To have 'a talk' with dh and in laws or let it go

(22 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Mon 09-Dec-13 12:34:49

I've been recently diagnosed with ibs after years of trying to get my dh and il's to understand this. I mentioned the dr said I've developed some OCD like tendencies in dealing with it which is why I dislike going away from home and upsetting my routine too much-I don't like to be too spontaneous!
Then I hear dh has told his family I have OCD and they're all speculating now and having long discussions about it behind my back. I heard dh talking about me saying a lot of things 'make sense' now eg how i like to make sure dc's eat at certain times, I like a certain structure to every day life and weirdly because I get angry if I ask him to do anything. They're all on his side and now I feel like they all think I'm bonkers whereas I think its perfectly normal. I feel like banging my head against the wall!
Would I be unreasonable to just have a talk with them myself and put them all straight or should I just let them think what they like and carry on with my life?
This is really upsetting me sad

Vix1980 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:40:52

If its upsetting you this much id start by having a word with your dp and asking him why he thought talking to his family about you behind your back was ok?

Then once you've tackled him i would just drop it in conversation to your inlaws maybe rather than a formal invite round to get the 3rd degree off you, To be fair though i like to have my ds's tea time at the same time every night, breakfast and dinner too for that matter, i call it a routine though and if i found dp telling people i had ocd because of it id be upset too.

Only you can really decide if you'd be ok in a year or 2 with them still thinking what they liked or would you rather nip it in the bud now and set them straight on whats actually going on.

MammaTJ Mon 09-Dec-13 12:41:13

You have to take pratical steps to deal with IBs otherwise you end up shitting yourself. Put it in basic terms like this, rather than OCD and he may get it.

Regualr mealtimes make sense, not wanting to be spontanious does too, as you need to plan toilets.

Tell him to get a grip, as it is him that needs to, not you.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:41:58

Has anyone actually done anything to make you feel uncomfortable? Do you think he has just explained to them what's been happening and you maybe taking it in the wrong way?

BarbarianMum Mon 09-Dec-13 12:48:38

Sorry you're feeling upset. sad

Is it really a case of them taking sides, or are he/they simply trying to understand you better? Have they said they think you're bonkers?

It is quite a stretch to immediately grasp the link b/w your ibs and your children's mealtimes tbh so understanding that you have some OCD type tendancies should be helpful, yes?

Do you object to your dh discussing your condition with his family? I have IBD and am not particularly thrilled to have it discussed with the wider family but it occasional does need to be as it can affect plans we have together.

If your OCD affects family life then maybe your dh feels he needs to explain why things need to be exactly so. Or maybe he needs support. Or maybe it was a lightbulb moment for him and he wanted to share. Or maybe he's just indiscreet.

I do think you need to talk to him, at least.

struggling100 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:52:56

Telling people about any kind of illness, mental or physical, is a very sensitive thing, and your partner should never have done this without your full consent and knowledge.

But to me it sounds as though something even more serious is going on - that your husband is using your illness as a way of undermining you, and even of suggesting that your opinion should not be taken into consideration because it is the view of a woman with 'mental problems'. That is unacceptable on so many levels, and i think you have every right to feel hurt and upset and angry. I think in many ways, this is so much more of a problem than whatever your inlaws think. I would start with the problem at home, and worry about what the in laws think later.

It's unclear, whether someone is passing on info to you, or you are listening in to phone calls, either way, you aren't getting the full picture.

I would discuss this with your DH and then any close family that may be affected by you not being able "to be spontaneous" etc. other than that it is no ones business.

However if your DH is struggling then he has the right to off load to someone else.

Only you (two) will know if you want routine, or if you are having OCD tendencies (which are difficult to live with), or your DH is dismissing any grievance that you have and now has come up with a plausible reason, to blame you for any disagreement.

I had an ex partner who liked to dismiss any real issue, because I had symptoms when entering the Peri Menopause.

Tiptops Mon 09-Dec-13 13:06:10

YABVU to insinuate that if you did have OCD you would be 'bonkers'.

YANBU to not wan your health discussed behind your back.

tinkertaylor1 Mon 09-Dec-13 13:18:46

Where was you op when you overheard them talking about you? I would have been tempted to fly in the room shouting ''hellooo!! i can friggin hear you!!''

Talk to them as everything you do that isn't agreeable will be put down and dismissed as having MH problems hmm

I have flare up of IBS. Most people think its a dicky tummy or prone to having the runs. Nothing to do with having vice like pains, sweats, feeling like you are about to pass out, the runs with any type of stress..excitement,anger,upset. Clinging on to the toilet as you feel like your insides are about to fall out....

I scared to death my manager one day, he was in a meeting with a client and I was having a flare up. The pain was so bad and i was sweating i really thought i was going to pass out and no one was around. So i crashed in to his office and crawled on to the floor! Both manager and client slack jawed.

Im not surprised you dont like ad hock outings, there is no fun thinking your going to shit your self in a bloody car on the motorway or pushing a trolly round asda.

Print of some info pamphlets, give them to read. They are all being out of order.

flowers

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 09-Dec-13 13:43:58

Thanks everyone, there's a lot to think about here..
I don't think anyone with OCD is bonkers, i meant that would be the way they see it and in turn put down any of my behaviour down to mh problems which is really unfair.
I am going to talk to dh tonight about it and say that I'd rather he didn't blab everything to his family and I'd rather explain to them the real facts myself.
When I see the il's I will drop in to conversation that I have ibs, not full blown OCD but I do have to take practical steps to manage my Ibs otherwise It'll be a messy situation!

gnittinggnome Mon 09-Dec-13 13:51:21

I think some of the problems with the OCD label is that it's been used so much for "quirky" tv characters that people have a very specific way of thinking about it, and how it manifests itself, which would be quite upsetting to someone whose condition manifested differently. So your DP dropping that into the conversation about your IBS is going to completely divert attention away from anything helpful.

If it were me, I'd be there with armfuls of information on IBS so he could properly understand what was happening, and actually be supportive. And yes, a casual conversation with the ILs would work better than a big formal sit-down.

Good luck, and I hope you can find the right strategies for dealing with it!

Blueberrymuffint0p Mon 09-Dec-13 14:14:44

I think your husband is really out of order here. I have ulcerative colitis and like you, I have certain routines around food-what I eat, when I eat it and general day to day life-where I go, when, is there a toilet? When did I last eat? Etc etc. I don't have ocd, I have chronic condition that I have very little control over but adding some structure around the bathroom/meal times allows me to regain some control. It helps me to stay calm, it reduces my anxiety related to my symptoms.

You need a calm conversation with him. Maybe he's struggling to understand it himself.

AnnabelleLee Mon 09-Dec-13 14:18:22

He's talking to his family about his wife. Thats normal enough. Don't you talk to other people about your husband? Are you secretive and never mention each other to other people?
I don't see the problem. You do seem a bit self-centred, have you thought about how your diagnosis affects others, especially your husband?

tinkertaylor1 Mon 09-Dec-13 14:34:30

anna have you actually read the whole of the OP? hmm

Fairylea Mon 09-Dec-13 14:41:05

Anna that's a very insensitive post!

Op you should definitely talk to your dp and ask him not to discuss your medical issues with his family. Then you can do so yourself - if you wish to and make sure they have the correct information!

I had severe ibs for many years. It was very debilitating and I would avoid long journeys and anywhere I couldn't get home from easily. It was truly awful. Thankfully for some unknown reason it's just completely cleared up now. Anti depressants did help me for a bit as they actually slow the bowel down which helps to reduce spasms - aside from helping to reduce anxiety as well.

Hope you feel better soon.

DoJo Mon 09-Dec-13 21:52:19

When you say they're on 'his side' in what way? How has it come to a point where you have sides instead of being a team?
I'm also not sure I understand the bit where you said 'I like a certain structure to every day life and weirdly because I get angry if I ask him to do anything'. Are you saying that you get angry about him not fitting in with your routine? Or with the children's routine?
I can understand that he might want to talk about you with his parents - it would be nice if he had discussed it with you, but your condition obviously impacts on him and your family as well, so it's understandable that he might have some thoughts to air now that you have an official diagnosis.
I also think that he might be rightly concerned about your compulsive tendencies affecting your children - do you allow them to be spontaneous when possible? Is your rigidity about mealtimes something which means that they are unable to pursue activities or see their friends? Do you think that he might have some legitimate concerns which he is trying to make sense of in light of your diagnosis? It sounds like you need to talk to each other more before anyone talks to his parents.

Darkesteyes Mon 09-Dec-13 21:55:42

I have IBS too. its fucking painful And on Slimming World i have colic too.
Yr DH would be humming a different tune if you shat yourself in the car!

Tambaboy Mon 09-Dec-13 22:33:17

DM has ulcerative colitis and Dsister has Crohn's disease and they are all about routine, routine and more routine. No OCD, routine is just part of managing their conditions.

AnnabelleLee Tue 10-Dec-13 09:18:55

I have. And I have a long term illness, which I know affects my family as well as myself. It's not all about the person who has the diagnosis,and a little compassion for them as well as OP wouldn't go amiss.

Fairylea Tue 10-Dec-13 09:26:54

But apart from anything else her dh isn't showing compassion is he? He doesn't seem to even understand the ops condition and has communicated this in a very poor way to his family. No wonder the op feels upset.

It sounds as though your dp is your main problem here tbh.
He didn't have a right to tell them at all and it sounds like he has explained to them in a very negative demeaning way.

Why he has done this, i don't really know but it sounds like they are all taking the piss at your expense sad

Joysmum Tue 10-Dec-13 11:29:16

I don't see what the issue is with your hubby talking to his family?

My mum has a medical condition and I talk to my hubby about it. My hubby has a medical condition and I talk to my family about it. I'm an annoying witch sometimes and I be very worried to think that my hubby couldn't talk to anyone about it.

So, IMO he's done nothing wrong by talking to his family but there is an issue where maybe he, and his family don't fully understand the condition so you've got a bit of educating to do. It's as simple as that and nothing sinister at all.

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