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to be a little upset about Christmas on my own?

(42 Posts)
Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 13:11:21

My dad was supposed to be coming to mine but has decided to spend it with his wife (my stepmother) instead, and this would be OK other than the fact she has two daughters, both of whom have partners and one of whom has two sons. I suppose in other words she has other options for people to spend the day with but I don't.

He will come to mine on Boxing Day and leave the following day so I will see him but aibu to be just a touch upset about the day itself being spent on my own?

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 13:32:27

Maryz, I did suggest that last year in fact and I can't even remember what he said - some excuse anyway!

He's always been a bit weird about keeping wives and children separate which of course exacerbates the problem(s) as on the odd occasion we DO meet, we never know what to say to one another! What is annoying is that the same in reverse isn't true - he knows her two daughters and their children and spouses/partners very well.

I have tried to talk to him about it but its hard as he hones in on a specific issue (such as 'oh well we didn't invite you because there wouldn't have been space') rather than the problem as a whole - not sure if that makes sense! It's really hard as its a delicate subject to say the least as we barely spoke for about seven years (not my choice) so I don't want to damage the fact we have a relationship but by the same token I do sometimes wonder if its even worth it!

NuggetofPurestGreen Sun 08-Dec-13 13:33:24

I know what you mean OP but I think you're on to something when you say he's often done this and so they think it's not a big deal. Don't really understand why he said he would in the first place though and then changed his mind that makes it worse somehow. I doubt it's that he doesnt want to though more he doesn't want to upset his wife?

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Sun 08-Dec-13 13:34:27

'she's never come and I've never been invited to theirs - don't know why.'

Bigger picture, you need to get to the bottom of this, don't you?

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 13:36:10

People can be so thoughtless ilovesooty - I can really understand how much that must have hurt.

I hope you also manage to have a good Christmas. Ironically I do like this time of year, my ex b/f was a nurse and often worked Christmas Day and I honestly didn't mind at all. But there's a difference between 'oh that's a bit rubbish' and 'oh, the one family member I have can't be bothered!'

Friends always mean well but I once and only once accepted an invitation to be at a friends on the day itself, it was terrible. I felt like a visiting alien from another planet!

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 13:39:28

Headless, it is very hard to explain other than rather lamely saying its just something he does/we do. Dad meets a woman and within hours (it seems!) he is embraced as a long lost relative into her wider family but I have yet to meet my step-sisters, step-in laws, and step-grandchildren. And they have been married 2 years!

He has been married before, to a lady who wasn't my mum I mean, and was exactly the same then.

pigletmania Sun 08-Dec-13 13:41:57

I would have it out with him, that's not acceptable. Her dd are included, and your not, you need to be more vocal.

NuggetofPurestGreen Sun 08-Dec-13 13:42:27

Friends always mean well but I once and only once accepted an invitation to be at a friends on the day itself, it was terrible. I felt like a visiting alien from another planet!

This exactly. I often get invitations from friends which is of course very nice but they can't understand that I'd prefer to be alone than feel like an alien! smile

pigletmania Sun 08-Dec-13 13:43:28

Don't accept it. Either thy if he doesent change I would cut him off tbh if he feels so low of me

NuggetofPurestGreen Sun 08-Dec-13 13:43:32

However you might feel like that if you went to your stepmother's too...

Maryz Sun 08-Dec-13 13:44:41

I can understand how much that hurts sad. When dh's dad remarried he spend one horrible Christmas where he was literally at the house for about half an hour, long enough to have one plate of main course, and then his step mum basically said "don't you have anywhere you ought to be" and chucked him out. It was the fact that his dad didn't say anything that hurt.

I think you need to prepare and plan. Make sure you have lots of goodies you wouldn't normally have. Try to meet friends on Christmas Eve (and don't drink too much, you don't want a hangover).

I bet (amongst all the moans about families and in-0laws) there will be other mumsnetters in the same boat, so you could start a thread and have a virtual Christmas night on here, watch some trashy film and pull it apart, and have a glass of wine

If this is a regular occurrence why not think now about next year - book a holiday, maybe learn to ski There are quite a few Christmas based holidays that you can go to on your own. They can be expensive (especially the chalet skiing ones), but might be worth looking ahead now and putting a deposit on something.

IsItMeOr Sun 08-Dec-13 13:45:30

OP, it sounds like your dad is the main issue here.

While I think it would be unreasonable to expect somebody to spend christmas day apart from their spouse, I don't think that's really the problem.

Is there a way you could engineer a phone call with his wife and try to ask her whether it would be okay for you to visit?

Maybe he's one of those people that just can't cope with negotiating these family relationships, and hurts people while ignoring it. Perhaps his wife will be happy to help him manage the relationships, so you get the result you want without your dad having to change his apparently personality?

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Sun 08-Dec-13 14:48:12

OP, I do understand about things that just happen and no one really knows why or talks about them. There are similar dynamics among my family and friends and I feel like curling up and dying at the very thought of trying to discuss them grin

But as an outsider to your case, that was the best advice I could give. Other than trying not to feel hurt, or turning it into a positive and enjoying having the day to yourself.

I hope you start to feel a bit better about it, anyway thanks

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 18:23:13

Thanks very much.

Maryz - thank you for that link, I love skiing smile

Maryz Sun 08-Dec-13 18:37:20

You do realise they have some availability for this Christmas. It's bloody expensive, though.

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 18:39:05

I think it is a bit late in the day for this Christmas, I've already made arrangements for my dad to come to me and would need to sort out pets and so on. Definitely something I'd like to do next year though.

Maryz Sun 08-Dec-13 18:43:46

I think it's probably the type of holiday you could put a deposit down on in January and then not pay in full until 8 weeks before or something.

And skiing at Christmas is just great fun. It's all festive and snowy and inclusive.

In the meantime, just reassure yourself it isn't you, it's your dad. He is choosing to be a bit odd. Just be nice to yourself.

Stgeorgiaandthedragon Sun 08-Dec-13 18:50:09

Yeah - that would be perfect; I like to spread the costs grin

We went skiing a few times as a family when my mum was still alive, it was lovely.

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