-13 13:44:18

No he didn't discuss this with me

They are leaving the day after Boxing Day. I'd feel less sad about it if I knew DS would enjoy it but he won't and doesn't want to go

They don't interact with him, in fact he is much ignored. He is only going to make his father happy

I suppose I am most upset about being left alone, especially at Christmas when dh knows I can't get out alone

I also have anxiety disorder and can't sleep at night, this is worse if I'm home alone so he knows that this is going to be an horrendous few days for me

CaptainSweatPants Mon 09-Dec-13 13:45:06

I can't see the problem either

My inlaws live 6 hours drive away

My dh often takes my two dcs to see them & I either work or stay home see friends, sleep, watch box sets , generally have a lovely time

If you can't spend 2 days without your child or partner that is a problem IMO
You need to carve out a life for yourself through hobbies, friends etc & not rely on your ds & dh

CaptainSweatPants Mon 09-Dec-13 13:46:21

I'm sorry but it's not over Christmas it's after Christmas

Could you stay with your own family?

scurryfunge Mon 09-Dec-13 13:46:24

Could he just go for one day only. It'll be a reasonable drive but perhaps a compromise.

WorraLiberty Mon 09-Dec-13 13:50:23

Who normally looks after you/helps out when your DH is at work?

Could they not come over and spend some time with you?

I don't think your DH is being too unreasonable really. It's not over Christmas and I know I'd want to see my Dad if he was having an operation.

bundaberg Mon 09-Dec-13 13:51:09

so, can someone come and stay with you? or could you visit family/friends?

easier if they come to you as you have animals I'm guessing?

come on... it's good your DS is given the chance to have a relationship, of sorts, with his grandparents, even if it's not the best circumstances.
So, instead of thinking how bad it'll be can we help you think of ways to make it a nice time for you? You get a couple of days off childcare for starters grin
what else could you do?

Leeds2 Mon 09-Dec-13 13:51:51

I was going to suggest just going for one day too.

trikken Mon 09-Dec-13 13:52:34

After Christmas is fine. If it was christmas day I'd be annoyed, just have a nice couple of days doing something you like instead thinking at least you get to stay in the nice warm comfy house and bed.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex Mon 09-Dec-13 13:53:56

They don't give a shit about any of you and your ds doesn't want to go. Seems straightforward to me, I wouldn't be letting my ds go in those circumstances.

ShoeWhore Mon 09-Dec-13 13:54:52

As it's between Christmas and New Year, while it's not ideal, I think this is a reasonable solution.

ShoeWhore Mon 09-Dec-13 13:56:00

Sorry pressed send too soon.

I agree with bundaberg - can we help you make some plans to turn this into a more positive experience for you?

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex Mon 09-Dec-13 13:56:08

Can't your dh go alone, prehaps by train so you can be left with the car?

WallaceWindsock Mon 09-Dec-13 14:00:05

Those of you saying it's only a few days etc - have you read the bit about OPs health issues? She has anxiety and other issues which leave her pretty much "housebound". She states she "rarely leaves the house". On what planet would it be ok to leave you wife who is struggling with such issues to the extent that she can barely leave the house, over the Christmas period, without having even discussed it with her. I'm shock that anyone would think this is ok!

It's not like OP will be able to pop out for a nice walk and then spend the evening at a friends house. She will be left feeling vulnerable, isolated and fighting off the anxiety.

I've battled anxiety over the past 2 years, it was very limiting at times and I often struggled to sleep at all and that was with DP at home. I'd be struggling with panic attacks for most of the night if home alone. Maybe this is giving me insight other posters don't have, but OP this really isn't ok. If he had to go or desperately wanted to, discussed it with you and you formed a plan together it may be doable - a family member who understands the issues and can support you to stay and some planned activities at your house - a special dinner and film night for eg, but not like this. Your H is basically ignoring the health issues he must know will be a huge factor in this and laying down the law.

Sit him down and hold your ground on this. MH issues often seem to get minimised or dismissed because to an extent they are invisible. Anxiety especially so. Don't let him start minimising and dismissing the very real issues you struggle with, hold your own OP, say no.

Kormachameleon Mon 09-Dec-13 14:00:29

need to carve out a life for yourself through hobbies, friends etc & not rely on your ds & dh
Captain with all due respect did you not read the part that explains I am unwell and disabled and rarely leave the house.
It's kind of hard to maintain hobbies, friendships and independence

I won't have any transport so won't be able to visit friends unfortunately, family could pop in.

And it is over Xmas to me, I appreciate its not exactly Xmas day but we love Xmas and spend the whole holidays doing things so to lose DS for 2 days is horrible.

Thanks for the replies

diddl Mon 09-Dec-13 14:01:03

If your son really doesn't want to go, then I don't think he should have to tbh.

But if your husband wants to see his parents for a couple of days, that's up to him.

WallaceWindsock Mon 09-Dec-13 14:03:50

I can say with a lot of certainty that for the OP this isn't something that can be spun into "ooh lovely some me time". It doesn't work like that. It will be the opposite, the anxiety will ramp up.

You don't need to think of ways to make it better, you need to sit your H down and spell out the impact of this on you, and if he insist he must go then he needs to come up with ways of minimising that impact. You need to not be left alone, they need to stay for a shorter amount of time, and you need to keep the car. He should be willing to make this as bearable as possible not as filled with obstacles as possible.

bundaberg Mon 09-Dec-13 14:06:10

can you ring round and see if someone can come and stay with you while he is away?

Kormachameleon Mon 09-Dec-13 14:09:33

I tried to speak to him last night Wallace and he just started shouting and throwing things around

I don't want to be left alone. I know that is pathetic but its the truth. Apart from missing DS, it will be two lonely and difficult days for me

I can't prepare food or hot drinks for mysel most of the time, it's gonna be hard alone

To the poster who asked how I manage when dh is at work, I think it was worra - he works a three minute drive away and is self employed so comes back home three times a day to help me

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