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Sil won't buy ds what he wants for Xmas(71 Posts)
I know I sound unreasonable but bear with me
I have two children, ds aged almost 10 & dd aged 12
Sil wants to know what they want for Xmas
Ds has a list he's made with items ranging from £5 to £50. It's quite diverse from books & chocolate to Nerf, Xbox game & a scooter.
Sil works at a major high street retailer so always buys presents from there which was fine when the kids were younger & were into toys & games.
She refuses to buy clothes for Xmas, the Xbox game heaves nets is out of stock at her branch, the only scooter in stock is one designed for a 5 year old. She was looking at action figures like Skylanders & Star Wars but he's not been into action figures for a couple of years now.
I suggested putting together a little gift bag with some boys/men's smellies/hair gel in. He loves his showers & likes pinching a bit of dh's after shave etc but she said that's something she'd buy when he's much older.
Her dd who is the same age as my dd has a hobby & she's asked me to get her a specialist item for that hobby which will cost around £20-30. I have to give her the money & her dd will choose the exact one she wants.
My dd also has a hobby which she hopes to eventually make a career. There is a mon specialist item she really wants (she could do with two or three of them) that costs £7. When I told sil about them she said I'm not buying her that!
She has reluctantly agreed to get dd gift vouchers as dd loves going shopping & having a Girly day out etc. she is also a bookworm but sils shop doesn't sell books.
Would I be bring unreasonable to say lets forget this & just get our own children what they want?
I remember once being given a "list" of exactly what my dnephew wanted. I went to great lengths to get a specific item on it, and was then told he'd changed his mind. "Oh dear," I said, "I've already bought it," I said. "Well he doesn't want it anymore." I was told, "can you get something else?"
I agree with those who've said the SIL sounds controlling.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt instead though, maybe she feels that she will get more money's worth by sticking to her own store.
It's silly that she's insisting on toys when the fact is lots of ten year olds feel too old for them. Could you compromise by suggesting a funky duvet cover or something else for their bedrooms? Am assuming it's Argos from your earlier post to harryhausen, they do household stuff I think?
I always sort out the presents for our families because my DH works full time and I only work two days so have plenty of time. Manbe that is the case for others?
If she's your SIL she's either DH's sister or your brother's wife, right? In which case get either your DH or brother to sort it out! Why is it always the women's responsibility to sort out presents?!
Can I just say that I don't have any issues with my other sil. We generally check with each other what our children are into & buy what we want. Eg this year I got dnephew a bargain Skylanders set (I'm a regular on the Xmas bargains thread ). Sil told he dneice would really love a first make up set but I have absolutely free choice as to whether I go to Boots, Claire's Body Shop or the Internet
I have no idea what other sil is buying my two but she hasn't been phoning & texting me every 5 mins hassling me about it.
You buy her dd what you want and pop a gift receipt in. Tell her to buy your Dc what she wants and ask for a gift receipt. Kids can then open the presents and IF, (because there is the possibility they might like their gifts, even if they're not off their lists) they don't like them they can easily be returned. SIL should get the message if you ask for a gift receipt, if not just say, straight out, that it's so you can return the gift for something else.
BTW I think some peple have been really rude to the OP, the DCs do not sound spoilt and she does not sound controlling, as for the nasty MC comments I am how on earth can you comment about what the DCs do or do not know about charity/homeless people etc and what relevance does that actually have.
My DCs are quite young but are still aware of people who are less fortunate, I don't see this as a reason for them not to have nice things as long as they have some understanding of how lucky they are. I would never expect a child to fully understand and to be honest I hope they never will!
YANBU, there is no point in asking you what they like then refusing to get any of it.
A lot of our friends/family ask what the kids would like and I give them ideas or they (particularly family) will ask me to get them when I order other bits and they will wrap them. I don't mind this and they prefer it as it mean they know they are spending money on something the DCs really want.
Other friends don't ask and the DCs are always excited with the surprises, even if it is something they are not partuclarly interested in. The only issue with that is that they play with those things over the xmas holidays then never again but that bothers me more than the DCs.
I have one friend who works in a big supermarket (nice one with good toys) and buys all her xmas presents when the big sale is on, that is fine but she just seems to bulk buy without actually thinking specifically about the child she is buying for, she is more concerned about it being cheap (that is another loooong story!). Again, it is me that is bothered about this as I just think its a waste of her money when they would actually love a £5 book token or Amazon voucher which would be even cheaper, they are not spoilt but have just outgrown 'toys' and if they get yet another Star Wars shaker maker from her this year I will actually sob
Clearly She sees you giving money (which she will then use to buy her DD a physical gift) and her giving money/vouchers directly to your dc different.
Would she think differently if you were to say you know exactly what your DD would like and you can get one this weekend for her if she gives you £x now? You could try that approach.
It sounds from your posts that sil has one dc whereas you have two. Could this be an issue? Is she spending roughly twice what you spend because she's buying for twice as many people? In that case I can understand why she'd be glad of staff discount reducing her costs. Although not why she would insist on buying something your ds feels he is too old for
Are all the posters banging on about her kids being ungrateful / that the op is missing the point of Christmas or that the op needs to stop being demanding and let her sister buy what she likes for a present reading the same thread as me?
The crack as I read it, is that her sister
1) Asks the op children to make a list
2) Moans about it if it does not have things on it that firstly she wants to buy and secondly can be bought in her place of work.
3) When she can't find something on the lust that she deems suitable makes the op spend extra time looking online at the argos website to find something acceptable, then belittles every suggestion
4) but demands that the op gives money so she can buy exactly what her DD wants
I can only see one controlling person here. It is not the op.
Have you actually asked her why it is ok for YOU to get your DN what she wants but she will not get what your DC want?
Some people are so blinkered that they don't actually see their own double standards
Can you aak for a reciept or will they not let youvexchange because of staff discount?
This would annoy me. Pil do it with our Ds, why ask for a list,ignore it and then be annoyed when the children dislike or already have a certain toy etc.
Honestly, why make a big deal or even get into discussions about it? Its just a christmas present! You've given her a list - if she doesn't want to buy anything on list, shrug and say that's fine. I'll leave present choice to you. Likewise if you don't want to buy specialist item for her DCs hobby, then don't - buy what you prefer. The 2 of you are nitpicking and its pointless. I do think she's trying to wind you up a bit tho but honestly, please relax about this. Both of you sound as if you have slight control issues..its just way too much over-involvement.
On both sides the DCs will probably be perfectly happy with what they get. & if they're not over the moon & 100% happy with what they're given - so what?! Children aren't necessarily going to be enraptured with every single present they're given. That's life.
Its much ado about nothing. Forget it, and have a nice Christmas
OP if you read you first post it is clear that your sister has one rule for her and another for you. Why are you letting her dictate to you??
You don't need to answer that but it might be an idea to have a think about it.
Oh and I loved books as a child and would happily have had books as all my presents for birthday and Christmases. You'd be surprised at how many people would say 'Oh, I don't want to get you just books', or 'You've already got lots of books, I want to get you something different', in spite of me saying that books were exactly and only what I wanted.
When you see her next, say brightly, 'I've been thinking, if you don't want to give money or vouchers then of course I won't either. I'll just get your DD something as a surprise instead'. If she argues, just keep saying with an innocent face 'But I don't understand - why am I giving money to your DD when you've said you don't want to give money to mine?' YANBU.
i had this when i got married everyone insisted i do a "list" i didnt want to be greedy i just wanted people to come really but it did a list and all but one person ignored it! most of them got me vouchers (for fifty quid a time actually so im not complaining just making a point) my point is if you dont want to know dont ask and the list seems reasonable actually x
I think when my DS helped make soup at the soup kitchen it may have helped all of us remember the reality of homelessness a little more. I doubt many soup kitchens are open for spectators of whatever age in any case, but often pleased to have volunteers.
Well, DD has seen, spoken to and engaged with lots of homeless people because I know most of them in town (worked in the local shelter for 2 years, currently work in housing) and I chat to them all. Yesterday we were just chatting to one guy outside the book shop. DD and him had a waving competition.
However, Christmas at the shelter was full of plonkers bringing their kids in to 'learn' something. Goodness knows what. That homeless people only matter in December, possibly. Volunteering is one thing but just wanting your children to see it is another. It was over 18 as well but the sign on the door didn't register.
This isn't worth the time or the thought to argue over.
Just let her buy him what she wants.
I never buy from ny dn (7 of them) whishlists.
I buy what I like and think would suit them.
So it's different rules for your kids and hers? YANBU! And it's not to do with being grateful. What is the point of asking someone what they would like for Christmas to the go and ignore everysingle suggestion, because you don't approve, or it doesn't suit you or you can't get staff discount on it. I'm strangley cross about this.
Money- my ds would and has given every last penny of his pocket money away to charity in the past so less of the moralising thank you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yes as long as your naice MC children have actually seen a homeless person begging outside Waitrose then that absolutely absolves you of any responsibility to help them to understand the reality of homelessness, poverty and despair. So IRRITATING when social responsibility gets in the way of Tarquin and Claudias Christmas must have list
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