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AIBU?

to wish my mum would accept I'm an atheist?

80 replies

WidowWadman · 08/12/2013 20:39

I'm not rubbing it in her face or anything, but she's not happy my kids aren't christened, I only had a registry wedding, etc. She seems to believe (or at least makes comments suggesting) that I'm just going along with my husband's wishes.
I find this insulting to both me and him - as if I was just following someone else's lead (I'm not) and as if he orders me about (he doesn't).

I've no problem with my parents' faith, and don't ever attack or criticise them. Our decision not to christen our children is not a criticism on them having christened me. They did what they believed was right, and that's cool. Doesn't mean that I have to believe that that's the right course of action for my parenting.

Our kids learn about Christianity just like about any other religion. We even asked for a kid's bible as a first christmas present for our eldest - knowing the stories which influenced our culture so much, is important.

I don't want to discuss religion with them, as I accept that they believe and don't feel the need to upset them, so why raise it with me? Again and again and again?

OP posts:

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MuswellHillDad · 08/12/2013 20:51

I would say you are right to do exactly as you are. Your kids should be raised the way you and your partner agree.

You are completely reasonable to wish for acceptance, but I think it is also reasonable for your parents to be concerned. After all, from their point of view, they see you not following the path in life they believe in and anxiety and concern is natural.

However, if the issue is damaging your relationship then you need to set it straight somehow. How you achieve that isn't something I think I can help with, but maybe another here can?

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 21:00

I don't know why anyone gets upset about these things. You bring up your children how you wish but ultimately they will make up their own minds. Your own DCs may have a faith when they grow up.
If you don't want to discuss it, don't- just say 'sorry, I don't intend discussing it' and change the subject. Never get drawn in past that sentence.

LittleBabyPigsus · 08/12/2013 21:44

My parents had a registry office wedding and neither me nor my sister were christened. I now am a Christian, my sister isn't. I don't think there's anything wrong with how you're choosing to bring your kids up and there was nothing damaging about my atheist upbringing. It's not what I would choose for my kids but equally it's not wrong.

Agree with what SatinSandals says, just refuse to discuss it. I have to do that with my parents on other subjects.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 08/12/2013 21:56

YANBU, I think christening is meaningless - no-one has the right to raise a child in any faith. Belief has to come from the person themselves and from the path their life takes, anything else is indoctrination.

DH believes but is vehemently opposed to organised religion, I am an atheist. At the moment my DD1 believes in the Greek/Roman gods and DD2 is an agnostic. It is all fine.

We had them christened because it would have broken the IL's hearts if we had not - they were very traditionally American churchgoers and not having our DDs christened over there would have felt like kicking them in the teeth - but we made it very clear that whatever faith choices our girls made in later life would be up to them and we would not force anything.

LimitedEditionLady · 08/12/2013 22:03

I am amongst friends here.
my in laws threatened to haunt us when they die for not having ds christened.

LimitedEditionLady · 08/12/2013 22:08

Fortunately i dont believe in ghosts and if im wrong itll be nice to see them.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:29

People are too polite- you really don't have to explain or justify- just tell them it is a personal matter, not up for discussion. There is no need to be rude or confrontational.

Mumsyblouse · 08/12/2013 22:35

:) LimitedEditionLady

Mim78 · 08/12/2013 22:36

Haunt you as ghosts is brilliant. But I didn't think christians actually believed in ghosts? Assuming they are saying this lightheartedly?

To the OP - YANBU

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 22:37

If you are an atheist why are you celebrating Christmas.

If I was your mum i would be confused too.

rpitchfo · 08/12/2013 22:40

Depends how religious they are. I think you are being a bit unreasonable in the sense that as a christian she must feel that if you don't accept jesus as your "lord and saviour" then you will spend eternity in hell. If that isn't motivation to try and get you to change your mind then what else is?

p.s i'm an atheist.

volestair · 08/12/2013 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:44

Christmas has always been a festival. I believe in God and will go to church. My children won't- it doesn't mean they can't celebrate Christmas. They are adults, they have the same freedom of choice that I have. Why should I make up my mind and expect them to agree? -
My mother can think whatever she likes, she can't decide what I think!

Meow75 · 08/12/2013 22:45

Forty

Surely you know about the Pagan celebrations pre-dating Christian celebrations. Don't make this into one of those threads!!

OP - Not much help to you but I've had grief from my very devout grandmother because DH and I have decided not to have children and that is contrary to God's word. As others have said, don't engage." Gosh Mum, did you see the cheap ...... that was at Tesco/Sainsbo's/market yesterday?! What a bargain!!!" And if she persists, leave the room, talk to your DH or play with your DC.

SatinSandals · 08/12/2013 22:45

Good grief, volestair, I can't see that that attitude is remotely Christian!!

volestair · 08/12/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 08/12/2013 22:50

My mother is itching to have a go at me for not baptising my children. She doesn't because she knows I can outargue her any day.

Agree with others that you should just cut them.off every time.
Oh and LEL that's bloody hilarious :)

PumpkinPositive · 08/12/2013 22:55

From your mum's point of view, you and your kids immortal souls might be at stake. Given her worldview, it's reasonably easy to understand the intensity of her concerns even if you violently disagree with them.

Mind you, if she really is that concerned, I wonder why she doesn't performed the baptism herself by the kitchen sink of an afternoon?

LimitedEditionLady · 08/12/2013 23:02

Ha yes,the logic of angry in laws
I couldve easily chosen to do it,they even offered to pay for the big party after (because thats soooo religiously necessary) but no I cannot do things just to please others it wouldnt be right.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 23:18

sorry didn't mean to

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/12/2013 23:24

Widow, YANBU. You say that you don't wish to discuss religion with your parents and that's fine. However I think that you do need to discuss your atheism with them.

Tell them that you do not believe and you cannot live a life of hypocrisy because they raised you better than that. Tell them that you will not pretend and ask them to accept this.

Good luck.

WidowWadman · 08/12/2013 23:35

Forty - I didn't even mention Christmas, did I? As it is, I do celebrate Christmas - as a time to spend time with people I love. . But no, let's not make this thread about this, as the stupid argument today didn't have anything with Christmas, it was just brought up randomly again. And what annoys me most about is that she keeps implying that it's just my husband's say-so which deprives her poor grand children from being christened.

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LimitedEditionLady · 08/12/2013 23:48

Oh oh oh who has had the......"but all church schools are better so think about their education?"
Oh yes!me!me!me!I have!
Apparently I am also selfish and should stop thinking of myself and " doing things in a different way"
(Im selfish yet they want ds christened into a religion just for them....)
Shit,I do feel like saying "look can we all just chillax here and not have such prude disgusted faces that we have got seperate minds?" And also inform them that yes,a son of yours CAN not believe in god and it doesnt have to be anything to do with being over your dead body....NOW LETS ALL SMILE AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA.

DazzleU · 08/12/2013 23:58

She seems to believe (or at least makes comments suggesting) that I'm just going along with my husband's wishes.

Every decision my DH has made or we have made together if IL dislike it is blamed on me despite all conversations by DH or me or evidence to the contrary .

Just refuse to discuss it.

DazzleU · 09/12/2013 00:08

"but all church schools are better so think about their education?"

My unbaptized DC with two atheists parents attending local school which is C of E.

I am/was unbaptized and went to my local school - different location and only school in village - that was also C. of E.

DC school is more vocal about their faith than my school was.

We figured my school inoculated me against region and DC knowing about Christianity and the stories associated with it would be good as it's part of the countries culture.

Not all religious schools require region and one that do often have some places for DC not of their persuasion.

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