to be fuming with DP over his behaviour

(131 Posts)
phasernon Sun 08-Dec-13 15:28:13

I’ve namechanged for this because it discusses a family members health.

Me and DP went over to my mums for dinner last night, we got on to talking about the pension age and my brother who is 16 said that he doubts he will have a pension at all by the time he gets old. DP then said that its no problem for him as he’ll have been put in his wooden box long before retirement age and that he is more likely to be worried about his funeral plan rather than his pension plan. About a year ago my brother was diagnosed as having a heart defect and he does have a high risk of having a heart attack so he is going to need to be careful for the rest of his life.

I am absolutely furious about this and so is my sister who was also there to the extent where she has uninvited him from Xmas this morning. DP doesn’t seem to see the issue, he says that he was just having some banter with him and that we can’t protect him from reality. I feel that it was a terrible thing to say and I am really angry at both the comment and his subsequent behaviour.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 20:41:59

phaser, don't feel bad for not saying anything at the time

it's not your fault your partner is a grade A cunt

what are you going to do about that, though ?

flippinada Mon 09-Dec-13 19:58:10

I entirely understand the 'shock' aspect of it phaser. I'm sure we've all moments where you think 'did they really just say that!?' when you hear something awful.

Unfortunately he did say it. He really isn't a nice man (you say he makes a habit of offending people). If it was a genuine attempt at humour that backfired, and he was a decent sort of person he would have apologised profusely once he realised the upset caused, but from what you say that isn't what happened.

Of course it's your decision to make, but be aware that if you stay with him your future will hold more of the same...and it will probably get worse.

phasernon Mon 09-Dec-13 19:47:02

The comment was most definately aimed at my brother. I admit I didn't say anything because I was taken so by surprise.

2Tinsellytocare Mon 09-Dec-13 15:26:29

God how is saying I think he's sick giving him the benefit of the doubt!? I said 'if OP was read alone it could be unclear' doesn't that tell you I meant without the update, and you can keep the silly passive aggressive sceptical face

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 15:12:30

I did read your post, 2T, and did you read OP's upthread where she said everyone else in the room at the time knew the comment was directed at the boy ?

I doubt he would be uninvited from xmas celebrations for an "unclear" comment which he has since made a grudging "apology" for, thus acknowledging it wasn't directed at himself

still giving him the benefit of the doubt after that looks like "minimising" from where I am sitting, and somehow it's now the OP's fault for "not being clear enough" hmm

2Tinsellytocare Mon 09-Dec-13 15:05:12

I didn't say anything of the sort thanks, did you actually read my post? I think the man is sick for saying such a thing just didn't think the OP was clear enough

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 14:58:39

Actually, I feel sad all over again for this 16yo boy valiantly trying to join a conversation about pensions to get faced with a conversation-stopper like that. Grrr. I wish I'd been there.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 14:57:04

I don't think garlic needs to calm down, and if generally fewer people minimised or tried to find a rational explanation (other than he is just a complete dick) for such hurtful behaviour then the world would be a happier place. Laughing off or excusing stuff like this helps no-one, not even the offender because he is supported in his delusion that the problem lies with other people's SOH failure and not his insensitive twattery.

2Tinsellytocare Mon 09-Dec-13 14:26:22

Calm down Garlic, no excuses being made here just pointing out that the OP is unclear so those who have read that alone could be confused as to the issue.

garlicbaubles Mon 09-Dec-13 14:12:41

Whether OP told the story clearly enough for everyone here is hardly the point, is it? She and her sister are really upset and little brother was stunned into silence. Are you calling all three of them stupid?

I also can't understand those who're making excuses for the man. Conversation was about pensions, not a common topic for 16-year-olds. He made a good effort to join in, saying he didn't think there would be any pensions by the time it affected him. The first thing OP's boyfriend thought of was little brother's heart condition! How come? He sounds to me like a person who saves up people's vulnerabilities, so he can make a 'joke' of them no matter how cruel. Honestly, would anybody else here have done that? Why not just carry on with the conversation?

2Tinsellytocare Mon 09-Dec-13 14:02:03

I agree with Agent the OP reads like DP was talking about himself

BeCoolSodaPop Mon 09-Dec-13 12:48:35

We've all had foot-in-mouth moments, but after a true mere foot-in-mouth moment, people apologise immediately but from the sounds of all of this you only all talked about it after you had all left the house.

I am not defending anyone I am merely pointing out that you, your sister and your brother all immediately took offence and yet neither you nor your sister said anything at that moment.

So you all what? Carried on as normal and only afterwards thought to say it was wrong?

You noticed that your brother was quiet and no-one acted a like an adult and called him on his behaviour? As your brother is only 16, it was the responsibility of your sister or you to say something there and then.

If you stay with him, how do you see future family events panning out? I am not saying LTB by the way unless he is cruel and from what I read I don't see him being intentionally cruel. Have you thought that his comment about not reaching pension age may in fact just be correct for any healthy 16 year old? If the current age is 70, how old will it be when today's 16 year old reaches 70? It won't be 70.

If you get married would your sister attend or be offended over one thing for the rest of her life? I think everyone is at fault here, you and your sister for not speaking up which would have been the right thing to do and him for not thinking so carefully about your brother's feelings over this matter.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 12:33:34

If he is still uninvited for xmas by your sister, I whole heartedly hope you go without him. That should focus his mind on "banter" and "oversensitivity"

ccsays Mon 09-Dec-13 12:19:17

"im sure when he misses christmas dinner, he can go round and poke fun at the children in the local hospice or something."

Oh God, that made me properly laugh out loud.

"Umm is there a possibility DP just really misjudged this and is not a total bellend? For instance, was he really nervous around your family and overstepped the mark in a horrible error of judgment?"

Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt on that Mim, surely any decent person would be horrified and immediately apologise when they realised how much upset they had caused rather than trig to justify it? Your sister sounds like she has the measure of him, he only apologised because he had to.

Branleuse Mon 09-Dec-13 11:41:57

im sure when he misses christmas dinner, he can go round and poke fun at the children in the local hospice or something.

It might be the sort of joke that woould be banter between two old men that had come to terms with their own mortality. Certainly not to a 16 year old.

I would actually find this pretty unforgiveable

TheBigJessie Mon 09-Dec-13 00:32:02

We've all had foot-in-mouth moments, but after a true mere foot-in-mouth moment, people apologise immediately.

He has only apologised to keep the peace. So, it's not a blip. He doesn't actually agree he shouldn't have said it.

I would never dream of making a similar remark to anyone in a similar situation, and I have actually had the opportunity to be a right bastard. I just didn't take it. Because, erm, I'm not a complete bastard.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 09-Dec-13 00:05:53

Whether you leave him or not, OP, you won't be able to post about him here again without censure and if you don't leave him, you'll be 'tarred'.

I agree that an apology that is forced isn't worth anything and I don't understand why people think that telling somebody to apologise is of any use at all.

Hide not hid

Just stop and imagine his comment being made seriously without the "supposed" humour.
"Why are you discussing retirement ages when we all know you are going to die before you reach it."

Then think what sort of person would say this to a 16 yo?

"Only banter" makes me think of "it's only a joke love". It's a fig leaf to try and hid spiteful shite.

Mim78 Sun 08-Dec-13 23:36:17

Umm is there a possibility DP just really misjudged this and is not a total bellend? For instance, was he really nervous around your family and overstepped the mark in a horrible error of judgment? He is obviously in the wrong here, but I wonder whether this comment sums up his entire character or not. You are the one who knows him OP - if this is typical then not good at all. If unusual then maybe just huge error...

It is all much worse because your bro is only 16 than if he was an adult. If he was a mature adult dealing with this situation then I would think small error of judgment. As he is 16 it's at best a very large one.

He does need to apologise in any case.

Cerisier Sun 08-Dec-13 23:35:40

He is certainly missing the empathy and manners genes. You are going to be continually disappointed by this man OP, get out and leave his twattishness to other people. You and your family deserve better.

Weeantwee Sun 08-Dec-13 23:33:38

I'm awaiting test results for a genetic heart condition, my brother is too. If anyone said that to me or my brother neither of us would see the funny side and I have a very dry sense of humour usually.

tinmug Sun 08-Dec-13 23:27:57

Everyone's right, OP. Bin him.

Helltotheno Sun 08-Dec-13 22:32:19

what an absolute knobend. Dump him OP... years of embarrassment and insensitivity ahead of you otherwise. Why would you willingly choose that?

Also noteworthy is that he said that in front of two women and a teenage boy. If there'd been an older family male present, he would've been likely punched upside the head. That tells me: bully alert.

Sorry OP, you're backing the wrong horse.

maras2 Sun 08-Dec-13 22:10:30

I can't believe that he's made these personal comments after only knowing your family for 18 months.Wrong thing to say at any time but after 18 months sheesh.Dump him and keep your family on side.You'll need them more than Mr Knowall Knobhead.

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