To be seriously considering an abortion?

(46 Posts)
ballinacup Sun 08-Dec-13 10:35:16

I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago and pretty much haven't stopped crying since.

DS is 23mo and I had horrendous PND when he was born. I dote on him now but it was a long, unpleasant road to get where I am now.

DH always said he wanted 2/3 DCs. I did too before DS was born but after pre eclampsia, a crash section, horrendous recovery, PND and reflux I expressed the view on many occasions that I wanted to stop at one.

DH assumed I wasn't serious and kept wearing me down, saying DS needed a sibling, the second would be easier etc and, because I'm still depressed, in the end I caved.

I'm having daily panic attacks and crying fits. I just want to get rid and stick with DS. DH finally seems to understand how ill I still am and says he'll support me but... He's told his family I'm expecting now so I just feel so pressured and trapped.

I don't know what to do.

StickEmUpSideways Sun 08-Dec-13 10:39:27

YANBU. You can always tell the family something else happened. If you know what i mean.

Im sorry you've been put in this awful position.

EQ2Junkie Sun 08-Dec-13 10:43:53

YANBU do not feel trapped as StickEm sayssays plenty of things can go wrong.

You need to do what is best for you and by default your DC.

Have you talked to professionals about the risks after last time?

/hugs

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 08-Dec-13 10:44:00

I think you need to go to your GP/midwife and seek counselling.

Regardless of what your decision is right now, you sound deeply traumatised and need to work on that.

I also don't think you should let the fact your DH has told family (I'd be fuming so sympathies there) colour your decision either, it's not nice but they have no reason to expect to know the in's and out's of anything that happens from this point on. This is about you and what you need to keep you healthy and happy. There is support out there for you, abortion is one option, but it's not the only path open to you. You're not trapped, your in a position where there is no easy option but there are options.

I would be inclined to insist on my DP's full attendance at any appointment because I think that's what it would take for him to fully grasp the situation, but only you know if that's something to consider with your DH.

fluffyraggies Sun 08-Dec-13 10:45:46

I was going to say the same as stick. If you go through with an abortion you can simply tell family and friends that you miscarried. Don't worry yourself about that.

How many weeks are you?

I was reading a similar thread to yours last night and many posters gave the advice to go o the GP and ask for some support, but many others posted to say that that could take weeks to come through.

flowers

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 08-Dec-13 10:53:25

YANBU - you're being entirely sensible, from the sound of things. I'm not saying abortion is the "right" choice necessarily, but given how distressed you are I agree it is something you should be giving serious consideration to.

Your DH might be right and it might all turn out OK... but even if it does, you and he and your relationship are still likely to come under a lot of strain due to the pressures of having a toddler and a newborn.

You know better than anyone what it will be like if things don't turn out OK, because you've already been through it once and are only just coming out the other side.

It's a horrible situation you're in and I don't want to try and steer you either way, having only seen a snapshot of your situation, BUT... to be honest, I think the priority for you and your DH right now should be:

Enjoying your DS at long last, after your difficult journey.
Rediscovering and strengthening your relationship with your DH.
Protecting your own wellbeing.

StickEmUpSideways Sun 08-Dec-13 10:56:40

I had a miscarriage int he same week my friend had an abortion at 14 weeks. Yes you read that right. We supported each other through it. Funnily enough we had the same kind of feelings, but opposite ends of the scale.

As far as im aware, termination is granted when the pregnancy would seriously harm the mental health of the mother,

Well from what you said, it is. You didn't want a second pregnancy and now your getting really bad mental side effects from it.

I cant imagine a termination would be bad for you.

Im sure someone is going to tell me to fuck of later, but its how i see this and how i feel.

From someone who a few years ago would have killed to get pregnant, and since i have found out I'm infertile.

Much love
Stickem

intitgrand Sun 08-Dec-13 10:59:39

be under no illusion.If your dh finds you have secretly aborted it will most probably be the end for your relationship

StickEmUpSideways Sun 08-Dec-13 11:01:16

Whose suggesting behind her dh back?
I meant family. Ie whoever he has told.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 08-Dec-13 11:03:11

Yanbu. Your experience sounds horrendous and I think you need to seek help to help you come to terms with it and deal with it. Poor you, being worn down by your "d" h sad

You need to do what's best for you and your mental health right now.

I wish you all the strength in the world and hope you feel the energy and support from others on here to make the decision.

thanks xx

wizzler Sun 08-Dec-13 11:05:09

I think you need to talk to your GP before you make any big decisions. Good luck with whatever you decide

fluffyraggies Sun 08-Dec-13 11:05:48

No one is saying she should abort behind her DHs back.

OP said I just want to get rid and stick with DS. DH finally seems to understand how ill I still am and says he'll support me

I assume this means DH knows she is considering abortion. OP said she was worried as DH has told family and friends about the pregnancy. (way to go DH hmm)

StickEmUpSideways Sun 08-Dec-13 11:07:35

Yy fluffy.

Morgause Sun 08-Dec-13 11:10:33

YANBU. Your body, your choice in the end.

Preciousbane Sun 08-Dec-13 11:12:49

I'm actually really worried that he wore you down in to getting PG while still struggling with PND.

Do whatever you need for you but seek some professional help.

formerbabe Sun 08-Dec-13 11:13:25

Putting aside the PND and traumatic delivery, do you want another child? If these thing weren't in the picture, how would you feel? If you want another child but are scared of the birth and pnd again then I'm sure the health professionals would be able to offer you some help.

Mia4 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:16:20

WWYBU OP? You're not unreasonable to do what's best for you.

Why did your DH tell people? Does he want you to continue the pregnancy? Was it manipulative or an accident?

"DH assumed I wasn't serious and kept wearing me down, saying DS needed a sibling, the second would be easier etc and, because I'm still depressed, in the end I caved."

Poor you. This does not paint a very nice picture of your dh. Is he always so unsympathetic towards you? Did he never realize how traumatized you were? Did he not listen to you when you said you needed more time? It is really low to pressurize his wife to get on with a pregnancy in such circumstances. I hope you manage to find a way through it.

"it" as in this issue, not "it" as in getting through the pregnancy.

intitgrand Sun 08-Dec-13 11:20:12

IO think the best thing is to have a proper talk ASAP with your GP in the first instance about your worries.
I have no experience of PND myself , but this time round they will know that PND is a risk for you and be able to put in either pre emptive measures or be on red alert to act swiftly.
But you need to get yourself in possession of all the facts ASAP.

pomdereplay Sun 08-Dec-13 11:21:30

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all. You poor thing. It is a lonely and difficult enough position to be in without your husband showing such little regard for your very valid feelings.

Make an appointment to discuss it if you are even halfway sure you might want to terminate; time is of the essence and getting the wheels in motion may save you from a more onerous procedure. A first appointment won't put you under any obligation to do anything, but it might help set your mind in either direction.

I wish you all the best, and I hope your husband gets over himself and starts to consider you more very soon.

NewName123 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:21:57

I think you both need to seek professional help and come to the decision together other wise it will tear you apart. The second time may not be as bad as you will be aware of the possibility of PND and will receive the support and medication you need.
I am sure you realise that termination isn't an easy option and will be mentally traumatic too.
Hope you work this through together x

NewName123 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:22:56

Why not post on the mental health forum as well for some support?

Mia4 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:23:40

Yes I'm afraid I'm with QuintessentialShadows here OP, it sounds less like it was an accident your DH told and more him assuring that he got his own way. Pressurising you into getting pregnant in the first place was really shitty of him but telling people now...that's a betrayal.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 08-Dec-13 11:31:55

No woman is ever unreasonable to seriously consider abortion. I would say it is fairly normal to worry about turning your first child's world upside when pregnant with your second though. I certainly did. But if you're not ready for another pregnancy that it is fine to have a termination.

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